I have absolutely no motivation to do anything or engage in any type social activity. I love going to the gym and I find myself feeling too tired. I've been eating like crap where I usually am very careful.
I just want to sleep. This fog has not lifted. I need to be my happy self again. I'm pretending at work, smiling- but everything annoys me. I was at a store and this baby was crying - and I thought "that is the ugliest baby in the world and I wish it would shit the hell up" -- I only tell u this cause if you knew me you would know that this is so far removed from the person I was prior to this BS. I hate that I've become so jaded and ugly inside. I feel worthless and ugly.
I hope some of the cheaters read this and see how their selfish acts really infest a person and tears them up.
Take care of yourself in little steps. Forgive yourself from retreating from society for a while. You get lots of time to put yourself back together. Yes, bargaining comes after this, then even more anger and depression... but acceptance is part of the mix too. It can't be forced... I think it comes when a lot of the reactive emotions have finally bled out.
Breathe breathe breathe. That's your big job right now. We're here for you.
(((Alex)))
[This message edited by Jrazz at 11:39 PM, December 19th (Thursday)]
Try to find just one good thing every day. Doesn't have to be big a flowering weed, the light reflected on a puddle, someone holding a door for someone else. Jot it down on a piece of paper. Then try to find another good thing. One at a time. Sounds stupidly simple, I know, but trying to connect the bits between a flower, a dog wagging it's tail, a hit of a rainbow in a puddle, the sun-streaked sky at daybreak all of these things helped me look outside of my self and my misery and helped me to reconnect with the world.
(((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
The depression stage is normal, but so, too, is cycling back and forth between and among stages. I could go from hurt to rage to shock and back, all within the span of half a day.
But the depression bit is harder, I think. It pretty much impacts everything else in your life, which in turn negatively impacts how you feel about yourself. One of my primary sources of self-esteem was my job, and when I became so depressed that my work performance suffered, it took me that much longer to feel good about myself again.
If you haven't done so already, you may want to consider a short-term antidepressant. I loathed the thought, because I'm borderline phobic about meds because my mother is a prescription drug addict, but I started one around two months out. It helped a lot. It gave me enough energy to start exercising again (another good source of self-esteem), get out of bed, and eventually, do a better job at work. All helped.
I'm on a new one that doesn't have the usual side effects (no weight gain or sexual issues), called viibryd. Anyhow, hang in there, and there's no shame in getting some help in the form of meds.
It is insane how much more difficult it is today vs. the beginning. I long for the day when I feel angry instead of miserable. I feel completely vulnerable and worried about how I look when he is around; complete self hatred. If I didn't have to work and take care of the kids I would not leave the bed for anything.
Big hugs to you.
I know for me during bad moments of self-doubt it helps to take a breath and remember on some level I have to sit with and accept that these are the feelings I am having now and I need to embrace them.
There's a great poem by Rumi about this:
THE GUEST HOUSE This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whatever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
I'd rather die than repeat that period of my life.
Nightmares, not sleeping, losing weight, feeling like shit, not sure what to do, even MC was a struggle, not sure what to believe, not able to reconcile things said and memories, and still having to go to work every day and deal with children and their needs.
I kid you not, no exaggeration, a year out from where you are right now, I was suddenly attacked, unprovoked, by a strange man with a knife and wearing brass knuckles, in a parking lot, in broad daylight outside of a Target store. I was knocked down, suffered some cuts to the face and scalp and a few superficial wounds on the hand and shoulder. I was able to kick him off me, get free, and chase him till the police caught him. I had blood all over me. Nothing like this had ever happened to me before. People would ask me at work and other places how I was handling this, was I mentally OK, etc. I laughed about it, every time I was asked. Really. I told people it was not a big deal, I was sleeping well, eating well, and no nightmares, no nothing. I confronted the attacker in court, nothing. Really. They couldn't understand why I thought it was so damn funny.
But, what I didn't tell people was that my wife had cheated on me, that I'd been through a private hell, that nobody knew about, with those invisible wounds that were so bad that I'd take the guy with the knife again any day over the affair.
I laughed because it was like nothing in comparison...the difference was so great that I still can't think about the attack without laughing.
I'm tall, well educated, I earn a lot of money, I'm well respected in my field, and well known in my area, I've been told that I'm handsome and I've had multiple opportunities to have affairs and sexual encounters with various younger and very attractive women who work in the field locally of various types since I was married (it isn't clear what some of these women want it to be whether a ONS's or just to get what someone else has and since I never followed up on any of the opportunities I don't know exactly but it is clear that they are willing to have sex to get it).
But, like you, I have felt worthless, ugly, and unwanted at times because the person that I loved did this to me. The tall and very attractive woman who was watching me today, when I ate my lunch alone, cannot take that away. Only I can, and only by understanding what is going on inside of myself. Watch yourself, or you will fall into the very trap that our WS's do, looking for validation externally. I know that I'm a setup for this, I've felt it since the affair and the details emerged.
Having your spouse, assuming you love them...and I really loved my wife and still do, cheat on you certainly can put life in perspective and fuck you up mentally more than I would have ever imagined.
Work on it, remember, THE AFFAIR IS NOT ABOUT YOU, WHAT YOU ARE, WHAT YOU ARE NOT, IT IS ALL ABOUT THE WS AND WHAT THEY ARE, WHAT THEY ARE NOT, AND THEIR INTERNAL ISSUES.
What the WSs don't get is that they are only sorry they got caught, had the OMW not emailed me, my wife would STILL be in an affair as we speak.
I fluctuate daily, in fact right now I have just shut myself in the toilet to think for a bit. 'But I really never stopped loving you!' Seems to be a constant cheater's refrain. Yes they did; the entire time they were having the affair. To realise you lost that love to an OM/OW who isn't a fifth of the person you are is disgraceful.
They've robbed our past, made the present untenable and the future uncomfortable. Hope it was worth it.
In the meantime, find something that gives you joy and concentrate on it. Running and music works for me! It will get better...we just have to ride this out.
Me BS (34) WW (29) Married 2 years 2y old Daughter D-Day 05 Nov 13
