I don't know how people survive this. I've read your posts, and I see it's possible. But, right now I can't see it happening. I have shown up to the fix it party with all the wrong tools in my bag.
October 15 my husband's suspicions finally got the better of him, and he checked my phone. He found nothing. I mean, nothing. I convinced him that it was just texting (mistake #2 the affair being #1). I minimized and rug swept. Within the week I told him I had actually slept with OM. At least the one he knew about. One of the others he had voiced concern about, when it was ending because of how sad it made me. He now knows about that too.
Disclosure has not gone well. Every attempt I made would quickly unravel and the story I was telling would be taken out of my hands. I would close off my feelings to answer very pointed questions (where his brain goes when he is upset/angry) and sometimes would explode with rage. I get defensive when I hear criticism (it's an emotional trigger for me), and I have an extremely loud negative voice in my head. He still thinks I am intentionally minimizing. Even last night I lost it at him.
Rage is a problem I have. I've been an angry person for a long time. I thought I had gotten better control over it, but this situation that I've created has brought the rage monster back out of its cage. If the cops are ever called to our house, it will be because of me. I'm scary, he's said it for years. Rage is my way of dealing with feeling: unheard, scared, like I have no control, and criticized. It's a bad trigger, and coping mechanism during this trying time.
After many failed attempts, we finally agreed to do full disclosure with our counselor. We've been in MC for three years. Yup, you heard it. I lied to our counselor, I lied to my husband, I was lying to myself. Yesterday was disclosure day. 3.5 hours with our counselor. It was excruciating. I had to confess all of my horrible, disgusting, terrible, disrespectful, VILE, and no good behavior. I had to tell him everything. I told him everything I could think of. ALL of it. It was disgraceful, and humiliating.
We went immediately from the counselor to buy new bedding. Yes, I brought two of the AP's into our home, and I am disgusted and ashamed of it. The disrespect I unthinkingly showed is appalling. We bought his white elephant present for his office party today, and had an ok time. But the minute we walked into our house the walls came crashing down around him. He is so angry I asked him to leave the house today at lunch when he came home to see me. It crushed him. I wasn't trying to reject him, but I know that's what he heard.
I'm walking on eggshells. Even just validating his anger, owning my behavior, and apologizing and reminding him that I love him sets off another tirade. I am exhausted, and I don't know what to do. I'm battling depression, and it took every ounce of strength for me to get half dressed today. (when originally written I was still in my PJ bottoms, as of editing I finally have a full compliment of grown up clothing).
I feel like I am reacting as if I were the BS. Which is totally unfair to my husband, and keeps me from being as present for him as he needs. I broke my own heart, I betrayed myself as much as I betrayed him. His reactions bring out sobbing, and occasional defensiveness. I'm trying not to be defensive, but I have a loud negative voice in my head. My self esteem was already shaky (one of the many whys) but this whole thing has brought my negative inner voice out in the open where it's the loudest thing in the room.
This man I'm married to is THE best person I know. I went outside of our marriage for validation (at it's simplest explanation) because of yet another situation I had helped to create. I have many maladaptive behaviors that got my through several childhood traumas, and allowed me to function in relation to a mother with HPD (in the same group as NPD). My husband has stayed with me despite terrible treatment from my family, and ultimately me since I never stood up for him fully.
When all of this began I finally set clear, restrictive boundaries with my mom. She tried to make my marital problems about her, and I finally had enough. Fortunately I managed to say many things in it that seem to help my husband. I am working to write many more of those for the various people who have not respected boundaries (or for whom I did not create any). I don't know if it will be enough.
I am desperate to keep my husband. He such a good person. He deserves so much better than what I've done. I want the chance to make it right, and to help heal him. I want us to be stronger, and to be better. I wish magic was real, and I could undo my actions, or at least heal the pain. (We saw Frozen, hated it, too many triggers for both of us)
I'm so lost, and have no idea how to move forward. We are in counseling, and IC with the same counselor, for now. The more I tell him, the more the world falls through my fingers. I'm floating out in the abyss.
I can't believe I made this choice, I cant believe I am/was this horrible person.
Editing. BH felt I was still minimizing so some points have been clarified. That's what open and honest is about, right?
[This message edited by Wayflost at 5:28 PM, December 19th (Thursday)]