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SisterMilkshake posted 12/20/2013 12:02 PM

DD asked me to babysit for older grandson on Monday morning. He is 3 1/2 wonderful years old. We get along famously, although he is what I call a "high demand child". Also, he is precocious. DD was taking my 1 year old grandson in for his yearly check up.

When she came to pick up her son from me she said "Mom, don't freak out!" she handed me a little white folder. "The appointment was for me, Mom. I am pregnant, due in May." as I am looking at her ultrasound pictures of our third grandson. Wow!

DD isn't happy. Either is her husband. However, they are looking at all the positives. They were thinking about possibly having 3 children, but not year after year. Both of her latest pregnancies were birth control failures. She actually had an appointment for a more permanent form of birth control, an IUD, which had to be cancelled and became pregnant before her next appointment.

DD and SIL are college educated. DD works a part time (HA! HA!) job at night when her husband comes home from work. They are financially strained as is. DD is overwhelmed with 2 little boys. "Mom, I don't think I can stay at home with 3 little children." "Oh, honey, I so understand." Motherhood is so fucking hard and so under fucking rated!!!!!!!!!!!

I hugged her and kissed her, congratulated her. We talked about all the positives. Reassured her it was going to be okay. I know how it feels to have an unplanned, undesired pregnancy. We were just going to have two. DD was first and she is going to be 34 in January. Six years later, DS27. Thats it. I knew my maternal limitations. I suffer from anxiety/panic attacks. I needed to have our children spaced at least 4 years apart and two was the max I could handle. Well, at the age of 40, and ten years after son was born, we had an unplanned pregnancy.

We were not happy. We saw freedom from raising children just eight short years ahead of us gone. The guilt was overwhelming. It wasn't the baby's fault. And so many countless couples desperately want to get pregnant and can't and here I am complaining about being pregnant. I had to go to IC to deal with it. I mean, when people laughed because they thought it was a hilarious that we were 40 and going to have a baby, or said "The baby will be a such a blessing, you will see" it was really hard to not either burst out in tears or punch them in the face. IC helped a lot.

Having our DS17 started kind of a domino effect, which I won't get into here now. Some very good, some very awful. The thing is, DS17 is wonderful, a joy. We love him so much, he brings so much happiness to our lives. We went to his H.S. Concert Choir's holiday program last night. There he was in his tuxedo, the most handsome of all the young men there and I was so proud and happy. Teared up at how happy I was. We shake our heads now at how distressed we were. If we had it to do over, we would definitely do it again. Except maybe 5 years earlier.

*sigh* Both DD and I tend to lean towards existentialism. So saying "It was meant to be" and such is meaningless for us. We don't believe in a master plan, destiny or fate. We believe life is random and absurd and filled with coincidences. We both kind of wished we could believe in that "fate" stuff, but we just don't.

If you have read my rather long post, thanks. I just needed to get it out there as I was triggered back to my pregnancy and knowing how my poor daughter is feeling. Knowing that there really is nothing I can do or say. That never leaves. Wanting to make things all better for your children and so helpless when we can't.

p.s. Not only disappointed in being pregnant again, it is another boy. We both wanted a girl desperately.

eta: to remove some extra words

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 12:05 PM, December 20th (Friday)]

k94ever posted 12/20/2013 12:08 PM

She always has the option of getting her tubes tied when the baby is born.

k9

SisterMilkshake posted 12/20/2013 12:18 PM

Believe me, k9, if she is getting a c-section she will have them tied right then. DD and husband already made that decision. If she doesn't get her tubes tied he is getting a vasectomy shortly after the birth of their son.

thebighurt posted 12/20/2013 12:30 PM

I totally get this, Sister. Similar story to both you and DD. My two were nearly 4 and 14 months when DS #2 arrived. It was the failure of a previously successfully used BC. And circumstances were such that we actually had no way to calculate a due date. It was purely a guess based on comparing measurements of the previous two.

Life was very difficult but very fulfilling with them so close, once the days of double diaper duty and three sick kids at once were past, especially. And it was almost ALL on ME. Xpos was not around much, working OT to support us and still not making ends meet.

That much was like DD, but the rest has been like your story now. All three are M with families and great friends and helpers.

