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Newest Member: sassylee (45766)

User Topic: I am in the One Percent?
sideblinded
♀ 41475
Member # 41475
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, not *that* one percent. This one:

After confiding in my doc, a PI, a L, and reading here for weeks now, the consensus is that if your gut/instinct/spidey sense tells you there is infidelity in the marriage, 99% of the time the instinct is correct.

My husband would have me believe I am in the one percent who are incorrect.

I continue to exist in limbo, not knowing if H's years-long porn habit gave way to a series of ONS's, hook-ups, whatever. ANewDay78 - if you are reading this, the keylogger was a great idea but has yielded nothing for me - my H has avoided the computer ever since the tip of the iceberg was revealed in mid-November.

Just getting H to admit to a porn habit going back many years took several conversations. That's it. That's the extent of his truth. I have not revealed how much I know - a mountain of evidence in the hardrive telling me that prior to many of his business trips he went on dating websites, not to mention some gaslighting.

The more I read about trickle-truth I feel certain that it's going to kill me, to be fed little tidbits of information over weeks, months, years, as so many BS's here describe.

My H has agreed to see an IC, but only because I'm insisting on it. I want a polygraph ASAP because I cannot stand where we are at right now. Anyone have experience with this? Can I just hire someone to ask a series of questions and get the truth, completely, and all at once? Because I see no reason for him to come clean, to me or a therapist. If anyone's had experience with hiring a polygraph expert, how accurate do you feel they are? Is this worth pursuing?

He did say yesterday, "I'm afraid it's going to take you years to stop being mad at me." Poor baby. He wants me to pity him because my anger makes him uncomfortable?!?! And, he's not even letting me know ALL of what it is I'm going to be mad about.

Right now, I hate him, my marriage, my life.



Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 51, possible SA.
3 kids, 19, 17, 15
M 21 yrs.

Posts: 59 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Midwest
mchercheur
♀ 37735
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((sideblinded)))
I don't have any experience with polygraphs, but I do think that if you have "that gut feeling", you should trust it. That's how I found out----& how a lot of other BSs here did too.
I think that I found out relatively early on in my WH's PA (otherwise, I am sure that it would have become a LTA) only because I had been cheated on in my first marriage, so I was more hyper alert than someone who had not had that prior experience.
I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I think you should do a hard 180 on him.
Sending you strength.


Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo. PA with COW;
Married 20something years with kids
Trying to R

Posts: 1459 | Registered: Dec 2012
scaredyKat
♀ 25560
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{Sigh} At this point, only he knows the truth. When I found put tidbits it was only a partial truth. It took him 7 years and many hours of therapy, MC, where he lied to the counselor. One day he just answered my same old same old question honestly.

Others have been successful with a polygraph and/or the parking lot before the polygraph confession.

For what it's worth, my SAFWH restricted his actual PAs to two OW he'd known for awhile. His anonymous hookups were lap dances. He says only "legal" ones, gross enough after all. He was also was a huge porn user, internet, idk what he really was into, the little I saw was awful. He used his school issued computer. Smart, right?

I say insist on the polygraph. No way should you be left guessing. In the best case scenario he's porn addict. He STILL needs a CSAT.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 9:22 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)]


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3782 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
NoReGrets
♀ 37902
Member # 37902
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I apologize for the t/j here, SB, but I was wondering very recently about this "gut instinct."

What if the gut is wrong? I know there have been times throughout my life where my gut tells me something, and when I investigate further, I realize it's nothing.

I know it's not the case often with cheating spouses. I know we often read here on SI "Where there is smoke, there is fire." In the case of my recent DDay, the smoke my WSO was smelling was coming from the fire in his own backyard.

SB, again, I apologize for the t/j. However, I do want to offer my condolences. Your H is cruel. It's bad enough that he has and may still be doing what he is, but you're right. To follow up his cheating with TT, gaslighting, and blameshifting are the way worse.

