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deena04 posted 12/22/2013 09:19 AM

I have only been married since August. I found out my husband cheated a year and half ago (before we married). We were having problems and he did it once and felt so sick he couldn't go through with it all the way and threw up and came home. I never knew. I found out because I was throwing stuff out and shredding things we don't use anymore and happened to come across correspondence between him and this girl. They apparently only met once and he couldn't finish the act because he realized what he was doing. I feel so hurt and broken and like my life is a lie! He said he figured out quickly that he loves me and never did it again and never will. Is this possible that he really won't and is it possible I can move forward with him? We grew as a couple after that; I just didn't know it happened.

Girlietoo posted 12/22/2013 09:30 AM

It is definitely possible that he won't do it again, but there are no guarantees unfortunately. It sounds like your husband is very remorseful and that is a good thing, but this shouldn't be swept under the rug otherwise whatever led to this in the first place may pop up again in the future.

Repairing a marriage isn't easy but it is possible and I wish you a long, happy future together.

Skan posted 12/22/2013 13:53 PM

Hi there! I'm glad that you came here for support.

It's very possible that this is and will be the only time that this happens. However, I would honestly suggest that you seek MC to get this hashed out. You say that the two of you were having problems and this is what led him to decide to choose to betray you. I used these words very deliberately:

Having problems
Betray you

The two of you had problems in your relationship. He made a decision that he could make himself feel better by finding another woman to screw. This wasn’t a mistake. A mistake is putting on one brown sock and one blue sock and wearing them all day long. This was a choice that he made. At every step of the way, he made a choice, a decision, to contact someone else, to propose that they both have sex, to get to wherever they were going to have sex, to get naked, and to engage in sexual acts, no matter how abbreviated they may have been. At any point in that timeline, he could have made another choice, but he did not. And you were betrayed. He betrayed you every time he made a choice that led him down that road that ended up with him being sexually active with another person.

Thing is, you are always going to have relationship problems. That’s the nature of being married or otherwise committed to another person. Problems will arise. Conflict will happen. Big or small, life is full of irritations and life together can magnify those irritations. You do not want to be back here, on this site, in 2, 4, 10 years because the two of you rugswept this transgression right now. Think of how you feel now. Think of how you would have felt, 5 years from now, with two small children, and found out about this betrayal. I guarantee it would hurt just as much, if not more.

I really do hope that the two of you can get help to figure out why he was able to justify and hide this transgression of your joint boundaries. I would suggest that both of you do some reading, “After the Affair” is a good short read with very practical actions that can be taken immediately. “Not Just Friends” is a great joint read on boundary setting between two people

Come back often for support. We’re all here for you.

Blameitontherain posted 12/22/2013 14:27 PM

What Skan said.

As a betrayed spouse, I would be very worried that once problems arise again(and they will), he may turn to another woman. Something in his thinking is faulty or he would not have made the decision to act out in such a way. Independent counseling will help him figure out why he was able to do it regardless of how far they went. It will also help him develop better coping skills to use.

I want to gently warn you that this may not be all the story. Cheaters tend to downplay and minimize their actions when confronted, especially the first time. There may be more to the story, there may not be. For some reason, cheaters think that giving out the truth in small doses is somehow less hurtful to us. It isn't. It actually hurts a lot more. This is referred as trickle truth (tt) around here.

I know this has got to be upsetting to find out. Everything feels like a lie. You made decisions about your life with only part of the truth. Eat and sleep when you can. Independent counseling may also be beneficial to you or even a trusted close friend just to vent to. Surround yourself with support. Please understand that him cheating has nothing to do with YOU. It is hard to believe but is the truth.

[This message edited by Blameitontherain at 2:27 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)]

kra127 posted 12/22/2013 14:41 PM

The others have already given you good advice. I just wanted to say I'm sorry you are here. I find it interesting he's told you he won't ever do it again in the future. I'd bet every WS would say that but how many would keep that promise?

deena04 posted 12/22/2013 16:05 PM

Thank you all for your help! I have done my "digging" into his emails/texts/computer pics/god knows what else and everything I found suggests he is telling me the truth. He doesn't know I have done this digging either. The emails were from back then 1.5 years ago and he told her he loved me and couldn't do it and sorry he wasted her time trying in the first place. I do love him, but hate this whole deal! I should have elaborated...we are late 30's, blended family, each divorced once before. He divorced when his wife cheated on him. I divorced amicably after a very young marriage. He said he felt lost during that time as we were living together and marriage seemed like the next step. He took a horrible route and said he knew right away that he loved me and only wanted me. Is that weird? It sucks he did it, but said he figured out then and there he wanted only me. He was ill and shaking for days after and wanted to tell me, but couldn't...

nomistakeaboutit posted 12/22/2013 17:35 PM

He divorced when his wife cheated on him.

I think that you and your husband can heal from his betrayal, but it does bother me that he even considered cheating on you after he had felt the pain of betrayal in his first marriage. As others have already suggested, he needs to figure out a few things about himself, with the help of a therapist/counselor that has experience dealing with infidelity, IMO. He needs to understand why he did what he did and needs to learn how to act differently in the future.

Best to you two, as you continue to rebuild.

deena04 posted 12/23/2013 09:37 AM

Thank you all! I do love him, but I feel like I don't know who he is now. If I had known before marriage, I would have left for sure! I was ripped off of that choice. I am really angry today ...sorry!!

deena04 posted 12/25/2013 20:57 PM

Hard day...I love him, but cannot seem to get over my anger and hurt. Is it worth saving a marriage started on lies? I want to but am not sure I can. I don't know how to trust him now.

Girlietoo posted 12/25/2013 21:31 PM

If you love your husband and the two of you are willing to do the hard work then it is definitely possible.

My suggestion is to not make any decisions about your future just yet. Give yourself some time to digest what you just learned then get into therapy ASAP.

All your feelings are perfectly normal- you will be ok.

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