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nevergiveup10 posted 12/20/2013 20:27 PM

My BS was drinking pretty heavily with a close friend pretty frequently after DDay. I didn't really know where it lead as her and I were still on the outs. Now we are on the mend and much closer, and I have come to notice something very troublesome. After a couple drinks with friends, we all go our separate ways and go home. My BS will typically not go home to put our kids to bed as she states when shes leaving, rather she will find another drinking buddy to hang with. Next thing I know our nanny is calling me asking when one of us will be there. (We are currently not living together.) I call / text no reply and eventually she will respond, sometimes...

I am very concerned, in speaking with my Uncle who is a recovering alcoholic, he says its pretty typical behavior. When she gets a few in her its like f everyone else, Im gonna do what I want.

This reared its head tonight, I was upset but feel it was ok to be. She said "let me have my own life". That's great, I'm all for it but we all still have responsibilities. This has happened enough times where I feel my concerns are real and a loving/concerned conversation warranted.

Any advice?

mof2 posted 12/20/2013 21:51 PM

As a BS, I understand this. After my XH left, I suffered so much pain that I tried to numb it the same way. Did she drink that way before? I can only speak as one who has been betrayed and it is very intense pain and when you can actually FEEL the pain inside, you tend to do anything you can to numb it. Sadly enough that includes drinking. She is confused and on her own journey as well. Just be understanding of that. Don't blame her or get at mad at her. The best thing you can do is be there for her through it and try to get her help, but MAINLY protect your kids.

JustDesserts posted 12/20/2013 23:24 PM

Being a Wayward doesn't mean you aren't allowed to be upset, concerned, angry, and even feeling "betrayed" by your BS's unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I am not comparing the betrayal of infidelity to "betrayal by alcohol", but it might be helpful to look at her poor coping choices and boundaries as that. Maybe, maybe not. When she says "let me have my own life" she sounds like a wayward in the fog. Is alcohol her revenge affair?

I cannot imagine her pain at your betrayal. I'm not a BS. I am, however, a long term recovery alcoholic & addict, and from your description of her behavior you have every right to be concerned. Very concerned.

It's a thin line she's dancing on, and may have already crossed.

These thoughts are IMHO and YMMV and I'm not diminishing her BS pain. I'm questioning her recovery approach. Unhealthy at the very least.

Wishing you the best. A professional assessment and intervention might be warranted. The fog of alcohol abuse quite literally can kill.


nevergiveup10 posted 12/21/2013 12:02 PM

Thank you both. I think there is truth to what both of you wrote. She did drink before, but not nearly as frequently as she does now. She has always had a problem not taking that "last drink". She admits she doesn't know when to stop, she just wants the party to keep going.

She said she is concerned about it, but really does nothing to change it. Honestly though, she has made alot of progress in her healing, self understanding and approach to us in regards to my A. I feel very lucky that we are where we are, a work in progress as she says.

As far as the revenge affair theory, she had a real one. Though she was clear we were not together, but I know opinions differ on that. She ended it, and I think that has added to her pain. On top of that she recently had a falling out with her BFF, who did something pretty despicable to us and our family. Now her BFF was someone she would drink with quite a lot and was enabling some pretty bad decisions. It sucks, but I wasn't heart broken about it.

So, she recently lost 2 people close to her that she used for support. She is admittedly scared about relying mainly on me now for support, which I completely understand.

I know I need to suck it up for the devastation I caused her, but this is one area where I am really struggling. I lost my cool last night when I should have backed away from the situation and talked about it today. We argued this morning, but eventually cooler heads prevailed and we came together and talked about what happened. I am so lucky she is in my life and loves me. She owes me nothing but still gives ground when we need it.

I am struggling with my approach to this that wont put her on the defensive or disrupt any of the progress we have made as a couple.

kate0421 posted 12/21/2013 13:34 PM

Im sorry this is happening, but as a BS I can understand her approach. To be honest if I wasnt a SAHM and my WS didnt work almost 60hrs a week, I would probably be in the same situation as your BS. There are times when I feel soo much pain and just wish I had someone to watch my kids so i can just be alone, amd numb my pain ( i am aware this is a very unhealthy way of dealing with pain ) but in the moment its like I dont care because the pain feels so unbearable , Ive personally dealt with suicidal thoughts too, so at that point alcohol isn't really much of a threat. When I do get out of the house I take adcantage of it, and I find myself not wanting to go home, not because I dont love our kids but because the reality and pain can hit me right when i pull into the driveway
. And I cant speak for your BS but I have also said to my WS to let me have my own life or just be me.. And for me it actually stems from feeling lost with myself and not knowing who i am as a person. I devoted almost 10yrs to my WS and from a young age... So after DDay I feel like Ive lost everything about myself, and just desperately want to figure it out. Not all the time, just part of my emotional rollercoaster.

I do think its a good thing that you are concerned. Although its hard to approach, when my WS tells me his concerns i use to feel controlled or that he was trying to control me and then it would get way out of hand with both of our emotions and always turn into a argument. What we have done is make up our own " safe word " so whenever we would start to get into our own defensiveness and one of us say "the word" it means to us " i love you and we can come back to this conversation after we get our emotions under control" it usually ends with him holding and hugging me. This works so great for us because its not like he is ignoring me or the conversation, but i feel loved and cared for.
Just do whatever you can to be there for her. Maybe there is something you guys can come up with for the " moments" when the conversations start to get heated. Let her decide how and what to use.

painfulpast posted 12/21/2013 15:12 PM

I'm a BS, and I understand what she's doing. For me, it was pills. I bet from DDay to about a year ago (2 years) I spent about $50k on pills. It numbed everything. It made the hurt not so intense. It was an escape from a living waking nightmare. I got help, but I wouldn't even listen to anyone say I had a problem, and then when I admitted I did have an issue, I lied about it for another year.

After a couple drinks with friends, we all go our separate ways and go home.

In this quote, you write 'we all go our separate ways'. When you say 'we' I assume you're there too. I suggest, if you know your wife doesn't know when to say when, and you are concerned, you stop going on these outings. Find other things for you and BS to do. You really can't ask her to stop overdoing it. You really need her to stop doing it. Once that door is open, there's no shutting it.

I hope you and she are able to find common ground before things get out of hand for her, I sincerely do. I've lived it, and it's not fun.

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