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Not sure how I'm feeling

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NotFixable posted 12/19/2013 16:09 PM

I went back to my lawyer today and signed the papers for the temporary support petition, so now those will be filed but he probably won't be served until next week. After leaving his office, I ran to Walmart to pick up some stocking-stuffers. I was fine throughout the store right up until I got in line to check out. I was watching all those around me and they all seemed so happy and cheerful and in the Christmas spirit. I stood right there and started crying. I was so embarrassed but I couldn't stop it. I couldn't leave either because there were people in front & back of me in the line. I just kept thinking, how can these people continue going on with their lives when I feel like mine has ended? Don't they know the world has stopped? I've heard the saying that if everyone threw their troubles into a pile, they'd be quick to grab theirs back because others have it so much worse. I don't know, maybe that's true, but I feel like right now I could handle almost anything if he just hadn't stopped loving me. If he was the man I thought I'd married, not the man he turned out to be and none of this had ever happened. If, If, IF!

lieshurt posted 12/19/2013 16:12 PM


It will get better me on that.

caregiver9000 posted 12/19/2013 16:13 PM

awwww.... ((((hugs))))

I am sorry this happened to you. I have BEEN THERE, done that. At the bank. At school carpool line. Sunglasses are your friend. Sorry, I have allergies, or I would tell myself everyone was imagining, "maybe her dog died."

Stocking stuffers.... sigh. JEALOUS!!

nowiknow23 posted 12/19/2013 16:19 PM

Oh, honey. I'm so sorry. We've all been there in that line, unable to stop the tears. (((((NotFixable)))))

TrustedHer posted 12/19/2013 16:27 PM

It happened to me in Target in 2009.

It gets better. It takes time.

Newlease posted 12/19/2013 16:36 PM

It happened to me at Walmart as I was trying to choose oranges. My XWH always chose the oranges and they were always good.

But I do just fine choosing my own oranges now.

Sending strength and peace.


Vulcanized posted 12/19/2013 18:07 PM

Behind an incredibly busy bar during happy hour. More than once. I can't even remember what the excuse I offered was.

But ... it gets so much better. Really & truly.


movingforward13 posted 12/19/2013 19:11 PM


NotFixable posted 12/19/2013 19:20 PM

Thanks everyone! As always, it helps to know I'm not alone in this personal hell of mine. Thanks for listening to me.

Artemisia posted 12/19/2013 19:23 PM

Oh yes, anywhere and everywhere. Walking down the hall at work. In the library. Over breakfast most days. Once just sitting at lunch with some colleagues. Yikes.

The happy holiday songs and people are hard to bear. But I try to think of the ups and downs. Some of those people have probably had a year like ours. Who knows, we may be those smiling people in a couple years, and someone else will be crying, unfortunately. What a life this is.

They say it gets better. This time of year is hard. Hugs.

SBB posted 12/20/2013 06:24 AM

The what ifs were agony for me.

There's a saying I love "the harder you work, the harder it is to surrender."

I can't tell you how often I burst into tears. At the shops, at work, just walking down the street, whilst having a coffee and even during a work meeting.

I also wondered how everyone could just go about their business - didn't they realise the world had fallen off its axis?

I felt like I was in a bubble of despair, furiously trying to connect but I just couldn't because I was completely and totally broken.

4 day after DD I had to attend a charity battle of the bands event. Thank god I wasn't on stage that year. I'm usually running around talking to everyone - I know everyone, I'm the life of the party even stone cold sober. 4 days out from DD I could almost see the barrier between me and everyone else. I felt like my grief was so palpable people were avoiding me like a wary canine would. I felt so detached from the world around me.

Truth is *I* was fundamentally different - they were exactly the same.

Then there was the sneering at happy families. I used to move seats if some happy family happened to be foolish enough to be near me.

I no longer feel that way. I'm plugged back into my life and the world around me.

It passes, I promise. I didn't believe it when they said it to me but they were spot on. Keep up the NC and pour your energy into yourself. He is AWOL, FUBAR - gone.

[This message edited by SBB at 3:03 PM, December 20th (Friday)]

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