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T/j on Xmas gifts for WS... Is this to mean?

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Completelybroken posted 12/20/2013 15:20 PM

Two days before I found out about my FWH A ( it happened 5 years ago has been faithful since then) I bought him a PS 4. Long complicated story short I ended up with two of them.

I have been deciding what to do with them, give them away donate them sell them smash them to bits and leave them under the tree depending on my mood for the day.

I have know about his A for six months know. We are in MC, I am in IC and seeing a psychiatrist ( have always had depression but this has made it almost unbearable). All the therapists say he is doing exactly what he should be doing to R.

He tells me he's sorry and is specific about what he is sorry for. He texts me through out the day. Sits down twice a week with me to answer any and all questions I have- I have checked phone records, used VARS, had phone/computer forensics done- so far everything he has told me checks out.

I AM STILL FUCKING PISSED!! I do want to R but I know it's going to take time so I can't be outright mean..BUT what's y'all's opinion on this?

He happened to be home when the boxes came since two sets came it confused him but he knew it was the day the ps 4 came out he didn't open the boxes and I have them at work so he's pretty sure that's what I got him. So here is my idea.

Every year our daughters school does a silent auction so I am going to donate one to the school for the auction and put a pic of it in the book not just friends which he is procrastinating reading ( he has read other books I have asked him to) that says ps 4 donated by (his name) in loving memory of ( his grandmother) and wait to see his response. Then eventually tell him there is another one that is his after her reads the book.


gahurts posted 12/20/2013 15:23 PM

That sounds fairly reasonable to me. Nothing wrong with a little incentive to get him to follow through IMO.

broken <3 posted 12/20/2013 16:47 PM

Or you can give it to me? It would go to a good home. LoL I'm kidding of course!

Holly-Isis posted 12/20/2013 17:02 PM

Hmm. Maybe wait till he reads the book, finds the pic and let him discover the other one on his own.

Telling him is too nice.

Completelybroken posted 12/22/2013 00:08 AM

What's sad is that I'm worried I will hurt his feelings. Yet he obviously didn't care about mine.

~sigh~ how did I become this person that comes up with mean ways to give a present?

karmahappens posted 12/22/2013 00:28 AM

You think you should have to reward him for doing what he should do in order to R/

I think he should be jumping through hoops...period.

Don't beg or bribe him to do what's right. If he can't handle doing the right things for a few lousy months how will he handle a long term, healthy marriage?

IMO rewards are not given for helping your spouse heal from the damage created by an A.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 12:34 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)]

Completelybroken posted 12/22/2013 00:38 AM

Karma- your right he shouldn't get rewarded..... Maybe I will just smash it to bits

karmahappens posted 12/22/2013 01:24 AM

Maybe I will just smash it to bits

Well that's cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Donate or return them, the money shouldn't be wasted, even if you are feeling pissed off...kwim?

If you need to smash something get some old plates and a garbage can and go out back

If he is doing things right he will get there, just let him get there on his own, you don't have to make things easier for him. Part of his healing is dealing with the fallout from the A, let him feel it. Don't soften it for him.


[This message edited by karmahappens at 1:25 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)]

absolut posted 12/22/2013 11:10 AM

jmo, either donate or return them. Both of them. Lots of people would love to have either the PS4's or the money, I know many single moms and married couples that struggle, so please don't smash them. It's not worth physically exerting yourself over anyway. I also think, again jmo, that is a very generous gift for a husband that just 5 months ago you found out was unfaithful, even if he has done "everything right." He should be happy with a card and some bundt cake. And again jmo but a PS4 is not appropriate for a married man, part of the reason for cheating these days is the whole Peter Pan thing. He's married he doesn't need a PS4.

As far as the book? He should have read it already. It's actually a really good book. I'm divorced and I read it just to help me clarify my own expectations in regards to boundaries for the future. It's not a calculus textbook, it's fairly light reading. DO NOT bribe your husband with a playstation to get him to read a book about boundaries in marriage. You should not be convincing him to do anything.

solus sto posted 12/22/2013 11:56 AM

Yes, definitely donate one to the auction.

I'd donate the other to a needy child. The auction will provide a privileged child whose parents attend the auction with another Christmas present under the tree. But there are kids who don't have trees or presents on Christmas.

I don't like the idea of putting the picture in the book. First, if he's not reading, he's not GOING to read. Secondly, gift-giving should be no-strings-attached.

That said, if you're not FEELING it, you are not obligated to give him something big.

I'd be inclined to tell him, "I want to make this holiday more meaningful than it feels, to me, right now. I'd like to pick a child from an Angel Tree, and make his or her Christmas wonderful."

And then, I'd ask him to help me pick a child in the right age group to love the PS 4---and give it to him or her, along with other things to make that child's Christmas extra-special.

I think this could help promote positive feelings both for you AND for your husband.

Who, I'd like to gently point out, has NOT

been faithful since
he cheated on you five years ago.

Your husband LIED to you each and every time he looked at you, talked to you, had sex with you, put on socks you'd washed, and ate the dinner you cooked. For five years. With that lie between you, there wasn't a moment of fidelity.

I don't say this to be unkind. I say it because it is something he will have to acknowledge and address if you are to reconcile.