SisterMilkshake posted 12/20/2013 12:34 PM

Thanks, bighurt. It is a tough road. Glad you can understand and bravo to you for surviving that road. Yes, the end payoff can be fantastic, but the journey can be very difficult. (((thebighurt)))

thebighurt posted 12/20/2013 12:44 PM

dang phone! I wasn't done!!

I am very proud and thankful for my *oops* baby. He has always been the one who shared things and talked to me about them. He is the one who brought so many things to us.

Granted, he was the one who was a terrible teen with lots of school issues, but even that didn't make me regret anything about him. Since then, he has brought so many delights.

He is so smart about people and is the only one of the three who wanted more info about our situation and talks to me about his father's behavior. He called him on his actions immediately after DDay in no uncertain terms and continues to remind him that what he did was and is wrong. Too bad he lives so far away.

Another thing about having them close is that, in spite of occasional spats, they are closer than ever with each other in spite of the distances between them, support one another and call each other as needed on things they say or do.

nowiknow23 posted 12/20/2013 12:54 PM

((((DD)))) Sending strength to your DD and her husband, and mojo for a smooth and healthy pregnancy.

SisterMilkshake posted 12/20/2013 13:00 PM

Thanks, nik. I will relay the message to my DD.

Rebreather posted 12/20/2013 16:28 PM

A hearty congrats to your lovely daughter.

But I understand her angst. Being pregnant was scary and hard for me. Being a mother to little children was not my forte. I love my teens - and if THAT doesn't tell you how hard I found babies to be, I don't know what will!

The good news, is your daughter is bright and resilient. She'll make it work, because that's what her option is. Plus, she has great support from her parents!

Runninggirl posted 12/20/2013 23:44 PM

I know I am totally missing the point of the post here, but all I could think of when reading it was how LUCKY your daughter is to have a mom like you.

I cannot even imagine how amazing it must be for her to have a close relationship like that with you :)

It's stressful now, but she has a good role model. I have a feeling it will all turn out just fine and in the long run wouldn't be able to picture it any other way.

Rg

DeadMumWalking posted 12/21/2013 02:22 AM

SMS DD, Welcome to the 3 boys club

Sending strength and mojo to your DD. SMS, you are a great support to your DD - the hallmark of a great mom.

((((SMS & DD))))

Bobbi_sue posted 12/21/2013 03:12 AM

Congratulations on being a Grandma...again!

Lostandpregnant posted 12/21/2013 09:12 AM

When the twins arrive, I will have 7 kids under 14.
I totally understand :P

PricklePatch posted 12/21/2013 11:00 AM

Wow just wow. The title of your post is just wow.

Want2help posted 12/21/2013 16:03 PM

I agree with the previous poster who mentioned what a great relationship you must have with your DD. Good job, Sister.

tushnurse posted 12/21/2013 16:48 PM

Unlike you I am a firm believer in everything happening for a reason. This hidden blessing will make its reasons known at some point.
While overwhelming right now in a year or so you all won't remember what life was like without him.

A word of caution and experience here. If they opt the Vasectomy route which I'm a huge proponent of due to it being much less invasive and much lower risk of complication and much cheaper. Please don't skip getting the all clear of swimmers test.

I have a friend with a 3rd child because they did. I also have a spouse that it took 3 times the normal amnt of times to get the all clear.

I hope this is an easy pregnancy, birth, and baby for her.

Audrina posted 12/21/2013 18:33 PM

Just curious....what method of birth control was she using?

jjsr posted 12/22/2013 09:31 AM

Better yet her husband could get a vasectomy. Why are the birth control options all put on her. Let him get snipped. Its easier, and cheaper and he holds 50% responsibility of whether they keep having kids or not

SisterMilkshake posted 12/24/2013 15:00 PM

I am sorry everyone, I want to respond, but I can't at this time. I am feeling extremely ill. Hit by some kind of virus and can barely function and I am hosting Christmas!

I will get back to you all hopefully on Christmas night!

karmahappens posted 12/24/2013 15:13 PM

Feel better

and Congrats!

At 45, I would actually love to have another baby...but those days are gone.

She will see the blessing he is and love him tons.

Maerry Christmas SMS