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Oh the Irony posted 12/20/2013 15:13 PM

I love OKCupid, can't stand POF, and feel kind of lukewarm right now about Match.

I don't like the whole wink thing. Just send me a message, darnit! I've been ignoring winks as none of them have interested me. Now someone of some interest has winked. Do I wink back or send a message??

fireproof posted 12/20/2013 15:23 PM

Personally I would send a casual message.

Good luck!

Oh the Irony posted 12/20/2013 15:25 PM

There are two now that are of some interest. Le Sigh.

I guess I will. I'm not really a wink type of woman online. I don't know if I like men who wink though...we'll see what they have to say.

little turtle posted 12/20/2013 17:49 PM

won't know till you try.

Blackhair posted 12/20/2013 18:41 PM

Just keep in mind a lot times, the same guy might be talking/ winking five different woman at the same, like a catalogue where are so many matches to choose from, so it is hard to tell if he is serious or not, there are a few for sure.

My advice to take your time and do not expect too much so you won't get hurt.

I met one guy on only, I kept in postponing our first coffee date for a couple of months, he is still interested in meeting me, so I finally met him, we did lots of things together, he is very nice, decent gentleman as I thought.

I can feel he likes me a lot, which is nice, but I am not sure he is the right one tho.

I hate to hurt him tho....but right now, it is great to do things with him, I enjoyed it!

GotPlayed posted 12/20/2013 19:50 PM

I just signed up to match, since our separation mediation meeting is on Monday and my WW is unremorseful. I didn't put a picture yet, until paperwork is in. But I did pay for the 6 month deal.

Sure it's maybe too early, but mostly I'll be using it to keep my self-esteem up and chat with women using the email feature as friendship first. After all, two wrongs don't make a right.

Once I'm out of the house, I plan on meeting people for coffee and such. Keeping it casual.

cmego posted 12/20/2013 20:25 PM


Just be very upfront that you are looking for friendship first.

If a guy is recently separated, I don't communicate with them. Your emotions are waaaaay too raw to be dating. "Using" dating to boost your self esteem is bad for you and bad for the people you try to convince you are ready to date.

movingforward13 posted 12/20/2013 21:33 PM

Double post

[This message edited by movingforward13 at 9:35 PM, December 20th (Friday)]

movingforward13 posted 12/20/2013 21:33 PM

Got played, please take the time to heal. I know you are hurting but you are broken right now and broken only attracts broken. You will end up hurting someone or get hurt worse yourself. I know you say "just friend"ships but the truth of the matter is, we know where that all leads. People on match are looking to date, not have "friends". If you are looking for companionship, join a club, start a group hobby, work out in groups. BUT HEAL FIRST.

Many people don't take the time to heal in between relationships and wonder why things don't go right with the next relationship. Give yourself time and heal.

< / end 2x4 > *hugs*

Pass posted 12/21/2013 09:14 AM

Hey Irony,

I agree that sending a message is preferable, but it's important to put some effort into the message. I regularly get messages on OKCupid that are just one word:"Hey"

I have a hard time getting motivated to respond to that, or even figuring out how I WOULD respond.

cmego posted 12/21/2013 09:36 AM

Oh…sorry, I should have answered the question.

If I get a "hey" message, then I think they are trying to IM me, and I ignore it.

On Match, if I received a "wink", then I did look at their profile but normally didn't respond. Only once did I like the guy's profile and sent a "Thanks for winking at me…can you tell me more about XXX? (something I saw in their profile)". It worked..we dated for a month or so.

Must Survive posted 12/21/2013 09:49 AM

Can't anyone on Match wink? And receive winks? But only paid members can email or receive emails?

Something to consider.

Oh the Irony posted 12/21/2013 10:47 AM

Well, I just sent a short note to both of them. Something interesting in their profile and that I would be open to chatting some.

One sent a message back that he was making meatballs for the first time tonight. That is all. No questions or anything to initiate a conversation.

The other one sent me his number and told me to text or call him. Mayhap he took "chatting" literally?