This is not a "Not Just Friends" issue (though the book is valuable for everyone), I don't think. I think it's much more an avoidance of intimacy issue. He erected a wall between you, with his lies. The why for THAT is what I'd want him to explore.

Is he showing any inclination to do the necessary hard work on himself?

[This message edited by solus sto at 12:04 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)]

Completelybroken posted 12/22/2013 13:37 PM

Ok so I won't smash it to bits- I will find something less valuable.

He has done work himself- shows up to all marriage counseling doesn't go out with friends no more female friends period. I have all passwords to everything. Gives me time to just go away fro a bit while he watches the kids. As I said before I've used vars pulled phone records and done computer phone forensics and everything checks out

I still don't trust him- lies of omission are something we are working on - he says he gave me 5 years of fidelity I told him that doesn't mean shit he gave me five years of lies. It is something that is coming slow but with the MC he is starting to understand.

We sit down twice a week for about an hour and I write questions and he writes responses including the gory details I need. He has changed jobs, tells me everything and He has read two books- I still don't feel like it's enough but I have a psychiatrist telling me he is doing what he should to R . A PHD MC tells me the same thing- he is a certified marriage counselor specializing in infidelity and sex therapist. My IC tells me the same and my church support minister tells me that as well.

I dunno maybe it's just to soon but I am in no way ready to forgive- and am coming to realize it just might be a deal breaker. But maybe it's just the christmas season has me sad especially since I got him something so nice before I knew. I went and bought a bunch of old navy $5 t shirts maybe that's what I will give him.

But your right the point of a present is to give without expecting anything in return.

I hate how much this situation has turned me into a vindictive manipulative bitch.

StillStanding1 posted 12/22/2013 14:39 PM

I was at Walmart yesterday getting candy for
the stockings... The have little red bags with "coal" that says "you've been naughty". I really had to restrain myself.

I vote the PS4 goes to a needy child. It will give you joy each time you think about it!

dameia posted 12/22/2013 23:01 PM

I think you should go with your first idea....donate one to the silent auction and let him sweat it out until Christmas when you give him the second one.

I also found out five years after my WH had his last A. He started right after we got M so essentially our entire M was one big lie.

But, when Christmas rolled around I still got him nice, thoughtful gifts. Why? Because that's who I am. Yes I was still pissed, hurt, devastated really, but I chose to be the person who I am...a kind, thoughtful, loving person. I didn't want him to change that part of me. Of course he did, but fake it till you make it, right?

Completelybroken posted 12/23/2013 19:46 PM

Dameia- that's what I hate most of all about this- I always do my Xmas shopping very really bc I like to give thoughtful generous gifts. Now all I have in me is be mean and spiteful because it is what I am feeling

I had to " fake it till I make it " through grad school for two years then a shitty ass job for three years. Six months ago was the first time I have been able to relax. His revelation has destroyed me. I have nothing left in me. It is just to much effort to be nice and kind to people I don't want to be- I manage through work ( so I can keep my job that I love and worked so hard to get) by the time I get home I'm just done.
I hate feeling this way- I am not a mean person by nature but I feel like I have to bite my tongue constantly not to make mean comments and 85% of the time I manage to.

But dammit I still don't know what to do with the other PS 4!!
.....bah humbug..

Completelybroken posted 12/24/2013 12:59 PM

So as of right now I am donating the one, will keep the other one for a bit- his bday is in April and give him a stupid coffe maker that I got on sale for $80.

I may not even tell him about the donated one- just let him see it at the action next month.

Will christmas just be over already?

nowiknow23 posted 12/24/2013 13:10 PM

((((completelybroken)))) Hang in there, honey.

notquiteoverit posted 12/24/2013 13:17 PM

I'll try to be gentle here. You are dealing with him the same way one would a child. But, he is an adult and needs to behave like one. You should not have to bribe him to read Not Just Friends. He should understand in no uncertain terms that this is a condition of being allowed to remain married to you. YOU are the prize, not the PS4. As for the 2nd PS4, donate that too. There is someone in need out there who will appreciate it.

pointofnoreturn posted 12/24/2013 15:28 PM

Hey, adults can like video games! And they can be a valid art form rabblerabblerabble...

...that aside, I will have to agree that bribing him with a PS4 is treating him like a child. If he wants you, he needs to do the work for you. The least he can do is read that book for you. I'd maybe donate one and hold on to the second one for a little longer. Give it to him when you feel like he's earned it, but don't let him know you have one. That way you know the work he puts in is real and not just to get a shiny piece of hardware.

karmahappens posted 12/24/2013 15:48 PM

Give it to him when you feel like he's earned it

I am sorry...Why is there a need to reward him for doing what he should be doing?
His reward? Getting to see his family everyday. A wife that didn't kick his ass out the moment she found out about his affair. Not losing half of everythng he owns. Being given the opportunity to prove he is the man she married, a good, honest, worthy person.

As adults I thought we were supposed to act like adults?

Earn it my ass, how about just let him step up and act like a man!!!

Completelybroken posted 12/24/2013 16:41 PM

I think that's what pisses me off so much I've spent half the day telling my 2 yo and 5 yo the need to be good so Santa will come. Everytime I get onto them I just think I don't give a fuck it was 5 years ago and you are doing lots of work. You messed up and you should fix it. I'm sick of being the ADULT in the relationship- ur six years older than me for gods sake why do I have to decide if you've been "good enough" for a present.

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