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Possible to R after a long separation?

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Healing2012 posted 12/19/2013 15:21 PM

My WH and I have been S for almost two years - that was about two months after D-day. His choice, not mine.

So much has happened in those two years. Good, bad, and ugly. Something changed about 6 months ago. I have done a lot of healing through IC. He slowly started to come around - we were able to speak of the A without him getting defensive or running away, he has apologized (this time with specifics) for what he did and for hurting me, and his communication skills have improved. In fact, just today he actually asked, "What can I do to help the situation?" He is an emotion stuffer and a runner when things get uncomfortable for him, so I was pleasantly surprised. Another thing he recently said was, "I'm just trying to comfort you." I have a tendency to pull away when someone tries to help.

Anyway, this has been going on (slowly) for the past 6 months, but yet we remain in a self-imposed limbo. Neither of us want D, but we also haven't even mentioned R. I am too scared to suggest it and I know from past conversations that he feels similarly.

Is it even possible after so much time in S? Obviously, there would be things he would have to agree to, but has it been too long? Do I even dare suggest it? We each have dropped hints, but it's like no one wants to be the one to really say it.

Why am I so darn scared?

pointofnoreturn posted 12/19/2013 15:33 PM

Is your signature outdated, or is he still in contact with OW? If he is, I'd say no. But if he isn't, only you can control your fate.

As a WS, I left all major decisions like separation and breaking up to my boyfriend. If I was your WS, I would probably be screaming inside "PLEASE TAKE ME BACK", but I would be afraid to say a word because you, the BS, are the main concern. If you're not ready, we don't want to push it. We just dream of the moment you'd say those words.

Do you trust he will do everything in his power to change? Do you think you could handle any slip-ups? As for the time apart, anything is possible. Can friends remain friends if they haven't seen each other in years?

IGaveItMyAll posted 12/19/2013 15:37 PM

Why am I so darn scared?

It's scary. You don't want to get hurt again. My W and I only seperated for 2 months but It was still scary when we started talking more frequently. I went NC with her as much as possible. Why don't you guys try and go on a date. See is you still got it. Who knows, it could be fun. Also, if you are even going to consider R you are going to have to start dating each other again.

Healing2012 posted 12/19/2013 15:41 PM

He is no longer in contact with the OW. My signature was supposed to mean that I discovered he was in contact with her again on that day.

Slip ups? It depend on what it was . She calls and he answers the phone? Yeah, I'd be pissed, but I could see a way to get through that. He initiates contact? That's an entirely different story.

pointofnoreturn posted 12/19/2013 15:58 PM

Oh, I understand now. I'll echo what Igaveitmyall said. Try a date. Baby steps, if you will. I think him moving in right away would be too much at this time.

torn2bits posted 12/19/2013 18:28 PM

Healing, I have been separated for 2 years and filed for D 3 years ago. My WH wants to R and is wearing his wedding ring, etc, but he has never ever said what your WH is saying.

What a great thing he seems to be coming out of the fog!

Yes, you most certainly can R after this separation. You haven't been around him or close to each other,that's what the scary part is. What if it doesn't work? What if he does it again? There are no guarantees, but if you both work really hard you can do it!

You will need those dates and then you can see how those go, how you are around each other. You can then make a plan together to talk about movein etc. You have lived separate lives for a while and will need to get to know each other again.

Good luck! Wish it were me!

Darkness Falls posted 12/20/2013 00:09 AM

I'm a WS who has been divorced for nearly 4 years...two of those apart, and 20 months & counting in R. It is definitely possible as long as you both want it and he's doing what you need to heal.

NoReGrets posted 12/20/2013 05:55 AM

I think it's a great idea, as long as he is remorseful and truthful with you. With that being said, the common phrase here on SI "trust, but verify" is something I would do.

Take baby steps and relish the happy moments. Give him the opportunity to show you that he is trustworthy. If he doesn't do that, then make sure you take the appropriate steps to look out for yourself.

Good luck, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you! (=

tushnurse posted 12/20/2013 12:48 PM

I sit possible sure. Anything is possible.
I would strongly recommmend that you understand your own reasons for wanting to go back and try this, and have very clear rules and boundaries outlined for possible R.

You need to quit with the him hawing around though that is not effective communication, and can really muddy the waters. Figure out if you want this, and if so proceed with full intention of carrying out any consequences should he start to slip up, or fall into old habits.

It sounds like he is defogging, but has he figured out his whys? if not then he needs to.

You are scared because its scary to think of risking the pain and hurt again, but now you know should he fail you again you will survive it, and be stronger, smarter, and braver than you ever imagined you could be.

((((and strength)))

IGaveItMyAll posted 12/20/2013 13:07 PM

Here is how my WW and I started R:

1. Seperated
2. Started talking a little more when we would pass off the kids
3. We actually went on a date to see if we even enjoyed being around each other
4. I let some time pass to see what happened. She ended up at my door step at 2 am crying saying she missed me
5. I didn't give in right away. We continued to tak and go on a couple more dates
6 (Most Importantly) Once it was established that we were possibly going to work on R... I made a list for myself of exactly what it would take for me to consider getting back together. I presented her with my list and told her if she is not willing to do any of these things and isn't sure if she is going to put 100% into healing, helping me heal, getting help for herself and our relationship than to leave me alone and let me continue moving on with my life. I was very blunt and dead serious about this.
7. We took it slow... It was really hard at the begining. Lots of pain to sort through.

So Far its Been worth it!!!

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