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lisaloo posted 12/19/2013 15:34 PM

So, I got an email from STBXH today that says:

Lisaloo,
I want to know if you are willing to sit down together and discuss what we want at the end of all this and work this out amicably
-Asshat.

I want to reply:
Seriously Asshat?? SERIOUSLY!? You filed a counterclaim to my complaint for divorce TWO days ago claiming that I am an UNFIT MOTHER, asking for sole custody of MY BIOLOGICAL CHILD, with visitation to ME, and asking ME to pay YOU child support with my part time job wages!! Not to mention, that you asked the courts to have me REMOVED from our marital home and forbidden to even call!! So NO ASSHAT, I am NOT willing to sit down and discuss what we want at the end of this...this will NOT be amicable. You do not fuck with someone by threatening to take their child from them, and then ask to work things out amicably. So, do I want to sit down with you?? No...in fact I dont even want to ever have to lay eyes on you again, you sorry, pathetic, self absorbed, delusional, cheating, selfish, bastard.

Of course, I haven't replied yet. I dont really want to...but I do wonder if it looks bad if I dont? I am aware that everything I say and do and type and utter and mumble can and will be used against me in a court of law at this point...

Also...screw him.

nowiknow23 posted 12/19/2013 15:37 PM

Of course, I haven't replied yet. I dont really want to...but I do wonder if it looks bad if I dont? I am aware that everything I say and do and type and utter and mumble can and will be used against me in a court of law at this point...
No meeting without lawyers. No communications without lawyers. Period. Forward his message to your L and then do whatever they tell you to do.

also...screw him.
Amen. (((lisa)))

[This message edited by nowiknow23 at 3:37 PM, December 19th (Thursday)]

SBB posted 12/19/2013 15:42 PM

I wouldn't respond. Talk to your L but I doubt there would be an issue with not responding to this crazy person.

Just when you think you've seen it all, SI still surprises. Un-be-lievable.

Nature_Girl posted 12/19/2013 15:58 PM

No. Don't reply at all. Nothing. Crickets. You forward that message to your lawyer and that's it.

The gall of that asshole.

Rainbows posted 12/19/2013 16:17 PM

Mine pulled this stunt, too.

I think it was his way of trying to look like the good guy after acting like a complete ass. I do not trust it and didn't respond. His actions show me clearly how "amicably" he wants to be with our D.

caregiver9000 posted 12/19/2013 16:19 PM

Awesome vent!! asshole indeed. confirmed.

I would not sit down with the son of Satan, but if you can get him to send you an offer or some idea of WHERE HE IS (not that standard counter stuff), you will have good information to work with.

MY L encouraged this type of dialogue, for information and said that nothing was binding or lost by a conversation.

Give nothing, get what you can. This advice works for conversations, and settlements!!

gonnabe2016 posted 12/19/2013 16:57 PM

Screw him indeed.

However:
His counter-claim was most likely lawyer-ese. Pure posturing -- so try not to let it get to you too much. There are all kinds of reasons that a L might come out blazing like that.

Think business deal. Trials are expensive, take for-freaking-ever, are stressful as hell, and put all the control of your life into the hands of a judge who doesn't know you from the VirginMary.

You are so much better off to hammer this shit out between yourselves if you can. If you and stbx cannot communicate about anydamnthing, then the L's can be your proxies or you can go through mediation (w/ or w/o the L's present).

I would send your stbx an email in response to his. Tell him that you read his counter-claim and ask if he still plans to request sole custody of <child>. (use your kids name, don't say 'my' child)

If he says yes or is noncommittal, then: "I think that it would be best to run all of our settlement talks through the lawyers for the time being."

If he says no, then: "I think that sitting down together is a bad idea right now. But I am interested in keeping costs down, so if you want to email me some suggestions of how you see it working.....maybe we can work a lot of these issues out without getting our L's involved every 5 minutes."

Never outright agree to anything without bouncing it off of your L. "That might work" or "I'm not sure, let me think about it" or "that won't work for me" are all good responses to fall-back on.

Or you can just ignore him. It won't make you look bad.

Holly-Isis posted 12/19/2013 16:58 PM

claiming that I am an UNFIT MOTHER, asking for sole custody of MY BIOLOGICAL CHILD, with visitation to ME, and asking ME to pay YOU child support with my part time job wages!!

Please seek to have his parental rights revoked. I know CS would help but really, to even risk having your DD around a man willing to get that ugly, is it worth it?

