10 Weeks out...
I'd rather die than repeat that period of my life.
Nightmares, not sleeping, losing weight, feeling like shit, not sure what to do, even MC was a struggle, not sure what to believe, not able to reconcile things said and memories, and still having to go to work every day and deal with children and their needs.
I kid you not, no exaggeration, a year out from where you are right now, I was suddenly attacked, unprovoked, by a strange man with a knife and wearing brass knuckles, in a parking lot, in broad daylight outside of a Target store. I was knocked down, suffered some cuts to the face and scalp and a few superficial wounds on the hand and shoulder. I was able to kick him off me, get free, and chase him till the police caught him. I had blood all over me. Nothing like this had ever happened to me before. People would ask me at work and other places how I was handling this, was I mentally OK, etc. I laughed about it, every time I was asked. Really. I told people it was not a big deal, I was sleeping well, eating well, and no nightmares, no nothing. I confronted the attacker in court, nothing. Really. They couldn't understand why I thought it was so damn funny.
But, what I didn't tell people was that my wife had cheated on me, that I'd been through a private hell, that nobody knew about, with those invisible wounds that were so bad that I'd take the guy with the knife again any day over the affair.
I laughed because it was like nothing in comparison...the difference was so great that I still can't think about the attack without laughing.
I'm tall, well educated, I earn a lot of money, I'm well respected in my field, and well known in my area, I've been told that I'm handsome and I've had multiple opportunities to have affairs and sexual encounters with various younger and very attractive women who work in the field locally of various types since I was married (it isn't clear what some of these women want it to be whether a ONS's or just to get what someone else has and since I never followed up on any of the opportunities I don't know exactly but it is clear that they are willing to have sex to get it).
But, like you, I have felt worthless, ugly, and unwanted at times because the person that I loved did this to me. The tall and very attractive woman who was watching me today, when I ate my lunch alone, cannot take that away. Only I can, and only by understanding what is going on inside of myself. Watch yourself, or you will fall into the very trap that our WS's do, looking for validation externally. I know that I'm a setup for this, I've felt it since the affair and the details emerged.
Having your spouse, assuming you love them...and I really loved my wife and still do, cheat on you certainly can put life in perspective and fuck you up mentally more than I would have ever imagined.
Work on it, remember, THE AFFAIR IS NOT ABOUT YOU, WHAT YOU ARE, WHAT YOU ARE NOT, IT IS ALL ABOUT THE WS AND WHAT THEY ARE, WHAT THEY ARE NOT, AND THEIR INTERNAL ISSUES.