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Coming Clean Sucks

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Wayflost posted 12/19/2013 15:16 PM

I don't know how people survive this. I've read your posts, and I see it's possible. But, right now I can't see it happening. I have shown up to the fix it party with all the wrong tools in my bag.

October 15 my husband's suspicions finally got the better of him, and he checked my phone. He found nothing. I mean, nothing. I convinced him that it was just texting (mistake #2 the affair being #1). I minimized and rug swept. Within the week I told him I had actually slept with OM. At least the one he knew about. One of the others he had voiced concern about, when it was ending because of how sad it made me. He now knows about that too.

Disclosure has not gone well. Every attempt I made would quickly unravel and the story I was telling would be taken out of my hands. I would close off my feelings to answer very pointed questions (where his brain goes when he is upset/angry) and sometimes would explode with rage. I get defensive when I hear criticism (it's an emotional trigger for me), and I have an extremely loud negative voice in my head. He still thinks I am intentionally minimizing. Even last night I lost it at him.

Rage is a problem I have. I've been an angry person for a long time. I thought I had gotten better control over it, but this situation that I've created has brought the rage monster back out of its cage. If the cops are ever called to our house, it will be because of me. I'm scary, he's said it for years. Rage is my way of dealing with feeling: unheard, scared, like I have no control, and criticized. It's a bad trigger, and coping mechanism during this trying time.

After many failed attempts, we finally agreed to do full disclosure with our counselor. We've been in MC for three years. Yup, you heard it. I lied to our counselor, I lied to my husband, I was lying to myself. Yesterday was disclosure day. 3.5 hours with our counselor. It was excruciating. I had to confess all of my horrible, disgusting, terrible, disrespectful, VILE, and no good behavior. I had to tell him everything. I told him everything I could think of. ALL of it. It was disgraceful, and humiliating.

We went immediately from the counselor to buy new bedding. Yes, I brought two of the AP's into our home, and I am disgusted and ashamed of it. The disrespect I unthinkingly showed is appalling. We bought his white elephant present for his office party today, and had an ok time. But the minute we walked into our house the walls came crashing down around him. He is so angry I asked him to leave the house today at lunch when he came home to see me. It crushed him. I wasn't trying to reject him, but I know that's what he heard.

I'm walking on eggshells. Even just validating his anger, owning my behavior, and apologizing and reminding him that I love him sets off another tirade. I am exhausted, and I don't know what to do. I'm battling depression, and it took every ounce of strength for me to get half dressed today. (when originally written I was still in my PJ bottoms, as of editing I finally have a full compliment of grown up clothing).

I feel like I am reacting as if I were the BS. Which is totally unfair to my husband, and keeps me from being as present for him as he needs. I broke my own heart, I betrayed myself as much as I betrayed him. His reactions bring out sobbing, and occasional defensiveness. I'm trying not to be defensive, but I have a loud negative voice in my head. My self esteem was already shaky (one of the many whys) but this whole thing has brought my negative inner voice out in the open where it's the loudest thing in the room.

This man I'm married to is THE best person I know. I went outside of our marriage for validation (at it's simplest explanation) because of yet another situation I had helped to create. I have many maladaptive behaviors that got my through several childhood traumas, and allowed me to function in relation to a mother with HPD (in the same group as NPD). My husband has stayed with me despite terrible treatment from my family, and ultimately me since I never stood up for him fully.

When all of this began I finally set clear, restrictive boundaries with my mom. She tried to make my marital problems about her, and I finally had enough. Fortunately I managed to say many things in it that seem to help my husband. I am working to write many more of those for the various people who have not respected boundaries (or for whom I did not create any). I don't know if it will be enough.

I am desperate to keep my husband. He such a good person. He deserves so much better than what I've done. I want the chance to make it right, and to help heal him. I want us to be stronger, and to be better. I wish magic was real, and I could undo my actions, or at least heal the pain. (We saw Frozen, hated it, too many triggers for both of us)

I'm so lost, and have no idea how to move forward. We are in counseling, and IC with the same counselor, for now. The more I tell him, the more the world falls through my fingers. I'm floating out in the abyss.

I can't believe I made this choice, I cant believe I am/was this horrible person.

Editing. BH felt I was still minimizing so some points have been clarified. That's what open and honest is about, right?

[This message edited by Wayflost at 5:28 PM, December 19th (Thursday)]

authenticnow posted 12/19/2013 17:12 PM


The way you get through it is, you just do. It is excruciating and exhausting and demeaning and just overwhelmingly difficult and sad. But I know that it can get better from here because you have lifted the burden and disclosed everything.

Right now I know how heavy you feel because I've been there. I get stomach cramps just thinking about that time, but I got through...we got through.

Keep posting here. Letting go of the outcome and being and doing and getting through each day is where you're at now.

We're here for you.

knightsbff posted 12/19/2013 22:58 PM


I've been there too. It will get better. One right choice at a time. Give yourself credit for the right choices you are making today. Keep on going.

