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Starting R- makes pain new again!!

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Virginiagirl posted 12/19/2013 14:23 PM

My husband moved back in about a month ago. We had been separated for about 5 months. During that time, even though he was (we were both!) very kind, I never got the sense that he really wanted me back. He would say it was up to me, but never really try to convince me, was still in contact with her, etc. He wasn't honest or upfront about that- I found evidence and he would just explain away what I found without ever telling me the full story.

In November he really seemed to turn a corner, maybe it was because we were on a trip, I thought, both at the same time & place to see family etc. I saw a huge change in his sweetness, his attentions, his patience.... I said I would try to work it out with him.

Well. A while later I found another single phone call from him to her, about a minute long, during that trip. Of course I freaked. He SWORE it was him calling her and yelling at her for trying to make a comment on a social media post of his, that he screamed at her and said he never wanted to talk to her again, etc. He was really sincere and again, I heard that new fear and real desire to fix things in his voice like I hadn't before. It made ME turn a corner, too, thinking OK he really gets it now.

But having him back is making me a wreck. It brings back all those hurtful thoughts & images of the times he had with her. When we have a good day it reminds me that this relationship was something he was willing to throw away. I second guess myself and worry that I just WANT to believe him so badly. He just BARELY told her no more contact. Who says he won't change his mind? He is trying SO hard to be nice, etc. But then I think of how he was "trying" while he was having the affair. So who's to say he isn't convincing himself he is trying while still talking to her about it??!!

I'm trying so hard to find a balance between giving my all to the R while not closing my eyes to the truth out of fear. How can you know which is which? Am I being paranoid, or facing reality? I need to get into IC, I'll get on that after the holidays, and I think I will ask him to do at least IC if not MC. Neither of us is the type to do therapy. But I don't think we will be able to have the conversations we need to have on our own. And I'm scared that it will be brushed under the rug after so long and then it will fester in me. I dont know what I need to know from him!! Enough of the truth to be able to believe that he's not holding back, I guess. But will I ever get over my doubts??

Thanks for reading. I guess my main point is that I feel more crazy & emotional now that I've taken him back because everything is raw again, and because I am terrified I am just being a sucker by wanting to believe him so badly. I second-guess myself every minute!!

HurtNewlywed posted 12/19/2013 15:18 PM

Hi, Virginiagirl. I don't have any advice for you. I've only been dealing with my WH's cyber affair for a few weeks so I don't think I am qualified to give advice at this point. But I wanted to let you know someone is here and reading.

I can commiserate on a lot of the feelings you are having. The second guessing and the happy moments making you think about what he was willing to throw away. I know exactly what you mean.

It sounds like MC and/or at least IC would be a good idea. Good luck and stay strong.

Virginiagirl posted 12/19/2013 19:00 PM

Thanks for answering. I have been reading this site for months but just barely signed up and started posting. It has been a lifeline. I don't know anyone else who has gone through this, even though I have friends I can talk to it's not the same as reading through these posts and knowing that others (it's so sad how many others!) have been through similar situations. We will all be okay, one way or the other. I have found a sense of self and recognition of my own strength that I never had before, so there is one silver lining here. I am just trying to hold onto that as I move cautiously into R. I don't know yet if I can do this. The roller coaster of indecision is not as crazy as it was those first weeks/months, but i still have some days I think it might work, others I'm sure it won't. I try to just put one foot in front of the other most days.

HurtNewlywed posted 12/19/2013 19:37 PM

You're more than welcome for answering. I'm fairly new here too. It's terrible there are so many of us BS's out there and that this kind of site is needed; but, I am so incredibly grateful for it. I'd be a complete mess in real life if I didn't have the resources here or the people who have taken the time to reply to me.

All we can do is take it one day at a time. There is nothing wrong with being unsure. I don't have the experience but from what I've read here it's natural for those feelings to last a really, really long time. I've read that true reconciliation can take years even. Now there's a scary thought. Having these doubts and feeling insecure, hurt, and angry for a year or two. I'm three months into my marriage. It makes me wonder sometimes, is years of this worth it for three months?

Virginiagirl posted 12/26/2013 09:53 AM

I know what you mean. When I first discovered these sites this summer, I was terrified reading all these posts & articles saying how long the recovery is. "YOU CAN DO IT! I'm 2 years out and starting to feel better!" And it's like, omg, I can't imagine. And for you, to b so new in ur marriage... In the end, tho, our internal debates must be so similar. I'm thinking "man, am I throwing away 19 years if I don't try? Or am I just wasting MORE of my precious time trying to believe him".. While I suppose you would be worrying about throwing away a possibly good future 19 years... Neither of us want to give up on our dreams/previous ideas of how our life would be. This is horrible. I found out more new info the 23rd and decided to hold it in rather than ruin Xmas... Ruined mine anyhow ... Now I am just steamed and my brain wheels are spinning!!!

StillStanding1 posted 12/26/2013 11:42 AM

Hi Virginiagirl,

I can relate in so many ways. My WH moved out 10 months ago and is planning to " officially" move back in over the holiday break (although he's spent most of his time at the house anyway). I know I've suppressed a lot of my hurt and anger so that I could function well enough for my kids.

We've also had ups and downs in his desire to do the work of R. I, like you, am very unsure of how much to let my guard down and give my all to R. It is so scary.

I don't have any idea what "additional info" you just received. I am so sorry if he's causing more pain or is still in his A. I know my WH took a long time to disconnect emotionally, even after the PA ended. He didn't get "NC" and how necessary it is to break all bonds. Many days I wish I hadn't given him any time to "figure it out". Wish I had found this site sooner!!!

This is hard. Try to be good to yourself and work on feeling better. Don't tie your healing to his actions ( or lack thereof). You deserve someone who loves YOU first and foremost. You deserve to be the light of someone's life. You must find joy for yourself. Whether he is in your life or not.

Good for you for posting. There are many wise souls here with good advice for us. They often can see what we choose to "gloss over". They've BTDT. I wish you all the best. No matter which path you follow, I've learned that neither is linear and will have plenty of twists and turns. The pain will be real and will take time to heal. No way around it. We will all survive it. The support here helps immensely. Take good care of yourself!

Virginiagirl posted 12/27/2013 20:31 PM

Stillstanding, Thanks! You know, the after affair fog is almost harder for me to forgive than the affair itself! He is still TT, if you can even call it that, really I am still in the dark. The continued contact (and/or affair itself) continued at least 6 months after I found out. And like you said, I sometimes wish I hadn't given him the time to "figure things out" and I think if I had found these sites sooner, I wouldn't have spent all those months waffling. Maybe I would be getting better by now, on my own, decision made!! I did kick him out, I didn't ever believe he was out of touch, but I still feel like a fool no matter what. And when we were separated, he was never around. Avoided the house. Kept meetings short. Kept his distance.

I kind of feel like the only reason he is **really** trying now (when before it was soooo all lip service) is because he's done with her, not because he is wanting me. Does that make sense? So even though I kicked him out and he kept saying it was up to me if I would take him back, I still feel like the patsy because I still feel like once he REALLY wanted to come back, I caved immediately.

This sucks :( Good luck with yours moving back in- my philosophy right now is that is can't hurt to try. Of course we know it can- but shit, we are going through this painful time anyway, we are going to hurt no matter what, so what the hell. Let's try and see.

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