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lisaloo posted 12/20/2013 11:42 AM

So, if you read my last rant, STBXH counterfiled and claimed that I am an unfit mother, yada, yada, yada, said he wants full custody of DD with visitation for ME, and child support from ME.

He sent an email the other day asking if I was willing to sit down with him and amicably discuss what we want at the end of all this divorce mess.

I took the advice of some other SI folks and just replied "I have read your counterclaim, do you still intend to pursue sole custody of DD?"

STBXH replied this morning "I am willing to negotiate amicably if you are willing to negotiate amicably." (never mind that calling me an ufit mother is FAR from amicable).

I replied AGAIN, "Do you still intend to pursue sole custody of DD?"

His last response was "I will accept nothing less than joint custody. If you are willing to start there, I think that we can work everything out. You filed for sole custody first."

Well no shit I filed for sole custody, she's my biological kid, asshat.

My question here is, should I just tell STBXH that joint legal custody is negotiable, but sole physical with visitation is not? Or should I not answer...I mean, I dont want to end up in court, but this is my bottom line.

Thoughts?

Nature_Girl posted 12/20/2013 11:49 AM

Do not answer! This MUST go through your lawyer. You asked him the question, he provided his answer. That's all you need to know. Give this to your lawyer & stop negotiating or making promises (to negotiate amicably).

Thin ice is under you, Hon. Back away.

nowiknow23 posted 12/20/2013 11:52 AM

Agree with Nature Girl. Stop discussing with him. Go dark. Lawyer only.

peridot posted 12/20/2013 11:57 AM

Do not respond to him. You got your answer. You know what he is after now. Let your attorney know and also ask if there is anything you can do since you allowed him to adopt your child under false pretenses. No more communication with him. Send it all to your attorney and let the attorney respond.

lisaloo posted 12/20/2013 12:01 PM

Got it, no answer to his question...

BUT...should I just respond by telling him that he is more than welcome to have his attny type up an offer and send it to my attny? I mean, dont I WANT to know what kind of BS he thinks he's going to be getting out of all this?

Nature_Girl posted 12/20/2013 12:04 PM

BTW, I suspect you will end up in court. Your thoughts need to not include sentiments like "I don't want to end up in court". That's not helpful. Your end goal is to prevent that asshole from getting any custody of your daughter whatsoever (and IMHO, no visitation, either). If that means court, then it means court. Court is like the coliseum in ancient Rome. You better be prepared to be a fucking gladiator & fight for your daughter, 'cuz your bastard STBX sure has his sights fixed on her.

ETA: No, do not respond to him anymore. Don't make suggestions, don't tell him how to conduct his legal business with his lawyer during this divorce. No more being helpful and amicable. Please!

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 12:05 PM, December 20th (Friday)]

Dreamboat posted 12/20/2013 12:07 PM

crickets. You do not have to respond in anyway. You are not required to respond in anyway. And he did not ask a question in his last text.

It is time to let your L and his L negotiate. Do not trust stbx. He will try to bully you into do what he wants if you meet with him. This likely will not go to court -- do not think of sitting down with him and court are the only 2 options. Most D settlements come about in negotiations between the L or mediation.

Stay strong and rely on your L

momentintime posted 12/20/2013 12:17 PM

Is he a pedophile?

Seems he is using your daughter as his bargaining chip to gain an advantage, either no CS or SS, property settlement, whatever he is after. He has an agenda and he is following it.

First he tells you he wants sole custody, you are an unfit mother, then negotiates down to 50/50, what is his bottom line? We all know you start out sky high in demands so you have negotiating room. Seems he is trying this out on you. Don't have the knee-jerk reaction he is looking for. He is trying to scare you, use you fear against you. He is playing games, yes, but he is trying to WIN. Everything through a lawyer in answer. See how he reacts when he sees you aren't going to play his games.

lisaloo posted 12/20/2013 12:21 PM

Thanks all!!

I haven't given/promised/answered anything STBXH has asked-except to reply to this email to ask if he was still trying to get custody of DD-and I dont intend to. It's just a long, messy, crappy, path that I am on, and it's nice to have all you SI folks acting as guideposts along the way!!

So...crickets...got it.

My attny filed my response to his couterclaim this morning...I have a feeling that STBXH had not gotten his copy from his attny when he sent that email, as I dont think that he would be so willing to be amicable with me if he had

osxgirl posted 12/20/2013 14:03 PM

I wondered the same thing as momentintime - is there any chance he is a pedophile?

Of course, I also wondered this: was he possibly very sincere at the time of adoption, and even though he's gone off the rails otherwise, still loves your DD very much and does consider her his DD too?

The answers to these two very different questions to me are what you need to decide how to proceed.

If he really loves her, is a true dad, she wants him to be a dad, and all that... then I would say it's no different than if she was his bio-kid. You probably want him to have at least some visitation and possibly even joint custody. If he really has become dad, then that's probably what's best for DD.

If none of that is true, then what is the motivation? Is it just to get at you? To get out of CS? Or is it something worse? Is it possible that marrying you was more about your DD than it was you?

You've gotten good advise about going through your lawyer, but your lawyer can only help you so far. These are questions you need to answer for yourself and be comfortable with so you can decide what direction you need to go in. If there is any chance that he did all this with ulterior motives initially, you need to tell your L and come up with a plan to keep her away.

Of course, I haven't seen you say anything about him in that direction, and I don't mean to worry you if it really isn't a concern.

The bottom line is - you need to figure out what is best for DD here, and do what you need to try and get that for her.