Anyway, both lazy responses after a lazy wink. Not good enough!

Oh the Irony posted 12/21/2013 10:50 AM

Pass, on my OKC profile I actually have that messages like "hey" or "wats up" are ignored. And I totally do ignore them.

I'm new to match, and don't really know the culture of the wink thing. I think Blackhair nailed it--they are sending out mass winks and seeing what they get.

The responses were so incredibly generic that I know they won't hold my attention.

GotPlayed posted 12/21/2013 11:14 AM

Hi everyone,

Thank you for the warnings. You're right, at the moment I'm no picture, just "window shopping". And I'm completely up front about friendship first, maybe even friendship only for a long time.

I've emailed one or two and got in contact with someone who turned out to be a (long since divorced) BS who doesn't want to meet until she feels I'm at a better place but is being very helpful as a sounding board and source of advice (a bit like here I guess) :)

Definitely don't want to rush into anything or hurt anyone/be hurt again. Being very up front about this. Just need to create a social circle. I don't know many people.

I looked for groups but there's nothing that has meetings before January or February in my area (other than a divorcecare group I plan on attending in Jan). People with my hobbies meet 30 miles away with bad traffic at the closest. When I have moved out I will have time again I think.

Thanks for the concern everyone, I'll follow the advice and take it super slow.

shiloe posted 12/22/2013 08:20 AM

Many people don't take the time to heal in between relationships and wonder why things don't go right with the next relationship.

You know, I completely understand this. It makes sense. But what I can't wrap my head around is

these WS actually date while they are married and plan on leaving the BS or do leave for their AP and end up with AP or marry them and sometimes it seems to last. How is that?

In the meantime we are not even dating because it's still too soon even though divorced

hurtbs posted 12/22/2013 11:01 AM

Look at their profile and see if anything interests you. If it does, then send a short message using that to start a conversation, e.g. "You say you like museums. Have you seen the new "exhibit" at "local museum?""

Hoops posted 12/23/2013 12:49 PM


I HATED winks!! I was on and off Match for about a year and like you, why cant they just take a moment to put the effort into writing something!!

I discovered a couple of things, nothing is consistant. I had a couple of guys who actually put effort into the emails, even the first ones. Most were really looking for a serious relationship, two were playing and looking for ego kibbles.

Winks drove me nuts. Most were so unrealistic ... they clearly hadn't even read my profile.

I did have a two conversations (I remember) with the guys about the whole winking idea. Both were seriously looking for women (my current husband and the one I met before him that I was sure was looking to get married, he just wanted someone 10 years younger and we were the same age..). What I took away is that sometimes they do it because they are unsure if you would be interested in them. It could be distance, your profile, a number of things but they may not quite sure. And they are guys (no offense!), it is there for them to use and they will use it. Nothing wrong with it, just might be their thought process. When my H and I talk about it, he really didnt get what was wrong with it at first (why some of us don't like it). So just like the guys who appeared to put effort into the emails but were players, there are those who wink who are, in fact, really looking for something serious.

So if he sounds interesting go ahead and drop him a line. Honestly, what is it going to hurt? If he is a player, you will find out. If he is a great guy why would you want to have possibly missed out? Use it as practice if you end up meeting him. Seriously you just never know.

My H passed me up on Match multiple time (Match kept suggesting us as a good match) because I sounded too serious and I dont photograph well at all (only had a few pictures to choose from). I was the one who emailed him (one of 4 sent that day) because I found him in the recently viewed section. We were married 13 months later and this is the best relationship I have ever had in my life (because we both learned a lot from our first marriages, healed and grew a lot. This was far from either of our first relationships out of our marriges as we were 2 and 4 years post divorce). But if he had judged me on his first impression we would not be here today. I am grateful he gave me the chance, and he tells me all the time he is too.

So this guy winked, as much as I hated them too, I would probably just give it a chance (for someone I found interesting!!). Why not?

If you do, let us know how it goes!!!!!!

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