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Sex with BBf.

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pointofnoreturn posted 12/20/2013 09:01 AM

Hi all. I have a question regarding sex. As of late, it's been difficult for me to have sex with BBF. He has no problem offering and usually there is no qualms when I offer.

Now, BBF's love language is physical contact. Oftentimes, he will want sex because of feeling insecure. Sex to him is a means of coping with the trauma I brought him, and helping us bond again.

We went through the hysterical bonding phase and sex is back to normal...when we do it. I find it hard for me to initiate and be excited for it. I do believe it has to deal with my BC, anxiety and depression over the subject.

If this isn't too much information...I'm ashamed of the kind of sex I enjoy. Nothing with whips or chains or anything, but I'm completely submissive. I think this is due to how past sexual abuse made me take a back seat when it came to sex.

But this is the only way I'm able to really enjoy it. But then I can't enjoy it because it makes me feel ashamed.

Sometime on this forum, I found a topic about an OW calling her AP "daddy". Everyone had commented on how sick and disgusting it was. At that moment I lamented over just quietly leaving the forums or not. It is one thing to have someone be disgusted by your A, but a good few members found a particular interest of mine disgusting, even if it was with someone around my age and only occasionally occurs in the bedroom. I can't enjoy sex anymore. Just at that moment I felt alienated, and that someone like me doesn't belong here.

My BBF feels that I feel this way over shame and guilt of my As. And while that's true, it isn't the sole reason.

Despite him telling me it's okay to say no, I feel like if I do, I'm ruining another chance to heal. He doesn't take the no badly that I know of.

Should I just accept any proposition, whether I want it or not? Should my needs come after his in this regard? I just feel that I can't enjoy anything sexual anymore because my interests make me feel disgusting, and in my own way, I'm shielding him from this disgusting being that is myself.

Brandon808 posted 12/20/2013 09:18 AM

BH here and I have to commend you on your courage in posting about this.

Despite him telling me it's okay to say no, I feel like if I do, I'm ruining another chance to heal.
I understand your point. You have to trust that if he says it's ok for you to say no then he means it. Being willing to share that you're not in the mood and be that open and honest is also a chance for healing. Trust that he's strong enough to handle it.

I'm ashamed of the kind of sex I enjoy.
Are you in IC? My feeling is that whatever sex/intimacy two consenting adults enjoy is between them. It's nobody else's business what the two of you enjoy. Now if what you like was shaped by past experience and you genuinely want to change that, well that is another matter. If you want to change what you like because you're worried about the way other people view it then I would recommend you work on not letting it get to you (I know, easier said than done).

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 9:21 AM, December 20th (Friday)]

Aubrie posted 12/20/2013 09:31 AM

My feeling is that whatever sex/intimacy two consenting adults enjoy is between them. It's nobody else's business what the two of you enjoy.

Your post struck a nerve with me. I know the post you are referring to and I too felt myself cringing when comments were made about specific things. Here's the thing. We are all different. Some people like vanilla sex, other people like a triple fudge, whipped cream, covered in nuts, cherry on top, caramel sauce confection, and other people mix their ice cream with pickles. And ya know what? There's nothing wrong with any of it. We are all individuals and are "allowed" to like what we like.

Do you enjoy it? Then enjoy it. Who. cares. what other people think!? They aren't in your bed. They aren't in your mind.

There are..."strange" things I'm into. I refuse to feel guilt about it. I spent a lifetime being repressed, feeling guilty, feeling "dirty" for something that is completely natural. Never again. I do what I do, QS is totally into it, end of story.

When did the shame kick in? Have you always felt shame over the type of sex you enjoy?

wifehad5 posted 12/20/2013 11:27 AM

Should I just accept any proposition, whether I want it or not? Should my needs come after his in this regard?

Talk to him about this. It gets tricky being close to D-day, but I'm going with the assumption that his long term plan is a healthy relationship with you.


20WrongsVs1 posted 12/20/2013 11:59 AM

This is the only way I'm able to really enjoy it. But then I can't enjoy it because it makes me feel ashamed.



At the risk of "should-ing" on myself...I am a bit jealous that you're aware of and dealing with your sexual issues (for lack of a better word) at your age! And really glad for you that you're brave enough to look at it.

[end t/j]

What an awful predicament. There's only one type of sex you enjoy. But afterward you feel ashamed. Which makes you reluctant to even bother. ((pointofnoreturn)) there aren't enough hugs in the world.

I'm shielding him from this disgusting being that is myself.

Ouch. This is so sad. Because one problem with this thought is, if you want D/S (dominant/submissive) sex but you're too ashamed to do it with him, you might be tempted to find some random dick (pun intended) to satisfy your sexual needs. Because you don't care what random dick thinks of you.

Are you open to the possibility that if you heal from the trauma of sexual abuse, that you could learn to enjoy a type of lovemaking that is more...IDK...cooperative?

I'm not saying that you liking D/S sex is wrong. Not at all. But the way you're describing it...that doesn't sound like a healthy sex life.

