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AlexFL posted 12/19/2013 21:01 PM

It's been 10 weeks. At first I was in denial, then I was angry, now I'm depressed. I am in IC- she warned me this was the next phase and I also have to look forward to the bargaining phase after this.

I have absolutely no motivation to do anything or engage in any type social activity. I love going to the gym and I find myself feeling too tired. I've been eating like crap where I usually am very careful.

I just want to sleep. This fog has not lifted. I need to be my happy self again. I'm pretending at work, smiling- but everything annoys me. I was at a store and this baby was crying - and I thought "that is the ugliest baby in the world and I wish it would shit the hell up" -- I only tell u this cause if you knew me you would know that this is so far removed from the person I was prior to this BS. I hate that I've become so jaded and ugly inside. I feel worthless and ugly.

I hope some of the cheaters read this and see how their selfish acts really infest a person and tears them up.

NotFixable posted 12/19/2013 21:17 PM

((AlexFL)) I'm so sorry you are going through this. I found myself in the severely depressed stage over last weekend. I contacted my doctor on Monday and got started with some anti-depressants. It's only been 4 days, but I am already noticing a bit of a difference. You might think about trying it. We all need help sometimes and we need to do whatever it takes to make us better. Take care!

Jrazz posted 12/19/2013 23:38 PM

Honey you're not worthless or ugly. You ARE on par with what a lot of us went through during the first weeks/months of this ordeal.

Take care of yourself in little steps. Forgive yourself from retreating from society for a while. You get lots of time to put yourself back together. Yes, bargaining comes after this, then even more anger and depression... but acceptance is part of the mix too. It can't be forced... I think it comes when a lot of the reactive emotions have finally bled out.

Breathe breathe breathe. That's your big job right now. We're here for you.

(((Alex)))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 11:39 PM, December 19th (Thursday)]

Skan posted 12/20/2013 11:05 AM

The self-hatred phase is so ugly. Especially since it's triggered by someone who was supposed to support us and love us. Instead, they make us feel self-loathing and withdrawn from everything and everyone around us.

Try to find just one good thing every day. Doesn't have to be big a flowering weed, the light reflected on a puddle, someone holding a door for someone else. Jot it down on a piece of paper. Then try to find another good thing. One at a time. Sounds stupidly simple, I know, but trying to connect the bits between a flower, a dog wagging it's tail, a hit of a rainbow in a puddle, the sun-streaked sky at daybreak all of these things helped me look outside of my self and my misery and helped me to reconnect with the world.

(((hugs)))

AlexFL posted 12/20/2013 20:49 PM

I am quite sure in my head ive gained 15 pounds and at the same time I'm sure I look grossly too thin. One second I think I look old and wasting away, the next minute I am thinking I look like I've lost all tone... I feel so tired I don't even want to leave the bed (I do though). I am looking around and nothing seems worth it anymore (except the kids). I think I was doing better when this all first hit me. At least I could pretend I was the sane one- the one that could hold it all together when he was the lousy cheat and I was sure he had all the mental issues. Now he looks better and I look like hell... How long idea this phase last. I want to get back to being me but I feel so trapped by my situation and my emotions.

kra127 posted 12/20/2013 21:12 PM

AlexFL, I'm right there with you. I feel like crap but force myself to workout because it keeps me sane and helps keep my stress at a manageable level. Your point about the little things bothering you is so true for me. I feel like people I come in contact with me in stores, the gym etc can see the hurt all over me. It sucks and I wanted you to know that you are not alone.

hpv50 posted 12/22/2013 11:55 AM

AlexFL,

The depression stage is normal, but so, too, is cycling back and forth between and among stages. I could go from hurt to rage to shock and back, all within the span of half a day.

But the depression bit is harder, I think. It pretty much impacts everything else in your life, which in turn negatively impacts how you feel about yourself. One of my primary sources of self-esteem was my job, and when I became so depressed that my work performance suffered, it took me that much longer to feel good about myself again.

If you haven't done so already, you may want to consider a short-term antidepressant. I loathed the thought, because I'm borderline phobic about meds because my mother is a prescription drug addict, but I started one around two months out. It helped a lot. It gave me enough energy to start exercising again (another good source of self-esteem), get out of bed, and eventually, do a better job at work. All helped.

I'm on a new one that doesn't have the usual side effects (no weight gain or sexual issues), called viibryd. Anyhow, hang in there, and there's no shame in getting some help in the form of meds.

Skan posted 12/23/2013 12:06 PM

I am another person who has been on short-term ADs for situational depression. In my case 2x in my life. They can be of great help.

BeHappyAgain posted 12/23/2013 12:27 PM

Hi AlexFL - just want you to know that I can relate. I am in pretty much the exact same spot; 10 weeks out for me as well. I am a hot mess right now.

It is insane how much more difficult it is today vs. the beginning. I long for the day when I feel angry instead of miserable. I feel completely vulnerable and worried about how I look when he is around; complete self hatred. If I didn't have to work and take care of the kids I would not leave the bed for anything.

Big hugs to you.

conflicted27 posted 12/23/2013 17:30 PM

I'm about 10 weeks out from D Day as well and can identify with ALL of the emotions and self-doubt that you are talking about. You aren't alone and if the posts from others who are farther along than us are any indication - it will get better!

