"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

confused52204 posted 12/19/2013 18:13 PM

So my WF and I split up. We purchased home together a year ago. 1 week later I found out he was on craigslist posting ads for men and women for 2 yrs of our 3 year relationship. He is really a terrific man so this totally blindsided me. I have been married before and D over cheating so needless to say I have no tolerance for that. The things he wrote on CL were very disturbing and hard core . I found other websites too but no action on them. Granted he stopped before we made the final step tp purchase a home together. But it happened. I have a dd from previous marriage who loves him so much. I mean really he was top nooch! He was so good to us. He is gone now. It's been 2 weeks . I'm just miserable . He wants nothing more than to fix this . How do u even go about it ? So many lies and deception. The only thing he has going for him is the fact that he took a poly and passed stating no physical contact.

I can't seem move forward bc I get freaked out when I think about marriage. I'm an old fashion kind of gal I don't want to get married knowing this giant secret!

He states he did all that bc of depression and thinking he didn't deserve anyone as great as me! Sometimes I find myself believing that story ! I regret my decision but I'm happy I'm not in the vicious cycle of wanting and not wanting it to work!

Any thoughts or words of wisdom I'm going crazy!!! I never imagined such a crazy story!!!

NotFixable posted 12/19/2013 18:43 PM

((confused)) I can't really offer any advice because my WH had no desire to try R, but I do feel your pain. You have been through this before, so what is your gut telling you? Listen to your gut. Everybody thought my WH was a hell of a guy, too, but turned out that couldn't have been further from the truth. Some people are really good at living multiple lives, at least for a while. It catches up to them sooner or later. Don't rush into marriage. Good luck!

LearningToRun posted 12/19/2013 18:49 PM

Not married, cheated 2/3rds of your relationship that you KNOW of? Seriously?

He isn't a terrific man. Terrific men don't troll for bi sexual relationships on craiglist because they are "not good enough for you"

ummm, how does that work, exactly?

Run girl, run. Listen to your gut, the one that is freaking out over marring him.

I am so sorry.

confused52204 posted 12/19/2013 21:20 PM

And still he does not get why I'm so bothered by what he did. Would this bother any women ? Am I being selfish in not wanting my man to post sex ads on CL for men and women.

caregiver9000 posted 12/19/2013 21:35 PM

My marriage ended over posting ads for men and women on CL. That was the tip of the iceberg. Maybe for a time it was JUST posting. But after a while, posting is not enough of a thrill. Exchanging pictures, and then texts, and then a meet, and a sex party, sex film, a relationship. Why are you ok with this?

It was a secret. Why was it a secret. You "discovered" it which means it was a deception.

Nothing about this is OK, in my opinion.

NaiveAgain posted 12/19/2013 22:15 PM

First off, you ARE going to make it thru this. You made it thru before, you can do it again.

And still he does not get why I'm so bothered by what he did. Would this bother any women

It would bother me that he doesn't get it.

I can't seem move forward bc I get freaked out when I think about marriage

There is a reason you are freaking out over marriage. What do you think your gut is saying to you?

nowiknow23 posted 12/19/2013 22:55 PM

Would this bother any women ?

It will (and does) bother anyone, whether woman or man.

Lordy, honey. You're body is telling you something!!!! Of COURSE you are getting freaked out. This isn't a small issue. This isn't a "whoopsy!" You are freaked out because this is effed up. He passed a poly that there's not been physical contact? Yea for him. Give him a cookie.

What you do NOT give him is your life. Splitting up with him was the right move. DO NOT REGRET THAT.

(((((confused))))) I'm so sorry you are going through this. Again.

suckstobeme posted 12/20/2013 00:11 AM

You are certainly not selfish to expect and demand honesty and monogamy in a serious, exclusive relationship. And yes, placing CL ads for sex, regardless of with whom, would absolutely bother anyone.

He must be doing a manipulative number on you during his efforts to convince you to R. He wrote hard core ads trying to solicit sex from men and women all because he was depressed and felt you were too good for him?? Did he act like someone suffering from depression? How does he make a connection between these alleged feelings of inferiority and wanting to have sex with another man? Is he saying that he felt horrible enough about himself that it somehow changed his sexual orientation? None of that makes any sense.