20WrongsVs1 posted 12/20/2013 10:02 AM

Welcome to SI. You're in an awful spot right now, both you and BH. Don't mean to terrify you any more than you already are, but I wouldn't wish the next 6-18 months on my worst enemy.

Stick around. Work through it with us. We've been through it, and as you observed, you can get through this. One hour, one day, one step at a time.

I am desperate to keep my husband.

Good. That'll motivate you to be honest and transparent. I'll save my "let go of the outcome" speech for next month, because you may not be able to process that yet.

Rage is a problem I have. I've been an angry person for a long time.

Good for you, for recognizing this. That's helpful. When you are having a conversation with BH, and you feel the rage and anger coming on, try to count to five and take a deep breath. One of the worst things you can do in the early days is react to your BH with anger. Because, trust me, you are going to *feel* attacked by him. You hurt him deeply, and if he sticks around, he is going to be angry. He has a right to feel angry. Recognize that anger, hurt, and fear are natural reactions to betrayal. Recognize also that *reacting defensively* is a normal human reaction when we feel attacked or criticized. The best advice I can give you, in these early days, is for you to count to five, take a deep breath, and drop your defenses. When he screams nasty names at you, and says, "I can't fucking believe you did this to me!" you might feel your own anger and rage bubble up. Do not give in to that. Drop your defenses, recognize that he's hurting, and apologize for hurting him. It'll pass, if he wants to be with you in the long run and he sees you accepting responsibility, his anger will pass.

The other "worst thing" you can do right now is minimize, or TT (trickle truth). We almost all did it. We withhold details because we're afraid of hurting our BS even more. Don't make that mistake. Tell him everything. Otherwise, things will be going better in a month, or two, and you'll finally reveal another detail because it'll be nagging at your conscience. And then you'll be back to square one and any trust he had will be obliterated.

I could go on for days, but there's only so much you can absorb right now. So stick around. You can do this.

floridaredman posted 12/20/2013 13:49 PM

Recognition of your wrong doings and short comings is good.

You must heal your deep seated soul wounds before you can even begin to help your BH heal.
Your responses to him at this venture will drive him away. If you don't get the rage and loud negative voices in your head to simmer ARE going to lose your BH. He needs your empathy..not apathy.
You are off to a good start recognizing this. You say you want to keep your you's going to take much more than saying those words.

I am not criticizing you..I am just posting the truth. I have seen many waywards and have helped many of them..without true remorse, empathy and hard work from the wayward..the marriage is as good as doomed. Even with those attributes in full swing..the marriage can still fail..however it's better to have those and have a chance..than to not and lose out.

Wayflost posted 12/20/2013 15:03 PM

Thank you all for the encouragement. This morning I again "lost it" but so much worse than before. I've never been violent (despite rage) but this morning I hit him. I'm in shock. It's the second worst thing I have ever done.

We agreed that we needed space. I've packed most of my clothing, and am staying with my brother. I see our counselor this afternoon, and we see her tonight. I told him I can't promise his safety. I have so much work to do, and so little belief in my ability to do anything about it.

So, thanks again. I'm trying. Barely hanging in.

kmom2662 posted 12/20/2013 16:24 PM

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I have issues with rage too, over many years, and it had a terrible effect on our marriage. It's been a real struggle to control it, and i think the IC I've just started will end up being very helpful. Good luck with your counseling session, and 8 hope you find some peace.

20WrongsVs1 posted 12/20/2013 21:19 PM

You hit him, and he's joining you in counseling?


I'm sorry for what you're going through.

Umm...what?! She HIT her husband. Hit him. After SHE fucked five other men in two years. I'm sorry for what HE'S going through.

Wayflost, why didn't he call 911 and have you arrested? For God's sake, woman, do him a favor and stay far away from him. Consider surrendering yourself for voluntary commitment. Anyone who thinks I'm being too harsh, reverse their genders. A WH who hit his BW, after three years of MC, the day after DDay?! We'd screaming for her to D immediately.

Wayflost posted 12/20/2013 21:32 PM

1. I absolutely agree with you. There is no exude for violence or abuse. It does not matter the gender of the perpetrator. I've handled legal issues from DV, and I know that it is unacceptable.

2. While there is no justification for hitting, I was responding to great emotional pain. While I know I must "take it" when my BH is angry, emotional and verbal abuse are just as unjustifiable. This morning was abusive in every direction. Our relationship is beyond toxic at the present time.

3. He pulled out his phone to call. I encouraged him to do so. The ramifications for me are career ending. BUT he should have called. Fortunately there is no injury. I have already begun the search and the work to deal with rage/anger management.

4. I moved out. I told him I want to work on helping him heal. I told him I want our relationship to heal. I told him I want to be better. I moved out to give him safety while I can't provide it.

I am doing what I can, and I'm getting it all wrong.

kmom2662 posted 12/20/2013 23:19 PM

I'm sorry for what she is going through because she is a prisoner of her anger. I know what it feels like, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It is an awful way to live, for both her and her spouse.

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