I know for me during bad moments of self-doubt it helps to take a breath and remember on some level I have to sit with and accept that these are the feelings I am having now and I need to embrace them.

There's a great poem by Rumi about this:

THE GUEST HOUSE

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

standinghere posted 12/23/2013 20:12 PM

10 Weeks out...

I'd rather die than repeat that period of my life.

Nightmares, not sleeping, losing weight, feeling like shit, not sure what to do, even MC was a struggle, not sure what to believe, not able to reconcile things said and memories, and still having to go to work every day and deal with children and their needs.

I kid you not, no exaggeration, a year out from where you are right now, I was suddenly attacked, unprovoked, by a strange man with a knife and wearing brass knuckles, in a parking lot, in broad daylight outside of a Target store. I was knocked down, suffered some cuts to the face and scalp and a few superficial wounds on the hand and shoulder. I was able to kick him off me, get free, and chase him till the police caught him. I had blood all over me. Nothing like this had ever happened to me before. People would ask me at work and other places how I was handling this, was I mentally OK, etc. I laughed about it, every time I was asked. Really. I told people it was not a big deal, I was sleeping well, eating well, and no nightmares, no nothing. I confronted the attacker in court, nothing. Really. They couldn't understand why I thought it was so damn funny.

But, what I didn't tell people was that my wife had cheated on me, that I'd been through a private hell, that nobody knew about, with those invisible wounds that were so bad that I'd take the guy with the knife again any day over the affair.

I laughed because it was like nothing in comparison...the difference was so great that I still can't think about the attack without laughing.

I'm tall, well educated, I earn a lot of money, I'm well respected in my field, and well known in my area, I've been told that I'm handsome and I've had multiple opportunities to have affairs and sexual encounters with various younger and very attractive women who work in the field locally of various types since I was married (it isn't clear what some of these women want it to be whether a ONS's or just to get what someone else has and since I never followed up on any of the opportunities I don't know exactly but it is clear that they are willing to have sex to get it).

But, like you, I have felt worthless, ugly, and unwanted at times because the person that I loved did this to me. The tall and very attractive woman who was watching me today, when I ate my lunch alone, cannot take that away. Only I can, and only by understanding what is going on inside of myself. Watch yourself, or you will fall into the very trap that our WS's do, looking for validation externally. I know that I'm a setup for this, I've felt it since the affair and the details emerged.

Having your spouse, assuming you love them...and I really loved my wife and still do, cheat on you certainly can put life in perspective and fuck you up mentally more than I would have ever imagined.

Work on it, remember, THE AFFAIR IS NOT ABOUT YOU, WHAT YOU ARE, WHAT YOU ARE NOT, IT IS ALL ABOUT THE WS AND WHAT THEY ARE, WHAT THEY ARE NOT, AND THEIR INTERNAL ISSUES.

AlexFL posted 12/26/2013 22:42 PM

Thank you for all your posts. They are so helpful. I am in IC and that is helping. I have lost interest in a lot of things around me. I didn't expect to hit this depression. I only say this because if someone has just found out , I want them to know that you will go thru Denial, and then Anger, and then depression. The anger stage was not easy but at least it was directed at BS. In depression it's directed toward ourselves. I totally felt more in control and stronger right after I found out then I do now. Now I feel ugly, sad, like a loser bc I dedicated my life to someone that I never thought would do this AGAIN. It's so sad cause there's so much hurt and pain but there's still love. It's been a roller coaster ride and it still is.

Hurthalo posted 12/29/2013 01:05 AM

Alex, I am in the same boat. I am only 7 weeks out and my WW thinks that because she's doing everything right, that I should somehow be happy to take her back because she's willing to 'work on her problems.'

What the WSs don't get is that they are only sorry they got caught, had the OMW not emailed me, my wife would STILL be in an affair as we speak.

I fluctuate daily, in fact right now I have just shut myself in the toilet to think for a bit. 'But I really never stopped loving you!' Seems to be a constant cheater's refrain. Yes they did; the entire time they were having the affair. To realise you lost that love to an OM/OW who isn't a fifth of the person you are is disgraceful.

They've robbed our past, made the present untenable and the future uncomfortable. Hope it was worth it.

In the meantime, find something that gives you joy and concentrate on it. Running and music works for me! It will get better...we just have to ride this out.

AlexFL posted 12/29/2013 23:14 PM

Hi hurthalo, sorry to hear you are going thru the same thing. I am also confused as what to do. This is not the first time we are going thru this. U would think it would be easier. I think I keep making excuses. Maybe still in denial that this person I've been with since I was barely old enough to drive destroyed my trust. I am a nice person and often too forgiving but I never forget the pain. I can't believe that after our lives were DESTROYED last time that this could happen AGAIN. We are actually talking R - says maybe it's a deeper problem then originally thought. I know I do not have any trust left. I know I question every move, everything is under inspection in my mind... The past and the present. I just don't know if I can allow this to end what once was so great. People were so jealous of us. We were inseparable for 20 years. Then things changed 4 years ago. Idk what happened or maybe this has been going on forever and I just wasn't honed in on the signs. It's sad. The biggest problem I have is 1. All the lies (even when confronted with evidence) 2. No protection was used. (That could be lethal... What an a#%hole huh!!!!
But growing up together and having so many good years prior, I guess I just keep hoping for a miracle, not sure what to do.