I truly hope your H can come clean and start the healing process and do what's necessary to R, if that is what you even want. Sending many hugs to you this holiday.

(((SB)))


Posts: 140 | Registered: Dec 2012
lostandhopless
♂ 41568
Member # 41568
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My thoughts are thus, just my thoughts so take them as you will.
Do not put your faith in a polygraph, Because they measure a body's response to things. It measures pulse, respiration, Blood pressure, body temp. ect. the problem with this is that you have to feel guilt for it to be accurate. We all know what good lyre's our WS's are and that they have no guilt or remorse, so a polygraph can be easily manipulated. Also the graphs are only one person's interpretation.

I think that it is a good weapon in your arsenal, but don't rely only on it, use it in conjunction with everything else you have at your disposal..


Be careful who you trust. Even your shadow will abandon you when it's dark.....

Divorced 6/13/14


Posts: 118 | Registered: Dec 2013
nomistakeaboutit
♂ 36857
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would insist on a polygraph. He will likely come clean before the actual test. I would let him know that your lawyer has directed you to the best polygraph group in your area, so the god news is that your H and you. Is have a chance to clear the air and move forward.

I'm not an expert on polygraphs, but I'm not sure that guilt is a requirement for them to be useful. Also, even if at is true, your H likely has an adequate amount of subconscious guilt to make it effective.

So, I see it playing out like this:

Q1: is your name xxxxxxx?

Q2: are you xx years old?

Q3: are you married?

Q4: have you ever had sex with another woman, during the time you have been married?

(Here, he will so, "no", of course.)

But, here is the punch line.

Q5: have you ever gone on xyz dating site, before a business trip to xxxxxxxx location?

(This is where he says to himself, "Oh, SHIT.")

Q6: have you ever met a woman from an online web site?


I think you'll get to the bottom of everything pretty easily. Definitely do it. Good luck.


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 966 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
boontje
♀ 33247
Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

have not revealed how much I know - a mountain of evidence in the hardrive telling me that prior to many of his business trips he went on dating websites, not to mention some gaslighting.

If he has been active on dating websites, do you really need a polygraph to tell you he has been unfaithful? Why have you not confronted him yet with the information you have already?


Me: BS
Dday: June 2011
Working on R, one day at a time

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.
― Ernest Hemingway



Posts: 1017 | Registered: Aug 2011
BeautifulEmpty
♀ 38763
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I figure, even if you can't get the truth fully, you already know more than he willingly tells you and he's already put you in the position of feeling like something's going on.
Enough gas lighting and TTing can screw with your gut feelings BUT something bad had to happen in the first place to make all the gas lighting etc come to life.
You've already been compromised and you know, as well as the next person here, that unless you are happy feeling this way, you cannot move forward in any way if he isn't honest with you.
Then, it seems to come down to you deciding how much bs you can handle. Are you okay being partnered with someone who may never tell you anything? Is whatever the trade off is worth it to you?
Nothing about the game will change to favor you until either you change the rules to favor you and/or he quits his crap and starts making changes because he wants to...not because you asked him to.
It's hard. After our first big separation, I asked my H for just a few simple things such as: please do not go out with women alone at all. For any reason.
This seems common sense, right? Nope. Not at all.

Now, he appears to be changed and he absolutely doesn't go out with any woman for any reason and it's his decision because my opinion is do whatever you want but remember, I will also handle my part how I like. He knows what I will do. We both have our parts but I'm no longer setting his boundaries for him. He does it himself and I am thankful for it.