You're more fortunate than most here who have to deal with abusive, mentally abusive and bullying STBXs. You can argue that he's not the bio dad and he adopted her only 3yrs ago under false pretenses.

careerlady posted 12/19/2013 17:26 PM

I'm with gonnabe2016. You can use this opportunity to gather info without committing to anything. Being a little savvy and choking back your completely understandable anger could save you money and help things end up in your favor. He may be regretting his legal posturing and be somewhat vulnerable

Gemini71 posted 12/19/2013 17:36 PM

I understand that his counter was lawyerese, but to threaten to take your child! I'm with you lisaloo. He crossed a line there is no coming back from. Shields up.

lisaloo posted 12/19/2013 19:12 PM

Tell him that you read his counter-claim and ask if he still plans to request sole custody of <child>. (use your kids name, don't say 'my' child)

As mad as I am, this is actually a good idea...I am wondering if he is starting to realize he has screwed himself with all of this...perhaps if he gets nervous enough, he'll just give me the 3 things I really want.

gonnabe2016 posted 12/19/2013 19:51 PM

I am wondering if he is starting to realize he has screwed himself with all of this

Don't worry about him, his motivations, or the 'reasoning' behind his thinking. Keep your eyes firmly focused on what works best for YOU. Every time I thought that my stbx was actually ready to act rationally/reasonably.....I was quickly reminded of what an evil monster he really is. If you start ascribing any type of integrity to this guy, you're most likely setting yourself up for being repeatedly angered, disappointed and frustrated.

His answer about the custody issue will give you a good 'feel' for whether you'll be able to deal with him or not.
And remember, if he says yes or gives you a noncommittal, wishy-washy-non-answer; ANY response that is not a clear-cut NO......let the lawyers handle the communication from there on out.

And you realize that the odds of him getting sole custody are slim to none, right? The way I understand it, you would have to either agree to him having sole custody or be a clear danger to yourself and others (based on convictions and your rapsheet; not just because he 'says so.') for that to even be a consideration.


the 3 things I really want

And shhhhh! For the time being, for every one thing that you want, make sure and add in 2 or so others that you don't really care about. Because if he turns 'dick' on you, you don't want him digging his heels in just to be difficult.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 7:53 PM, December 19th (Thursday)]

ItHappened2Me2 posted 12/19/2013 20:24 PM

Please seek to have his parental rights revoked. I know CS would help but really, to even risk having your DD around a man willing to get that ugly, is it worth it?

^^^ This -- especially since he did it during False R!

Have you asked your attorney about this option?

ItHappened2Me2 posted 12/19/2013 20:24 PM

Sorry - double post!

[This message edited by ItHappened2Me2 at 8:25 PM, December 19th (Thursday)]

lisaloo posted 12/19/2013 20:44 PM

And shhhhh! For the time being, for every one thing that you want, make sure and add in 2 or so others that you don't really care about. Because if he turns 'dick' on you, you don't want him digging his heels in just to be difficult.

No worries there, I shot for the moon on purpose...I know what my absolutes are, and I've got nothing (and everything) to lose, so screw it, I'll spend every cent we have fighting for those 3 things.

Please seek to have his parental rights revoked. I know CS would help but really, to even risk having your DD around a man willing to get that ugly, is it worth it?

I hadn't considered this...Tried to google some reasons for adoption under false pretenses, but came up empty handed...anyone got any ideas on how that could work? I dont know if I would even go that route (yet...but Asshat keeps getting asshat-ier by the day, so we'll see).

ItHappened2Me2 posted 12/19/2013 20:52 PM

Check with your attorney about the severing of parental rights. Hopefully, they are a family law attorney and can help deal with adoption issues as well.

If your divorce attorney can't help (or doesn't have someone in their office that deals with adoption), can you give a call to the attorney that handled the adoption?

Both my kids are adopted -- but we adopted them when they were first born, so I can't play that card, even though I'd love to!

But his is your biological daughter and he didn't adopt until False R. It is worth trying to take the custody card out of his deck.

Take2 posted 12/19/2013 21:00 PM

Legalese or not, my take on his counter-claim was that he was trying to scare you (read: bully, intimidate, and manipulate) so he could hit you with what he really wants. Part of the game perhaps, that after threatening to take what he knows you value, he comes in and offers a trade for _______. Still I think using a child as leverage is pretty f*n low, no matter how you look at it!

If you do talk, let him do the talking - find out what he is after. But I wouldn't tip my hand - breast your cards!

lisaloo posted 12/19/2013 21:18 PM

can you give a call to the attorney that handled the adoption?

Irony to end all ironies...Asshat is using the same law firm that handled the adoption to handle the divorce...I would have thought that was a conflict of interest, but apparently not.

Seriously...how low is this jackass???

Catwoman posted 12/19/2013 21:27 PM

If both of you used the law firm to represent your interests in the adoption, I believe it *is* a conflict of interest. I would ask your attorney. If it is, you could petition to have him recuse himself from the case.

For now, I would keep this under your hat and not say anything until you have been able to ferret out where he stands with everything. But I do think it is a potential conflict.

Cat

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