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4better4worse posted 12/21/2013 17:18 PM

My H had a 2 week EA that began at a work event where co worker got drunk, they danced and next day began a texting relationship. They met after work briefly two times. Mostly commiserating about their (supposed) miserable marriages, had "feelings' for each other but my H has a conscious and would not let things progress. He told me right as I was figuring out something was wrong--he felt very guilty and needed to tell me, we talked and opened up communications, trying to figure out why/how this happened. He said that he missed the way we "were" and in the process of this painful betrayal we both have rediscovered our relationship and are doing very well now. He is totally remorseful, transparent, doing everything he can to make sure I feel good about us. He said I will never have to worry about this ever again, he is once more the person I fell in love with many years ago. This made us both realize how much we do love each other.

After reading many other stories here, I realize I am very lucky in that the way things unfolded in our case, it was stopped before it could get worse. I do feel very lucky that my husband loved me enough to realize what he was doing was wrong. However, not to excuse him but she was totally predatory and initiated the first move and she was the one who initiated phone and texting. I found a week worth of back and forth texts on our phone record. I do not know the content of those texts, only that my WH agreed that they were inappropriate and flirty. Our relationship had gotten to the point we were taking each other for granted and had built up resentments about things that we should have talked about. He let that set the stage for opening up to another woman. I do feel her M.O. was to try and steal him because her marriage is in shambles. He wrote her a NC letter that I approved of, even told her I forgive her (which I do) I believe that forgiveness is necessary for me to move on and not hold anger towards another person (my personal religious belief). Anyway, I did go through many of the things I read about here-- the feeling of betrayal, the weight loss, feeling anxious, etc. I have already gotten through many of the stages and I credit that to how much my WH has assured me of his love and building my trust again.

[This message edited by 4better4worse at 5:42 PM, December 21st (Saturday)]

devistatedmom posted 12/21/2013 18:44 PM

4betterorworse, I'm glad things are going well, and he is being open and remorseful. I do want to give you one caution though..please don't just rugsweep it now. He can tell you he's never going to do it again, but I'd insist on some IC.

You are owning too much of it. Yes, relationships hit points where you "take each other for granted" but that's not an ok excuse for him to cheat. What happens when you hit one of those points again?

My XH had an EA in 2002, and wanted to leave me to go to her. His parents found out, so he had to tell me as they were on their way over. They blasted him, he saw the mistake he was making, he was remorseful, stopped contact with her, we swept it under the rug. I didn't believe he would EVER do it again after he saw what it did to me, his parents, and our children.

7 years later, he did walk out on me for a different OW. My kids and I have been through hell and back.

I just see too much of me in your story. I'm happy if things work for you in R, I'd just make sure he gets some IC, because he needs to figure out what HIS issues are, because they WILL come up again.

Skan posted 12/22/2013 13:35 PM

Hey there. I'm really glad that things seem to be going so well, but I have to second ^^^^ the above.

Both of you were in the same marriage. Both of you undoubtedly had places in your marriage where you felt a lack. Both of you had built up resentments. But only one of you chose to include another person into your marriage. Predatory or not, he didn't make a mistake by accidently texting her, it wasn't an oopsie that he met with her. He made a deliberate choice to do so. He decided each time, that he would contact her and meet with her, knowing that it was inappropriate. You didn't chose to do something like this. He, however, did. And he needs to figure out what in his belief system led him to think that this was an OK thing to do.

It's very, very encouraging that he came to you with it. It really is. This puts the two of you, IMO, way down the healing line from the vast majority of us and I'm truly happy about that. But you cannot just rugsweep, do the happy dance, and waltz off into a golden rainbow. You really do need to both get to the bottom of why this happened and how to be open and transparent to each other so you are not coming back to this site in a few years. I would highly encourage both of you to read Not "Just Friends' by Shirley Glass. It seems an ideal book for your situation and points out how easy it can be to let boundaries be violated.

Come back whenever you need to, for support!