Your H doesn't seem to be getting that nothing can change if he doesn't come clean...or maybe that's what he wants?
Idk but you already know more than he's told you so what are you going to do with the facts you have?
(((Hugs)))


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 264 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:37 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew for 3 yrs my ws was up to something and not one time in those 3 yrs found one shred of evidence and trust me, I left no stone unturned. I think 100% of people have it, just 1 % probhave someone telling them they are wrong.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5242 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
cl131716
♀ 40699
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh the gut feeling....yes. The gut feeling is how I knew my ex was unfaithful yet never had proof and ignored it. It was also how I knew something was going on with my WH. I got the validation that my gut was right on D-day. The problem is I am not going back to all the times I had a gut feeling in the past and have no proof. I can't shut it off or perhaps at this moment it is broken. I'm not sure if it is my catastrophic thinking, reading similar stories and filling in holes, or an actual gut feeling anymore. I can no longer decipher between intuition and fear. Sucks!


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
sideblinded
♀ 41475
Member # 41475
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you to all who have weighed in on this. I appreciate all the thoughtful responses. While I understand the possible limited value of a polygraph, I'm going to go forward with it. The info I have now, gleaned from a download dump of every website ever visited for years, has left me in limbo.
sK - a parking lot confession prior to the polygraph would be the best possible outcome, and something I've fantasized about.
nomistakeaboutit - that's the scenario I imagine as well. I have enough questions in my arsenal to surprise him.
boontje - I don't confront in the way you suggest because a history of websites on a hard drive don't mean a person is hooking up. It's a big leap. All the info I have is that a website is accessed - not what, if anything, happened next. When H finally confessed to the porn habit I handed him a paper and pencil and said, write down all the usernames and passwords of any dating hookup sites you may have used during our marriage. He swore on our children's lives that he's never been on ANY of those sites. So you see, the impasse.

Several people ask what I will do with the information I have now or might get from a polygraph. Best case scenario - he's just a porn junkie, no physical hookups, he gets help, we reconcile eventually. OR it is revealed that he has been hooking up on business trips for the last decade: we D.

I have done a hard 180 on him, as much as one can living under the same roof. The emotional and physical detachment is beginning to get his attention - I think he's starting to realize that his marriage might be in serious trouble. Good for him for showing a little self-awareness. There's a baby step.

One weird thing he's doing - starting to hover and act curious about MY time on the computer. What is that all about? I'm not the one with the porn habit.

c1113- you made a poignant observation that I share with you

I can no longer decipher between intuition and fear.
I'm still in the early stages of this, but I get where you are coming from. It's totally understandable - the catastrophic thinking, the need to fill the holes in the story. When I start filling those holes with my own imaginings, because I have nothing else to work with, I end up in a very dark place.

At random moments during the day I find myself wanting to chuck this mess into a little compartment in my brain, close and lock the door on it. I'm thinking, it's nothing more than a porn habit, my husband is just a pig and objectifies women, and is mentally screwing hundreds of women on-line when I'm out of the house, but hey, it could be so much worse. Then the obsession (fear) that I have overwhelms me - that the situation is much worse.

Late last night, sleepless, I was thinking - I'm in the sixth decade of my life and I don't want to spend a single moment longer screwing around with this mess that H has dumped on me. If I need to restart my life without him, I need to get going on it.


Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 51, possible SA.
3 kids, 19, 17, 15
M 21 yrs.

Posts: 59 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Midwest
cl131716
♀ 40699
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know we often read here on SI "Where there is smoke, there is fire." In the case of my recent DDay, the smoke my WSO was smelling was coming from the fire in his own backyard.

My WH has had "gut feelings" that I am cheating as well. Like yours, I believe he was smelling it from his own backyard.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
cl131716
♀ 40699
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm still in the early stages of this, but I get where you are coming from. It's totally understandable - the catastrophic thinking, the need to fill the holes in the story. When I start filling those holes with my own imaginings, because I have nothing else to work with, I end up in a very dark place.
At random moments during the day I find myself wanting to chuck this mess into a little compartment in my brain, close and lock the door on it. I'm thinking, it's nothing more than a porn habit, my husband is just a pig and objectifies women, and is mentally screwing hundreds of women on-line when I'm out of the house, but hey, it could be so much worse. Then the obsession (fear) that I have overwhelms me - that the situation is much worse.

