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For those who have been in NB for a while, when?

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MakingLemonade posted 12/21/2013 14:57 PM

I am relatively new to this site and have spent most of my time in JFO and General. In the spring, I learned I have spent 6 years in false R. I divorced him ASAP (because there was no true remorse or repentance and I refused to settle this time) which was 6 months ago.

Whenever my mind is idle, it goes to the chaos of XWS. But I want to be in NB more, focusing on my positive present and future. It took 2 years (with over a year of IC and a year of MC) for me to feel I had moved beyond Dday#1. When will that happen this time? Am I expecting too much too soon?

suckstobeme posted 12/21/2013 15:37 PM

It's taken me a long time and I'm not totally there yet. It's been a little over three years and my mind still sometimes takes me back to where I don't want to go. I still go to IC, not so much to talk about what happened, but to learn more about myself, why I was so attracted to a complete narcissist, why I settled for so little in my marriage, and how to parent my children with what we like to call a "lower muppet" around these parts.

I'm not full of sadness or sorrow every day anymore. I can hear about xwh and the slunt without wanting to puke up a lung, I don't cry nearly as much, I've weeded out all negative people in my life and surround myself with only good, safe people these days. I still struggle with being a single mom, but am learning to embrace that role more and try to remember that things can always be a lot worse. So, I guess there's been some progress.

There is no way, unfortunately, of getting around the fact that this is a significant trauma. I can't even imagine having it happen once, rebuilding trust, believing in him again, and having him rip the rug out with the same bullshit 6 years later. I can imagine the anger would increase ten fold, but so would the hurt. The level of betrayal is so hard to wrap your head around.

What I've learned is that NB is all about baby steps, healing, growing, grieving, and making the rest of your life look the way you want. Dating can be a part of that when you're ready. But, it's so much more than that. People here do all sorts of things, big and small, and we all celebrate the big and small triumphs. People go back to school, change jobs, switch careers, relocate, take up new hobbies and resurrect old, redecorate, paint, take a class, travel, volunteer, read, join a gym, etc., etc.

This pain will fade, but I think it will always leave a scar. It will always be something that you survived, but, in time, the role it plays in your life will diminish more and more.

Don't rush through it. Process, breathe, and focus on your healing. It will happen.

damncutekitty posted 12/21/2013 15:42 PM

It's different for everyone. Some people are happily remarried after a year and go on with their lives. I spent the first few years after my D trying to avoid my pain with partying and self medicating and ended up in a psych ward on the 4 year d-day aniversary. (I eventually got help)

tesla posted 12/22/2013 09:17 AM


Sometimes I feel that I'm strongly in my NB. Sometimes I feel pulled back. I don't always feel like I can post in this forum, either. Like I'm just not quite ready to let go of the D/S stage??

It is baby steps and clearly different for everyone.

I guess I don't want to force my I'm kinda taking it passively.

ladies_first posted 12/22/2013 09:36 AM

Whenever my mind is idle, it goes to the chaos of XWS.

Read up on behavior modification. It's not just a matter of stopping the old, negative behavior; you also have to introduce a new, positive behavior.

Since you're already self-aware, it shouldn't be too difficult.

inconnu posted 12/22/2013 09:51 AM

The way I saw it, I didn't have to be fully over ex and what had happened to say I was in NB. For me, my NB started when I started focusing on me and what the future held for me. It didn't mean I didn't sometimes go backwards. It did mean I was looking forwards, and taking a lot of my steps in that direction.

It's a journey. We each get there when we get there, and sometimes we get there without realizing it. We look back and see how far we've come, and it's like "damn, I did good!"

For most of us, we have to learn to crawl before we learn to walk. And when we learn to walk, we take lots & lots of baby steps. It's okay, though. Those baby steps take us closer to where we need to be, even if it seems to take longer than we want it to.

FaithFool posted 12/22/2013 12:37 PM

Hey, ML, six years of false R is a mindfuck. Pure and simple.

Twenty years of marriage was a lie for me, huge mindfuck but no false R because I divorced him after I hit the anger stage at six months.

We separated in the spring of 2009, and for most of that year, 2010 and 2011, my mind continued to spend a lot of time revisiting that awful room in my head, the one where I relived the months after discovery over and over and over again.

I couldn't bring myself to lock that damn door. The room just kept calling me, and I kept going there.

Last spring I realized that a lot of that had to do with where I was living. I'd bought an apartment in the building where we were living when everything went down. We moved into the tainted dream house shortly after that, but I moved back to the building after I sold the damn thing.

After having an incredibly vivid dream one night, I decided to sell my place and move to this dreamy heritage rental I found on Craigslist the next day.


It took me most of the summer to close and lock that fucking door, because a lot of my emotions were bundled up with the fact of my mom dying in the midst of it all, but I believe now it's boarded up for good.

I can still review the images of what I went through in that room, but they're fading and they don't make me cry anymore.

You'll get there. It takes tears and it takes time.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 12:39 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)]

MakingLemonade posted 12/23/2013 15:01 PM

Thank you for your replies. Prepping for the holidays and engaging my mind for a job interview request (Really? You want me to write a paper on my motivational interview technique?) has given me a much needed break from thinking of X's chaos for the past few days. Gives me hope it will lessen over time as my life continues to revolve away from him as well as your experience of moving beyond this.

Thank you for also acknowledging the "significant trauma" and "mindf*ck" this crazy situation is. No one else gets that, but then again, few know the depth of hell my X has put me and our kids through. X is way to charming and engaging to be such a crazy-a** sh*t!

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