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Seeking sanity again please help

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trudi42 posted 12/19/2013 16:13 PM

Ok so I think I am depressed, constantly feeling useless, hopeless, worthless and just struggling to cope. However I am not crazy and I can't help thinking wh wants me to think I am. Trying to R after a broken NC and loads of lies, things going ok. Then he starts behaving oddly, phone starts going in his pocket instead of on the side like we agreed. Spends longer than usual in the bathroom, walking the dog when he never could be bothered before. I put this all down to my hyper sensitivity until I find his phone face down on silent on the bedroom floor. Feeling vulnerable I put in the first 5 digits of the OW number and the whole number comes up on the display. When I tackle him on it he denies all knowledge and says I must have put it there....then when I tackle him about his phone bill he just gives me a load of BS about the phone company not providing it. Asked to see his phone and he refused. I then went into meltdown mode again, crying, telling him how lonely I feel.. I told him he is mentally torturing me if there is nothing for me to see. I even had to ask him for a hug. Hate myself for that now. He just says we were doing so well until you started all this. Totally blame shifting. I felt so strong at one point but now feel so low. I know he is not supporting me enough for us to work things out but he is making it feel like the blame will lie with me for not just accepting and trusting. Please someone tell me I am not crazy and seeing the phone/bill is not an outrageous request. I said why can't I see it and he says because you are being like this !!!!!!!

20Hopeful16 posted 12/19/2013 16:21 PM

((((trudi42)))) He is gaslighting you. You are not crazy. The blame lies with him, not with you.

lieshurt posted 12/19/2013 16:24 PM

You aren't crazy. You know the truth. He's a lying asshole.

nowiknow23 posted 12/19/2013 16:25 PM

You are NOT crazy, and he IS blameshifting and tap dancing like MAD to keep you from seeing the phone bill. Which means you already KNOW the truth. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

((((trudi42))))) Sending you strength, honey.

Sadwife222 posted 12/19/2013 16:26 PM

What a prick. You deserve better. Throw his ass to the curb. If you can't see his phone bill (transparency), he needs to go.

Go see an attorney and have him served.

caregiver9000 posted 12/19/2013 16:29 PM

He just says we were doing so well until you started all this.

I will call BULLSHIT for you!! He is lying, hiding, being secretive, and counter attacking YOU because HE WON'T be transparent.

(((hugs)))

You are not crazy, you are dealing with a deceptive liar... but not a very creative one.

brokendancer7 posted 12/19/2013 16:34 PM

You are not crazy!! Bullshit excuse about the phone bill! It is the easiest thing to see online at the phone company's website, if you have the password, which I'm SURE he does. I am angry for you!!! It's such an awful feeling knowing that something is going on, and being treated like an idiot!

trudi42 posted 12/19/2013 16:35 PM

Thank you, don't know what I would do without SI. Lying in bed now with him snoring loudly right next to me and you have given me the strength to get through another day. Cannot wait for the holidays to be over. Need to seriously plan my future........

trudi42 posted 12/19/2013 16:35 PM

Thank you, don't know what I would do without SI. Lying in bed now with him snoring loudly right next to me and you have given me the strength to get through another day. Cannot wait for the holidays to be over. Need to seriously plan my future........

trudi42 posted 12/19/2013 16:35 PM

Thank you, don't know what I would do without SI. Lying in bed now with him snoring loudly right next to me and you have given me the strength to get through another day. Cannot wait for the holidays to be over. Need to seriously plan my future........

trudi42 posted 12/19/2013 16:35 PM

Thank you, don't know what I would do without SI. Lying in bed now with him snoring loudly right next to me and you have given me the strength to get through another day. Cannot wait for the holidays to be over. Need to seriously plan my future........

Getting to Happy posted 12/19/2013 16:58 PM

Trudi my dear, why are you staying with this lying douche'?

Is there some reason you need to be with him through the holidays? Why can't you ditch him??

I am going to bump a post by Nomadlady for you in General.

Please read it and read it again.

You are worth so much more than he can give you. You are being disrespected.

He is Toxic.