Exactly! I do the exact same thing. I think, okay I am over it. It was only an inappropriate conversation with a co-worker, move on. But like you, that obsession begins again and I begin believing there is more. It's a horrible cycle.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
cl131716
♀ 40699
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One weird thing he's doing - starting to hover and act curious about MY time on the computer. What is that all about? I'm not the one with the porn habit.

Are we married to the same man? Does he accuse you of cheating as well? Since D-day WH has began checking my computer history and the phone each day when he gets home. He hasn't recently because I voiced how suspicious it made him seem. He went on a mad hunt for a "secret phone" a few weeks ago. He searched the entire house. He also uses reverse psychology and accuses me of projecting. "You keep thinking there is more and there is not. It makes me wonder if you have something to hide." ARE YOU EFFIN KIDDING ME???


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One weird thing he's doing - starting to hover and act curious about MY time on the computer. What is that all about? I'm not the one with the porn habit.
Prior to our D, but after DDay #999, WXH actually put a keylogger on MY computer to keep tabs on me. HE was the one cheating, but was getting paranoid about what I was doing when he was out screwing around.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Done

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6695 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
goodbye_virginia
♀ 16321
Member # 16321
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my experience, my gut feelings about WH are right. Listen to what they are telling you.

Maybe your H is nervous about what you may be finding out about him while you are on the computer & that's why he's hovering.


Me- BW 35
Him - WH 43

Posts: 53 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Texas
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All the info I have is that a website is accessed - not what, if anything, happened next

This is exactly where I'm at ^^^^^^

Just him going on them makes me sick and if if he's going a step further...I don't know


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5242 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
scaredyKat
♀ 25560
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A huge caution here...say you do get information, either through a parking lot confession or a vague admission through a series of deceptive answers on the poly...you may still be in limbo in some ways. Most of us with SA husbands or even just "ordinary" serial cheaters feel incomplete, not knowing some of the details of the affairs, the who, where, when of it at least. It has been said by many survivors that the best place to get peace is through a supervised disclosure with a CSAT, where you have your own counselor to monitor and guage your reactions.

Of course this isn't where you are now, but may be a condition depending on what you can insist on.

So many of us have BTDT. It's a horrendous place to be at any stage of life. I'm still feeling as if my life was a lie. But after 5 years of living this new reality, I have a resignation that is finally bringing me some peace. I would NOT be here without a fully remorseful sober spouse.

Treat yourself to something nice this week.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 1:32 PM, December 23rd (Monday)]


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3782 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
cl131716
♀ 40699
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe your H is nervous about what you may be finding out about him while you are on the computer & that's why he's hovering
.

Hmmmm that's interesting. I never thought of that before. Now that makes me wonder about my situation....WH sure checked my facebook a lot and he knows I sent a message to a woman he used to talk to asking to validate his story. I never got a response from her. Makes me wonder if she didn't respond and he deleted it.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
RealityStinks
♂ 41457
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW swore on the Bible (big deal if you knew her) that she had never been to OM house. My gut told me otherwise, and a close friend recommended I put GPS in her car, but I couldn't bring myself to think the worst. Well, playing around on my own phone a few months later, I find out that I am able to locate my phone on Google maps, and that it recorded and saved its location to my Google account. So, I logged in to my WW's account, and what do you know? I now have nice little maps showing her at his house, houseboat, and rental house 1-2 a week beginning at least a month before I found out about the texting/phone calls.

I asked my WW if she would be willing to take a polygraph, and the answer was: No. That's all I needed to hear to know what the truth was.

The reason he's hovering is because he's afraid you'll find out more information (what you already know that he thinks you don't).

We don't want to admit the truth to ourselves sometimes (at least I didn't) because the truth will turn our world upside down. You want to believe the best because it hurts less.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
Topic Posts: 25
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