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KBeguile posted 12/20/2013 19:44 PM

Heart was leading me through the valley the other night, especially asking the "why?" question we WSes seem to get so often. This time, however, was different. I had another breakthrough, and I wanted to share it in case it helps anyone else to see their own "why?" or the "why?" of their WS.

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I was behaving as a child when I first met Heart. It was a blossoming young romance, but I was handling it immaturely. I continued to be immature for a long time afterward, wanting all the attention in social gatherings to be on me, and definitely wanting to be pampered and treated like an idolized child at home. I even grumped about working or doing chores, and was very whiny besides.

When I met my boss at USDA, she must have sensed this about me ... the inner child longing to be the center of the universe and be idolized and pampered, because she did it. She did it so well that I all but severed ties with Heart to move Heaven and Earth for this OW: the "mother" I never had.

And this OW did nothing but encourage me: to devote more to my job, to devote more to my friends, and to devote LESS to Heart who wasn't appreciative (in her opinion). And I stupidly and childishly listened. I let myself get wrapped around her finger because I wasn't confident enough to be my own person.

I could have stopped it all at any time, but I was too cowed and doubtful of myself to do so ... all thanks to my immaturity and inability to admit to myself that I wasn't perfect.

NOW, though, I rarely complain about work and never complain about chores. I yearn for family time and I enjoy spending weekends at home. I almost never feel the need to spend time with anyone other than Heart, and it's all to do with me pushing past the inner child stage and really moving into adulthood.

It's helped me with the confidence to stand my ground, to set boundaries, and to be independent. It's allowed me the moral ground to punish my child for disobedience, rather than letting him get away with anything he wants simply because I'm weak-willed.

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I don't know if my story helps anyone find solutions or peace, but here it is. Perhaps you or someone you love fits the "child" profile; if so, maybe something in my story can help you shake them out of it.

Thank you for reading.

gotmylifeback posted 12/20/2013 21:09 PM

Thank you for sharing. Its great that you are seeing this about yourself. Before I found out about exwife's A, I was in IC to work on myself. I also was meeting with one of my pastors. Those meetings really helped change my perspective towards my wife. I too felt like a child when she gave me chores to do. I whined when she wanted a back or foot rub. I realized that I didnt have to do those things, but instead my attitude changed to I get to do these things for her. I get to rub her back. I get to take her shopping and pick out a new outfit.

And especially since we are now divorced, I can look back and see the many missed opportunities I had. It took me a while to not blame myself about this as a reason for her A. So, keep up the hard work. Im sure heart appreciates it.

BaxtersBFF posted 12/21/2013 06:34 AM

Hey Kb,

Why was the inner child voice so loud back then? What are you doing now to keep more of a balance?

KBeguile posted 12/21/2013 08:41 AM

BaxtersBFF:

That's easy. Part of it was confronting the beast of my Narcissistic Tendencies. Once that was overhauled and put into proper perspective, it was all a matter of personal re-evaluation. Do I want to be that guy? Is that how I want to behave? How I want the world to see me?

I started taking responsibility for everything around the house, and developed good habits about noticing when different chores needed to be done.

Plus, being free of people who treated me as a child helped break the reinforcement.