4better4worse posted 12/22/2013 18:00 PM

Thank you for your replies. I do agree with what you are both saying! In reading the way I wrote my story as if it is all tied up in a bow-- I do not mean that at all. The way it all happened, I wish I could explain in a way that conveys it in the context that I see it. Call it serendipity-- or answer to my prayers-- but the day prior when I was in church, almost everything that was said in the readings and the homily were all pointing to me understanding my marriage in the context of it being a Sacrament. I know that it wouldn't make sense unless the reader is Catholic and that part is just too hard for me to put in words. That Sunday, as it happens, a visiting priest whose specialty is counseling married couples was introducing a two day seminar the following week. I planned on going by myself as my H was visiting at his brother's house. I figured I would go and share what I learned and/or apply what I learned when trying to work things out with him. Anyway, I felt like I was being told that my faith was being tested and to hang on, wait-- let God work in the unexpected ways that He does best. It turns out that my H came home early to talk with me and I told him about this, he agreed to go, he said that from now on he will do ANYTHING I ask. We went and it was literally like Jesus was standing there counseling us, as if we were the only two in the room (there were many married couples there, in all stages of life). Literally everything that was said those two days was exactly what we needed to hear and was the key to everything we were doing wrong!! Those two days were worth many "regular" counseling sessions. Since that day, we have found our relationship in a place it has truly never been. We have always loved each other, but now things are 100 percent better, more than better! One thing the priest told us that makes perfect sense to me now is, "If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change!" We were both looking at things wrong-- and both doing things that were counter productive to healing our relationship.

Another thing that I found absolutely amazing was the clarity with which my husband knew in his heart so many things wrong in our relationship were not me like he thought but were him. He told me that he was shown and felt my pain the way I felt it, not from his perspective but mine, it was like a total lightning bolt realization on his part, which caused his walls to come down and in turn, let me able to feel I could let mine down too. It truly was a spiritual occurrence that could only have come in my opinion, as a direct answer to both our prayers!

The book the priest wrote details many of the things that he said over the two days that ministered to our broken hearts and helped us on the road to begin healing. (if anyone wants the info on that they can ask me through private message) Those two days were worth their weight in gold. Love is a DECISION!! We decide to love our partner even when we don't feel like it. Yes I do realize my husband made some pretty poor decisions and he is the first to admit that he did, he feels awful and I can see that he truly did regret his actions. We do have some work to do, I did not want to make it sound at all like I was rugsweeping-- although I do feel so very fortunate for his realization and moment of clarity he says he will never forget. I'm not saying we are through it all, but I do know without a doubt that without all the things that happened in the way they did, we would not be in this place today. I wish I could explain it better but that is the best I can do. I have a husband who wants to be the best husband for me, he is remorseful, he is committed, transparent, will do anything and has been showing me with his actions and conviction that he does mean it.

I plan on staying here and reading/supporting this new community I find myself a part of, all our stories are so different, yet similar in many ways. Thank you for your replies, I do appreciate all your feedback!

annb posted 12/22/2013 19:32 PM

Hi, just want to welcome you to SI.

Please understand that forgiveness and trust are earned.

Does your husband still work with the OW?

Sounds like you are starting the healing process, and I really don't want to dampen the progress you are making, but understand healing takes time. Please do not take the pollyanna approach. Doesn't work.

It will be his ACTIONS that speak volumes, do not rugsweep his emotional affair, it is soooo easy to take the A underground.

At this point in time, IMO your husband needs to stay away from work events. The co-worker was drunk, was he? Totally inappriate on all levels.

Infidelity happens in the best of marriages and worst of marriages....love is not a factor, getting validated and your ego stroked and enjoying the fantasy is.

Just want you to be cautious....I agree with Skan, Not Just Friends is a must read.

[This message edited by annb at 7:33 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)]

4better4worse posted 12/22/2013 22:22 PM

Thank you Ann for the welcome. No Pollyanna here--- I do feel we are moving in the right direction. I have been reading here for a few weeks before posting my story. I guess I live in a bubble but I had no idea the magnitude of infidelity in the lives of people every single day. It makes me sad to think that so many people are going through similar and worse scenarios. This whole experience has been an eye opener for me.

karmahappens posted 12/23/2013 01:06 AM

Hey 4 better

Welcome to SI. This is one of the safest,most loving spots you will find online IMO. The support is wonderful and people here care about each others' well-being.

Many of us have gone through years of re-building, some have had to deal with spouses that don't get it and others have had their spouses not able to R. Every scenario can probably be found somewhere lurking on SI

Your husband sounds as though he caught this before it was able to go anywhere and appears truly sorry for what did happen.