Have you read The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz? I highly recommend it, it's written exactly for people like you and me who, after being sexually abused (notice I didn't say "because of") turn to sexual deviancy. In the pages of that book you will see that what you're going through is not an unusual response to the trauma you suffered.

At my first IC appointment, when I finished telling her I was finally in therapy (20 years later) to deal with damage from childhood sexual abuse, my therapist says, "I'm surprised you've been able to have a normal sex life at all." And I'm like, umm, that's gonna need a whole 'nother session.

So glad you didn't leave SI.

pointofnoreturn posted 12/20/2013 12:44 PM

On the subject of it, I never had been opposed to regular sex with BBF. after all, such things are normally tiring. But even if it isn't hardcore d/s sex, I notice I'm always the submissive one. I guess I don't mind being submissive, it's just that now when I think of the "Daddy" stuff do I become sickened.

Prior to Dday, I didn't think much of it. It was just that realizing just how broken I am makes me think about how this aspect of myself could be broken as well. On that day, or around it, something shut off. For example, I'd have these 70's rock star crushes. Looking at them now, I'm just "eh".

I think that while other people can enjoy it, it's not and shouldn't be for me. I used to like it for the wrong reasons.

I don't know if I just "grew out of it" or what, but for the majority of the part, I'm a bit disgusted about it. Given that AP2 was nearing his 40's...yeah, no it's unhealthy.

While I know BBF is just trying to be all sweet and sexy for me, I guess the daddy talk is a trigger for the A. Thus I just kind of shut off when it comes to sex

I'll talk to him tonight and see what he feels about it.

painfulpast posted 12/20/2013 12:58 PM

Hi - just chiming in because I too remember that post - and I think it's being taken very wrong here.

The post was about a girl have the WHs age, very young, 20 or 21 maybe? and she was calling him 'daddy'. The man had a daughter 3 or 4 years younger than this woman. These circumstances are what made people think it was all very twisted. That this man would find it sexual to be called ‘daddy’ by a girl barely older than his own daughter.

I don’t think anyone was saying that the mere act of using the word/name/whatever ‘Daddy’ during sex was disgusting. It was the participants in this particular act. Also, it’s unclear if ‘daddy’ was even used during sex. She was calling him this in emails and texts and whatnot.

I really hope this helps to alleviate the shame you’ve associated with yourself due to this post you refer to, or at least some of it.

IGaveItMyAll posted 12/20/2013 13:35 PM

Hello!!! BS chiming in. I was a lot like your BS. I saw sex and a way of affirming I was desirable by my WW. My love language is physical touch. So whne my WW didn't want sex I would feel double rejected especially after her A. My WW would have sex with me even though she didn't really want it and I would take it. This would only leave me feeling more disconnected and would put a tremendous amount of pressure on her leaving me looking and feeling needy. Totally sucks. What I did is told my wife I wasn't going to have sex with her for an entire month. I just needed to recalibrate myself. I did a lot of soul searching that month. I made a decision that I would not have sex at all if it was not consensual and I stick to that to this day. I do have to watch the rejection feeling and be sure I don't go in to anger or passive aggressive negative cylce loops. But that is what I do.

Sometimes we will have sex twice a week. Sometimes it will be once every 2 weeks. My W was just diagnosed with clinical depression (She has been living with this for the past 8 years) our MC believes this is why her sex drive is so low. Are you taking medication? My W hasn't started her meds yet but I am hopeful this will help her libido return.

You BBF will need to stop looking to you and sex to validate his self worth. It is a really hard thing and you can't really push him to do that. It is something he will have to work on himself.

As far as what you enjoy in sex. You both will have to get to a point where you can freely express your turn ons without judgement. If you can get there you will be able to open up about your fantasies without shame and maybe you both can work on pleasing each other the way you both like it. It could open up a new chapter of sexual communication. My W and I aren't there yet. She is really closed off to sexuality. She says she wants to but her body won't let her go there. Again our MC believes her depression has a lot to do with that. So here is to hoping for the both of us lol

ShockedErica11 posted 12/20/2013 16:19 PM

I remember that post as well, and - like you - I had/have? That same feeling with sex sometimes. I didn't have D/s sex with the AP in stitch, but he knew of my kinks because he was an ex- and when we dated, I was actually very open with him sexually. When I was a teen, however, I did go after MUCH older men because of CSA issues. That thread made me feel all kinds of bad about myself, but I am looking into it. I do enjoy D/s in some respects, but because of CSA, I am looking into the "Daddy" aspect. You're not alone in your feelings, at all.

[This message edited by ShockedErica11 at 4:19 PM, December 20th (Friday)]

pointofnoreturn posted 12/21/2013 08:39 AM

So we talked a bit the other night. I think he understood where I was coming from. A feeling of relief came soon after. There's still the problem of me not being...ahem, "active", but I'll take this one step at a time. I at least now know I don't have to worry about the daddy stuff.

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