I agree that he is not a terrific man. He put up a terrific front for a while and unfortunately took advantage of your and your DDs love and faith in him. This unfortunately is who he really is - a guy who made a conscience choice to lie and deceive a loyal fiancé who believed in him and the future of the relationship. He is a guy who can't even understand why you are so upset and believes he didn't cross a major line by placing these ads behind your back.

I know it's hard because you were blindsided and you feel like you lost your right arm. We all understand that feeling. But, you made the right decision for you and DD.

exhausted lady posted 12/20/2013 01:02 AM

He is really a terrific man so this totally blindsided me

Yeah, most guys that lead a double life appear terrific.....until their masks slip off. His did. Thank God you saw who he really is before you got in any deeper.

Make no mistake....he's a blame-shifting, lying, cheating POS who tried to (at least) lead a double life for 2/3 of your relationship.

Honey, I know you're hurting. Stuff like this is hard to wrap your mind around, especially when it's the holiday season. But please count your blessings that you found out who he REALLY is before you had kids with him!

Run. Run far and run fast. His whole "you're too good for me" crap is just that - crap. He's trying to make you feel sorry for him to hook you back into his dishonest life. Run. It's another variation of the old "woe is me" line....and then they expect you to save them. Bullshit!!!

Statements like that are a very subtle manipulation tool. Don't fall for it. Seriously, you deserve much, much better than a man who is trolling for sex on Craigslist. You will never be able to trust him, and why in the hell would you??

PhoenixRisen posted 12/20/2013 02:46 AM

I am so sorry
You didnt deserve to be treated this way

But now you know .... RUN
This is your chance to save yourself (emotionally & physically). What you discovered was most likely the tip of the iceberg. He is NOT a terrific man. He was pretending to be one to manipulate you. He wants to marry you so he can portray to everyone that he is an upstanding decent family man. What he is is a liar, a cheater, and a conman. Please protect yourself before your health is at risk with STDs he will bring "home"

confused52204 posted 12/20/2013 09:16 AM

Thx all I just can't stop blaming myself! He says this is no reason to break up a family and a good thing. I thought he was my soul mate! How do ppl do this to ppl ? I find it so easy to be faithful and loving. So I have some major flaws like cleaning a lot, wanting to make others like me , kinda controlling bc I want things my way but is that a bad thing? Enuf to do this?

nowiknow23 posted 12/20/2013 09:38 AM

Honey? He's trying to twist you into doubting yourself and your decision. And it's working.

You are controlling?
You are making a big deal out of nothing?

Um, bullshit. If someone else were posting this, you would see his manipulation and blameshifting so clearly. He's trying to downplay and normalize his abnormal behavior. It's not normal. And you are not the problem.

So I have some major flaws like cleaning a lot, wanting to make others like me , kinda controlling bc I want things my way but is that a bad thing? Enuf to do this?

Are you asking if your "flaws" (seriously? he's telling you those are flaws?) are the reason for his behavior? Are you asking if you are so awful that he's justified in doing what he did? Seriously? I hope you are able to see how ridiculous that is. How outrageous his blameshifting and manipulation are.

Again, YOU are not the problem. Your standards are not the problem. Your cleaning ( ) is not the problem. His actions are. His secrets are. His lies are. His justifications are.

((((confused))))

better4me posted 12/20/2013 09:40 AM

I'm so sorry you are going through this again. That's often one of our biggest worries, that we will be blindsided by infidelity again some day. And now you have, and guess wha--you have survived it, the world did not end, life is going on. You are still alive and breathing and one day soon you will be okay again.

Sounds like you are going through all the mind freak out things we all did when first going through this. What did I do wrong? Why did he feel the "need" to do this? Am I to blame because I (fill in the blank)? All the self blame stuff he wants you to feel so that he can feel less guilty....

Maybe it would be helpful to re-read some articles in the Healing Library. Those articles on why and how and what to do now really saved my sanity 3 years ago. (((confused)))

suckstobeme posted 12/20/2013 11:30 AM

Look, even if you were the worst housekeeper, and the most controlling woman on the planet, those are not reasons to lie and troll for sex on the internet. They just aren't. There is never a good enough justification for cheating and inflicting this sort of pain on someone you supposedly "love".

