In November he really seemed to turn a corner, maybe it was because we were on a trip, I thought, both at the same time & place to see family etc. I saw a huge change in his sweetness, his attentions, his patience.... I said I would try to work it out with him.
Well. A while later I found another single phone call from him to her, about a minute long, during that trip. Of course I freaked. He SWORE it was him calling her and yelling at her for trying to make a comment on a social media post of his, that he screamed at her and said he never wanted to talk to her again, etc. He was really sincere and again, I heard that new fear and real desire to fix things in his voice like I hadn't before. It made ME turn a corner, too, thinking OK he really gets it now.
But having him back is making me a wreck. It brings back all those hurtful thoughts & images of the times he had with her. When we have a good day it reminds me that this relationship was something he was willing to throw away. I second guess myself and worry that I just WANT to believe him so badly. He just BARELY told her no more contact. Who says he won't change his mind? He is trying SO hard to be nice, etc. But then I think of how he was "trying" while he was having the affair. So who's to say he isn't convincing himself he is trying while still talking to her about it??!!
I'm trying so hard to find a balance between giving my all to the R while not closing my eyes to the truth out of fear. How can you know which is which? Am I being paranoid, or facing reality? I need to get into IC, I'll get on that after the holidays, and I think I will ask him to do at least IC if not MC. Neither of us is the type to do therapy. But I don't think we will be able to have the conversations we need to have on our own. And I'm scared that it will be brushed under the rug after so long and then it will fester in me. I dont know what I need to know from him!! Enough of the truth to be able to believe that he's not holding back, I guess. But will I ever get over my doubts??
Thanks for reading. I guess my main point is that I feel more crazy & emotional now that I've taken him back because everything is raw again, and because I am terrified I am just being a sucker by wanting to believe him so badly. I second-guess myself every minute!!
I can commiserate on a lot of the feelings you are having. The second guessing and the happy moments making you think about what he was willing to throw away. I know exactly what you mean.
It sounds like MC and/or at least IC would be a good idea. Good luck and stay strong.
All we can do is take it one day at a time. There is nothing wrong with being unsure. I don't have the experience but from what I've read here it's natural for those feelings to last a really, really long time. I've read that true reconciliation can take years even. Now there's a scary thought. Having these doubts and feeling insecure, hurt, and angry for a year or two. I'm three months into my marriage. It makes me wonder sometimes, is years of this worth it for three months?
I can relate in so many ways. My WH moved out 10 months ago and is planning to " officially" move back in over the holiday break (although he's spent most of his time at the house anyway). I know I've suppressed a lot of my hurt and anger so that I could function well enough for my kids.
We've also had ups and downs in his desire to do the work of R. I, like you, am very unsure of how much to let my guard down and give my all to R. It is so scary.
I don't have any idea what "additional info" you just received. I am so sorry if he's causing more pain or is still in his A. I know my WH took a long time to disconnect emotionally, even after the PA ended. He didn't get "NC" and how necessary it is to break all bonds. Many days I wish I hadn't given him any time to "figure it out". Wish I had found this site sooner!!!
This is hard. Try to be good to yourself and work on feeling better. Don't tie your healing to his actions ( or lack thereof). You deserve someone who loves YOU first and foremost. You deserve to be the light of someone's life. You must find joy for yourself. Whether he is in your life or not.
Good for you for posting. There are many wise souls here with good advice for us. They often can see what we choose to "gloss over". They've BTDT. I wish you all the best. No matter which path you follow, I've learned that neither is linear and will have plenty of twists and turns. The pain will be real and will take time to heal. No way around it. We will all survive it. The support here helps immensely. Take good care of yourself!
I kind of feel like the only reason he is **really** trying now (when before it was soooo all lip service) is because he's done with her, not because he is wanting me. Does that make sense? So even though I kicked him out and he kept saying it was up to me if I would take him back, I still feel like the patsy because I still feel like once he REALLY wanted to come back, I caved immediately.
This sucks :( Good luck with yours moving back in- my philosophy right now is that is can't hurt to try. Of course we know it can- but shit, we are going through this painful time anyway, we are going to hurt no matter what, so what the hell. Let's try and see.