I can't seem move forward bc I get freaked out when I think about marriage. I'm an old fashion kind of gal I don't want to get married knowing this giant secret!
He states he did all that bc of depression and thinking he didn't deserve anyone as great as me! Sometimes I find myself believing that story ! I regret my decision but I'm happy I'm not in the vicious cycle of wanting and not wanting it to work!
Any thoughts or words of wisdom I'm going crazy!!! I never imagined such a crazy story!!!
Nowhere left to go but up!
He isn't a terrific man. Terrific men don't troll for bi sexual relationships on craiglist because they are "not good enough for you"
ummm, how does that work, exactly?
Run girl, run. Listen to your gut, the one that is freaking out over marring him.
I am so sorry.
It was a secret. Why was it a secret. You "discovered" it which means it was a deception.
Nothing about this is OK, in my opinion.
And still he does not get why I'm so bothered by what he did. Would this bother any women
I can't seem move forward bc I get freaked out when I think about marriage
Would this bother any women ?
Lordy, honey. You're body is telling you something!!!! Of COURSE you are getting freaked out. This isn't a small issue. This isn't a "whoopsy!" You are freaked out because this is effed up. He passed a poly that there's not been physical contact? Yea for him. Give him a cookie.
What you do NOT give him is your life. Splitting up with him was the right move. DO NOT REGRET THAT.
(((((confused))))) I'm so sorry you are going through this. Again.
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön
He must be doing a manipulative number on you during his efforts to convince you to R. He wrote hard core ads trying to solicit sex from men and women all because he was depressed and felt you were too good for him?? Did he act like someone suffering from depression? How does he make a connection between these alleged feelings of inferiority and wanting to have sex with another man? Is he saying that he felt horrible enough about himself that it somehow changed his sexual orientation? None of that makes any sense.
I agree that he is not a terrific man. He put up a terrific front for a while and unfortunately took advantage of your and your DDs love and faith in him. This unfortunately is who he really is - a guy who made a conscience choice to lie and deceive a loyal fiancé who believed in him and the future of the relationship. He is a guy who can't even understand why you are so upset and believes he didn't cross a major line by placing these ads behind your back.
I know it's hard because you were blindsided and you feel like you lost your right arm. We all understand that feeling. But, you made the right decision for you and DD.
He is really a terrific man so this totally blindsided me
Yeah, most guys that lead a double life appear terrific.....until their masks slip off. His did. Thank God you saw who he really is before you got in any deeper.
Make no mistake....he's a blame-shifting, lying, cheating POS who tried to (at least) lead a double life for 2/3 of your relationship.
Honey, I know you're hurting. Stuff like this is hard to wrap your mind around, especially when it's the holiday season. But please count your blessings that you found out who he REALLY is before you had kids with him!
Run. Run far and run fast. His whole "you're too good for me" crap is just that - crap. He's trying to make you feel sorry for him to hook you back into his dishonest life. Run. It's another variation of the old "woe is me" line....and then they expect you to save them. Bullshit!!!
Statements like that are a very subtle manipulation tool. Don't fall for it. Seriously, you deserve much, much better than a man who is trolling for sex on Craigslist. You will never be able to trust him, and why in the hell would you??
God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
But now you know .... RUN
This is your chance to save yourself (emotionally & physically). What you discovered was most likely the tip of the iceberg. He is NOT a terrific man. He was pretending to be one to manipulate you. He wants to marry you so he can portray to everyone that he is an upstanding decent family man. What he is is a liar, a cheater, and a conman. Please protect yourself before your health is at risk with STDs he will bring "home"
You are controlling?
You are making a big deal out of nothing?
Um, bullshit. If someone else were posting this, you would see his manipulation and blameshifting so clearly. He's trying to downplay and normalize his abnormal behavior. It's not normal. And you are not the problem.
So I have some major flaws like cleaning a lot, wanting to make others like me , kinda controlling bc I want things my way but is that a bad thing? Enuf to do this?
Again, YOU are not the problem. Your standards are not the problem. Your cleaning ( ) is not the problem. His actions are. His secrets are. His lies are. His justifications are.
Sounds like you are going through all the mind freak out things we all did when first going through this. What did I do wrong? Why did he feel the "need" to do this? Am I to blame because I (fill in the blank)? All the self blame stuff he wants you to feel so that he can feel less guilty....
Maybe it would be helpful to re-read some articles in the Healing Library. Those articles on why and how and what to do now really saved my sanity 3 years ago. (((confused)))
The fact that he even tries to make you believe that is a clear indication that he knows full well your desire to make sure everyone likes you. He knows you feel bad and that if he can convince you that all of this is happening because of you and your choices, you just might feel guilty enough to give it another go. It is manipulation at its finest.
You don't have the good thing that he says you do. He is not your soul mate. People who are engaged in loving, committed relationships don't destroy and emotionally abuse their partners.
Here's the thing - in the beginning of this mess, there is a major difference between your head and your heart. It seems like they are miles apart from each other. Your heart wants to feel loved by the one person that you thought really loved you. Your head, on the other hand, screams out the logical answer, which is NO - this is not love! Regardless of whatever bullshit he wants to fling at you, you need to listen to your head. Your heart will catch up.
.....until their masks slip off. His did.
"The grass is only greener where you water it."
There is no fixing him. He can't fix this. He could go into an inpatient treatment program, and it wouldn't fix him. He is dangerous and capable of so much more than you even found out about. Imagine what you DIDN'T find out!
Let him go, be glad you didn't find out years down the road. If you stay with him, I promise you, he will not change, he will do it again. His behavior will escalate.
He says this is no reason to break up a family and a good thing.
Really? Because I'm pretty sure it is.
I have some major flaws like cleaning a lot, wanting to make others like me , kinda controlling bc I want things my way
Sick Bastard: "This house is WAY too clean. I can't take it. And why does she always want to make other people like her? Ugh! I can't take it anymore! I MUST POST A CRAIGSLIST AD LOOKING FOR MEN AND WOMEN TO DO DISGUSTING THINGS WITH! That will make everything better. Oh, but I don't deserve her. I'm so terrible, she's too good for me, so I MUST POST A CRAIGSLIST AD LOOKING FOR MEN AND WOMEN TO DO DISGUSTING THINGS WITH! That will make me feel like I deserve her!"
Sound ridiculous? Because it is!