Hi all. I have a question regarding sex. As of late, it's been difficult for me to have sex with BBF. He has no problem offering and usually there is no qualms when I offer.
Now, BBF's love language is physical contact. Oftentimes, he will want sex because of feeling insecure. Sex to him is a means of coping with the trauma I brought him, and helping us bond again.
We went through the hysterical bonding phase and sex is back to normal...when we do it. I find it hard for me to initiate and be excited for it. I do believe it has to deal with my BC, anxiety and depression over the subject.
If this isn't too much information...I'm ashamed of the kind of sex I enjoy. Nothing with whips or chains or anything, but I'm completely submissive. I think this is due to how past sexual abuse made me take a back seat when it came to sex.
But this is the only way I'm able to really enjoy it. But then I can't enjoy it because it makes me feel ashamed.
Sometime on this forum, I found a topic about an OW calling her AP "daddy". Everyone had commented on how sick and disgusting it was. At that moment I lamented over just quietly leaving the forums or not. It is one thing to have someone be disgusted by your A, but a good few members found a particular interest of mine disgusting, even if it was with someone around my age and only occasionally occurs in the bedroom. I can't enjoy sex anymore. Just at that moment I felt alienated, and that someone like me doesn't belong here.
My BBF feels that I feel this way over shame and guilt of my As. And while that's true, it isn't the sole reason.
Despite him telling me it's okay to say no, I feel like if I do, I'm ruining another chance to heal. He doesn't take the no badly that I know of.
Should I just accept any proposition, whether I want it or not? Should my needs come after his in this regard? I just feel that I can't enjoy anything sexual anymore because my interests make me feel disgusting, and in my own way, I'm shielding him from this disgusting being that is myself.