The fact that he even tries to make you believe that is a clear indication that he knows full well your desire to make sure everyone likes you. He knows you feel bad and that if he can convince you that all of this is happening because of you and your choices, you just might feel guilty enough to give it another go. It is manipulation at its finest.

You don't have the good thing that he says you do. He is not your soul mate. People who are engaged in loving, committed relationships don't destroy and emotionally abuse their partners.

Here's the thing - in the beginning of this mess, there is a major difference between your head and your heart. It seems like they are miles apart from each other. Your heart wants to feel loved by the one person that you thought really loved you. Your head, on the other hand, screams out the logical answer, which is NO - this is not love! Regardless of whatever bullshit he wants to fling at you, you need to listen to your head. Your heart will catch up.

StillLivin posted 12/20/2013 14:06 PM

I've said this before, and I'll keep saying it til the record breaks.
If you find yourself with someone who does or says thinigs to you that you would NEVER say or do to them, run. Run fast and run hard as far away in the opposite direction.
Don't second guess yourself.

.....until their masks slip off. His did.

exhausted lady nailed it with this ^^^
So now he is furiously trying to put the mask back on and convince you what you saw you didn't see. The sicko underneath isn't any less sick because he is back to blameshifting, gaslighting, and hiding his true nature from you.

Helen of Troy posted 12/20/2013 17:16 PM

He might have said and done some very nice things.
That does not mean he is 100% good.
He is sick and broken inside to be trolling for disturbing and hard core sex with strangers on the internet. Something is wrong with his wiring. That doesn't negate he might have done nice things for you or your family. In this case the bad far outweighs the good! People like him usually cannot change, even with intensive therapy it is very rare that they do.
You are most certainly not going crazy. Don't let him trick you here. This was not a one off. It is a pattern for him. Polygraph- shmollygraph. RUn! he showed you who he was. Run far and fast.
You will make it through this. Yes you will.
Stay No Contact, it is for your benefit.

kabee posted 12/23/2013 08:56 AM

Run as fast as you can and don't look back. My WS had long term girlfriends and Hooker's( excuse me he called them massage therapists). And God knows what else. We tried to reconcile for 7 months and all he did was gaslight me. Same crap your SO is saying. Its all bullshit. Some men are too broken. Get the Hell out! I went on this forum today because I'm struggling with my first Christmas divorced. Technically my 2nd since finding out. Its hard. But I will be Goddamned if I am going to settle for some narcissistic bastard . I truly am better off without him. Alone is OK for now. Sometimes I even feel at peace. Please take my advice. If I had ever even seen a glimpse of hid wayward side I could have saved myself 20 years of anguish. He is NOT going to change. You deserve better.

sparkysable posted 12/23/2013 11:05 AM

Just keep in mind that sociopaths are very good at fooling people. They are experts. They are also capable of fooling polygraphs.

There is no fixing him. He can't fix this. He could go into an inpatient treatment program, and it wouldn't fix him. He is dangerous and capable of so much more than you even found out about. Imagine what you DIDN'T find out!

Let him go, be glad you didn't find out years down the road. If you stay with him, I promise you, he will not change, he will do it again. His behavior will escalate.

sparkysable posted 12/23/2013 11:17 AM

He says this is no reason to break up a family and a good thing.

So, let me get this straight....posting hard core "casual encounter" criagslist ads, looking for not only women, but men too...is "no reason to break up a family".

Really? Because I'm pretty sure it is.

I have some major flaws like cleaning a lot, wanting to make others like me , kinda controlling bc I want things my way

Imagine what goes on in his head:

Sick Bastard: "This house is WAY too clean. I can't take it. And why does she always want to make other people like her? Ugh! I can't take it anymore! I MUST POST A CRAIGSLIST AD LOOKING FOR MEN AND WOMEN TO DO DISGUSTING THINGS WITH! That will make everything better. Oh, but I don't deserve her. I'm so terrible, she's too good for me, so I MUST POST A CRAIGSLIST AD LOOKING FOR MEN AND WOMEN TO DO DISGUSTING THINGS WITH! That will make me feel like I deserve her!"

Sound ridiculous? Because it is!