"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"
Good morning everyone!
I am up very early again but this is nothing new. I fell asleep at 5:30pm until 8:30 then back asleep by 10 until 3. I think that may be a record! No nightmares!
My head keeps coming up with new questions but I answer myself with, "I just don't care anymore". It's true. Every quality that I loved about him is not true, it was all a fašade. Sure cannot love a fašade. When my heart gets that ache, I miss him, the rational is taking over, "no you don't, you only miss who you thought he was". It's kind of funny to realize that I really don't want him back, I want him gone from my life.
He pretty much is now. Just some stuff that has to be gotten rid of. The divorce that needs to be taken care of and in his words, "it's just a piece of paper".
I have plans for Christmas eve, my sons and granddaughter for dinner. Christmas day I am going with a friend to her families house and then to visit my sister and another friend.
As for stbxwh, he is living in a fleabag motel, saw it on his bank account. Maybe alone,maybe not, it's irrelevant to me.
He did not pick up his stuff. My son came over and we put it into garbage bags and into the garage with the clinging snow.
I had called the police for info and they told me not to leave it there as he could press charges against me but that putting it in the garage was fine.
He texted me yesterday, "please bring my stuff in. everyone already knows I am scum, you have made your point". Poor baby, feeling so ashamed.
His plans for Christmas, eve going to his brothers with all of his family, that have been so supportive of me through this whole year, knowing what he did, again. Knowing that he has been lying not just to me but to them also. I made sure they all know and how long it's been going on.
On Dec 28th, family vacation, his family a week in St. Thomas. He gets to stay in a rental house with his mother and sisters and brother in laws. His embarrassment is already packed, the one thing I packed for him, wouldn't want him to forget it.
Another piece to all this is that my mother in law and father in law are divorcing. Fifty plus years. He knocked her down and she broke her arm. He is also having an affair. I am thinking that mom might have a "bit" of anger.
My last conversation with mother in law yesterday. "honey there is something missing in them. You will be fine. Some man is going to come along and scoop you up and love you to pieces", that from my mother in law.
It really is easier this time and different. I am different. I didn't get too sad. Last time I was so broken, I felt like there was something wrong with me. I felt like I was not good enough and he found someone better.
Now, seeing how easy it is for him to find something new they both are irrelevant. They don't mean anything to him, he is just looking for that ego stroking. So, it's not that I am not enough, he is not enough, I am too much for him. I am too good for him. He just doesn't know how to handle a real woman, he is afraid. I show up his deficiencies.
I have grown so much in myself this year. I value me in a very real way that I never could before. I have standards and expectations! He couldn't meet them and I had really already decided I was done so that helps too.
What got me so angry was thinking about the months of effort on my part. I knew in my gut that he was not all in, I could feel it. Now that I know why, it all makes sense. I was driving myself crazy trying to understand what was wrong. He was lying to everyone, even his therapist.
So, I am looking forward to my new life. It still hurts but not nearly like it did last year. It's more of a sadness about having been "taken in" than that heart wrench feeling of abandonment and loss of love. Can't lose what you never had.
It will take some time to build a new life. I am already taking steps for that. I neglected my life, what was important to me, never again.
I just really do feel okay. It isn't what I wanted nor expected for my life but the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Now it is time for different actions! My insanity is over.
He on the other hand is still behaving insanely. When I was so angry the other night and he was packing, I was screaming every ugly thing I thought about him. In a moment of calm, I looked at him and said, "you should come with a warning label on your forehead". The look on his face was priceless. It is still making me laugh.
I will be good, not just okay but good. I feel it, not just think it but feel it. That is good.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
I attempted R, he was a lie