180, detach, retreat, lick your wounds in private. Don't beg him to love you. PLEASE.

This is #10 of Nomadlady's post:

10. Not making a choice is still a choice.

There are many ways to not actively make a choice. Some BS go into denial. Some BS stay permanently stuck in the “I don’t know what to do” stage. Some BS decide the marriage is over, as far as they are concerned, but they choose to remain with their WS. They often have reasons they feel are legitimate: they want to keep their family intact, they don’t want some “stranger” (OP, possible stepparents) raising their children, they can’t afford to divorce, etc. These BS think that they’ve chosen to “leave” even while they stay in their relationships.

No one can judge you and the choices you make. You have to do what you can live with. You are a person of worth, and your life is precious. If you can live this way and be at peace, then do what you feel you must.

You might also ask yourself this. If you had an adult son or daughter in your same situation, what would you want your child to do? What advice would you give?

Please read the rest of it.

I then went into meltdown mode again, crying, telling him how lonely I feel.. I told him he is mentally torturing me if there is nothing for me to see. I even had to ask him for a hug. Hate myself for that now.

He is Toxic.

180, detach, retreat, lick your wounds in private. Don't beg him to love you. PLEASE.

You must find the strength in yourself to rise above his bullshit. Find those bitch boots that are so popular here on SI.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

meplusfour posted 12/19/2013 18:11 PM

Trudi42, please protect yourself. Your WH does not appear to have you best interests in mind. Do not look to him to validate what you already know~the A has gone underground. There is no reason why he should be withholding the phone bill. If there was nothing to see, he would be producing it to show you that he is being honest.

Find your strength and belief in yourself. You deserve to be respected and treated fairly. Implement the 180. You do not deserve to be lied to, minimized and blamed for a situation that was not of your making.

((trudi42))

marionwendy posted 12/19/2013 18:29 PM

Wow what an asshole! Leaves his phone on silent???? WHY?? Because he is hiding something! Says you must of put the number there? Does he seriously think your stupid? YOUR NOT!!!! He is a jerk kick him to the curb is right! YOU deserve better and there is better! You are worth more do the 180 on his ass!

Kalliopeia posted 12/19/2013 20:57 PM

Seriously do not accept this treatment. Gaslighting is a severe form of mental abuse. It was done to great effect on me and years late, I constantly doubt to the extent that I often have problems accepting the truth.

Disengage and he needs to be gone so your thought processes don't get further defrayed.

You can't get ahold of the phone stuff? Did you put a VAR anywhere? Like hidden in one of the bathroom vents, since he likes to spend time there?

gonnabe2016 posted 12/19/2013 21:30 PM

I know he is not supporting me enough for us to work things out

Trudi, he's not supporting you AT ALL. Matter of fact, you are drowning and he is tying cement blocks around your ankles. It's no wonder you feel like hell.


he is making it feel like the blame will lie with me for not just accepting and trusting.

Of course he is. That's how abusers operate.

Please someone tell me I am not crazy and seeing the phone/bill is not an outrageous request.

There's quite a bit of backstory, but.....I filed for D because my (now)stbx refused to request his text records from the phone company. (well, that and, in the midst of the argument that ensued after he said he wouldn't make the request, he had the balls to tell me that I *made* him cheat on me )


I said why can't I see it and he says because you are being like this !!

Oh, fuck him. Seriously. What an abusive douche.

Trudi, this guy is a sadist. He seems to get a real *charge* out of treating you this way. Stop giving him what he wants. He WANTS to hear you crying and begging. He WANTS to hear how lonely you are.

You know what? Maybe this guy HASN'T set up an account through the cell phone provider. Do you know if he has? (and no, DON'T ask him if you're not sure). Do you guys share a cell phone plan?

TheAgonyOfIt posted 12/20/2013 03:21 AM

When I finally stopped asking anything of WH, I mean nothing other than "hey Ya know where that little screwdriver is?', was when I started to heal.

Anything else about affair or heaven forbid my requesting a human reaction to an emotion, was just like me hitting my own head with a baseball bat, over and over again.

Of course, before I could stop, I had to realize who he really is. That's probably the most difficult part.

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