Many times a WS will make things appear much less than they were, they do and say the right things so a BS will stop looking and immediately trust R is happening.

Very few WS's get it immediately, confess and fix their stuff ASAP, so you may get lots of questions and what appears to be doubt from folks here. The questions and doubts come from many people that have traveled this road before you, they will bring their experience with their questions. Their advice is based on their life experiences. So take what you can use and leave the rest. Ultimately we all share the same goal, to heal ourselves and go forward with the life we know is best for us and our situation, be it R or D.

So ...here come my questions

My H had a 2 week EA that began at a work event where co worker got drunk, they danced and next day began a texting relationship.

They didn't meet at this event, correct? How often do these events happen and in what capacity did he work with her? Does he still work with her? Do they email each other at work?

What does he claim was their relationship like prior to this "dance"

I ask because this

They met after work briefly two times. Mostly commiserating about their (supposed) miserable marriages, had "feelings' for each other but my H has a conscious and would not let things progress.

They shared a dance, started texting and had feelings for each other within this brief period? It makes me believe there had been flirting prior to the dance and some type of contact that was not cell-phone based.

When they met where was it and where did he tell you he was?

He said that he missed the way we "were"

Do you realize this is an excuse and is not a valid reason for an affair (not that there is one) You probably missed the old you too, the old couple. Did you seek companionship outside of the marriage?

He needs to find out what was lacking in himself to allow himself the OK to start this "relationship"

I have already gotten through many of the stages and I credit that to how much my WH has assured me of his love and building my trust again.

This definitely sounds like rugsweeping. You have suffered a trauma and have been betrayed, one doesn't bounce back from that in a month. Give yourself time and allow the real feelings to come through. If you don't have any feelings I would really wonder why??

I planned on going by myself as my H was visiting at his brother's house

Your husband was out of town or is his brother local?

Literally everything that was said those two days was exactly what we needed to hear and was the key to everything we were doing wrong!! Those two days were worth many "regular" counseling sessions.

Have you been to regular counseling sessions?

Ok, that's my start lol....It's just things that IMO should be looked at.

If your husband had an affair, an EA, PA whatever, he betrayed you. Along with betrayal comes dishonesty. It hurts, but I would be sure I had at least these questions answered and possibly many more.

I don't like things that make me go hmmmm... It sounds all very convenient for your husband.

I hope he is being honest and is really willing to make things right.

Sorry I was so long winded. I do wish you healing and strength going forward.

(((hugs)))

self-rescuer posted 12/23/2013 07:30 AM

That you are on these boards shows that you understand the magnitude and gravity of infidelity. This is the perfect place to be.

Please know that everyone who reads your story hopes beyond hope that you and your husband have dodged this painful and devastating bullet.

But, since you shared your story, many of us want to share our experiences as well.

You mentioned serendipity and signs. There are few in this forum who cannot point to hopeful signs. And, as a Catholic myself, I understand the power of feeling that a homily was directed specifically to my life. I am glad your faith is strong.

But, this being said, infidelity is tricky and deceitful business. Your situation looks positive and fingers crossed, it is what it seems. Unfortunately, your husband stepped onto the cheating path and now you have no choice to be vigilant and set boundaries you never dreamt you would.

We wish you the best but call you to caution because many of us found ourselves at the place you are now, but ultimately things did not turn out how we had hoped.

Take care of yourself and actively remember your value and worth.

4better4worse posted 12/24/2013 17:11 PM

Karma, to answer some of the questions--

They didn't meet at this event, correct? How often do these events happen and in what capacity did he work with her? Does he still work with her? Do they email each other at work?

They have worked together for a long time-- however, he works in various facilities and does not frequent this one often. They were acquaintances but did not necessarily know each other very well personally.

The work event was a co worker's wedding reception. There were many of his co workers there that he doesn't see often. They do still work together but like I said, the nature of his work they do not have contact. It is a medical surgical facility. I am certain it all began on the night of the reception, and only lasted those two weeks.

He explained to me after that what he said were "feelings" were really his feelings of liking the attention of having someone listen to him, stroke his ego etc. It wasn't true feelings like love or anything. I think that he felt validated by having similar marital issues and they were sharing that kind of information.

He was at his brother's in another state-- at the same time OW was on vacation with her family. Her FB is unlocked and I was able to check so I know she wasn't even in the country. He had planned to be at his brother's that week many months prior. It was a good thing though because that week we were able to take a step back (this is after dday) and I needed space to think and gather myself-- he had many hours on the road to think as well and that is when his moment of clarity happened. He identified the problem as HIS selfishness-- he said he felt like a complete asshole and felt that he had finally understood that all along it was him and not me-- which is what I had tried to tell him as well.

Our communication breakdown all started about four years ago (what I call our rough patch)-- we both had major losses in our family through death and then menopause hit for me-- and well it was a lot for us to deal with. He is also an identical twin, whose twin has recently passed. No excuse for what he did I know but he was in a place of confusion, hurt-- and so was I. We were not communicating well and he was getting very upset not having anyone to talk to (thinking he didn't even have me) It was a case of us both having walls and both not knowing how to approach the other, talk to the other, tell each other what we needed.

I thought maybe he was depressed, or maybe I was-- I don't really know but we weren't ourselves, that is for sure. Prior to that we had a really great marriage/relationship. He is a very kind person and very generous. He would give me the moon and the stars if he could. He recently purchased some high end motorcycles for us to have a fun thing to do together (although I'm still learning how to ride but it has been a fun thing for both of us) He has a great job/income and he loves to buy things for me which I know is one way he shows his love for me. He realizes that he didn't put me first emotionally and he wants to repair the damage and he wants to show me with his actions that he means it.

He seems to be the person I love again, and in turn I am more the old me too. It truly was a one time mistake-- I believe it in my heart that he regrets opening up to someone and telling another person details of our relationship (actually, how is it any different that what I'm doing right now?)

I do understand that everyone here has a unique story, I do know that you mean the best for me when you ask those questions, and I do understand when you all look at me like I'm being unrealistic as to my time frame of healing. I don't have the gut wrenching feeling I had in the beginning. I know that he knows without a doubt that he can't replace me-- he doesn't want to-- he only wanted someone to listen and he realizes that someone should have been me.

I know that I might sound naive but I do think that he will never again allow circumstances or make choices that disrespect me or gives anyone the idea that he would. He said from now on he will be the husband I have always deserved and he wants to make whatever time we have left the best it can be. I do with all my heart believe he means it. I have full access to his phone, his email-- his work email-- bank and credit etc. He said he wants me to look at his phone and I will never see anything inappropriate. He also said that the next time he runs into OW at work-- it will be professional like it always had been prior to those two weeks.

Also, thank you for your kind words, self-rescuer.

[This message edited by 4better4worse at 5:22 PM, December 24th (Tuesday)]

karmahappens posted 12/24/2013 19:54 PM

Thanks 4 better.

I am glad you are able to look and see the reasons why we can be worried for you. So many times someone comes and says the same thing and then that person gets hit by a 2x4 days later. It is gut wrenching.

All we can do is keep our eyes open to the truth and go forward.

I hope your husband and you are able to stay on a solid R path. Good luck and keep healing!!

(((hugs)))

4better4worse posted 12/25/2013 16:27 PM

Thank you Karma! It is so nice being able to come somewhere and know that people understand what you're going through-- I know this must have happened for a reason-- if down the line I can provide guidance and comfort to someone who is hurting because of infidelity, then at least I can find some good in it. I'm sure that is why all of you who have been here so long and are so encouraging and full of wisdom to share are here, to help those who are where you once were. I am so thankful for this place to come and get support and help.

I do have what others have talked about-- the roller coaster effect. While I do believe he's sorry and he is doing everything to make things better-- I have my moments. I think if he could do it once, he could do it again.... not that I really think he would but that it is a possibility when it never was for me before. Yes, something has been taken from us that will never be the same. Still I have hope and things have seemed to be better between us-- I won't turn a blind eye though -- now that this has happened it does tend to make a person suspicious of even the most innocent things doesn't it? The trust, while it can come back, will I'm sure never be what it was before. That is the part I have the most trouble with. He even told me that he felt he caused "irreparable damage". I know we can mend our broken hearts but I also know that there is something that will always be different. It makes me sad but it is what it is.

I thank all those who come here that are further down the road and can help those of us who are new to this and give us valuable advice, hugs, comfort and a shoulder to cry on.