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why does a ws have a character change (general discussion)

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sullymeishadomi posted 12/22/2013 10:36 AM

I wanted to post this when it happened, but the last two days were hell and I was in a bad mood.

Anyway....Friday, I was in the corner snarfing down some awesome soup (no time for a proper lunch) and doing paperwork when ow's cousin came in and glared at me from the other side of the room.

After she left a customer and I laughed over the glare. Customer said "this town is a real Payton Place".

She began to tell me about our chief who was having an affair with a bubbly but agressive coworker of hers. I was shocked but asked if the affair began about 3 yrs ago. She thought for a moment and then said "yes".

I had noticed a change in him. He went from authorative and nice/funny to authorative but with an edge of condescending assholeness about him. Time line matches up.

I knew a coworker who was having an affair. He was boss. Many people who worked under him complained he was an utter asshole. He also prefered people who were mean and nasty (like him?). When the affair ended, he changed

Idiot, I can tell when he fights with her because he is an asshole to everyone. When he fights with me, he is an asshole only to me.

What is with the Mr. Hyde behavior toward others, not just their bs? The fact everyone knows about it, its not like they are sneaking around. **I** (I.e. purely my opinion, not fact) doubt there is shame involved bc of the openness of the affair. So again, what is up with the Mr Hyde?

[This message edited by sullymeishadomi at 10:37 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)]

nomistakeaboutit posted 12/22/2013 11:37 AM

Here are three guesses.

....maybe it's due to a lowered level of self esteem?

...maybe it is the transference of anger and disgust, which they direct toward others instead of at themselves?

...or, maybe they're just really assholes and have stopped hiding it because they feel so self satisfied.

devasted30 posted 12/22/2013 15:02 PM

I agree. I think they are disgusted with themselves and their behavior (in most cases) and therefore with everyone else they come in contact with. I believe that is called "transference". And, obviously, with that goes the low self esteem.
But, just like nomistakeaboutit said, some are just assholes - through and through

MakingLemonade posted 12/22/2013 15:15 PM

Interesting. My tween is home early from visitation weekend because his dad is being overly hostile. I warned him, his dad and OW may be having issues and he is taking it out on him. You've only strengthened my suspicions.

I don't know about other situations, but my XWS was brooding and sarcastic. There were other reasons to explain it away (terminally sick mother and his business becoming a sinking ship), but it was actually the affairs/ONSs.

20Hopeful16 posted 12/22/2013 20:26 PM

Although everyone has been shocked to find out WH is cheating, the initial shock has also been followed by... oh, so that's why he's been acting so strange.

Definite change in personality that lines right up with the start of the affair. No one really thought too much about it because we all thought he was just working through MIL's death.

TheAgonyOfIt posted 12/23/2013 00:30 AM

Fascinating question. So many behaviors common to cheaters!!

Maybe it's also due to the sheer stress of living a double secret life!

Maybe all cheaters are just STUPID.

I don't care WTF their IQ is; they are nearly all moronic in their thinking and emotional idiocy.

They're idiots. the more I read the stories here, the more I keep saying to myself, oh what an idiot!!!

So its Stupid Stressed Out Idiot Cheaters being Assholes.

[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 9:56 AM, December 23rd (Monday)]

Healinggirl posted 12/23/2013 03:23 AM

FWH had no character change when he was paying whores. I never suspected a thing.

With the affair - massive difference. We were talking about this only last night. He said she was constantly texting and phoning, keeping it all in 'real life'. He couldn't compartmentalise it. He was afraid of being found out, and coupled with an amount of guilt he said when he wasn't with her he felt bad.

If a WS is basically decent at heart they feel guilt for going against their own values, and they fear being found out.

Just my thought.


steadfast1973 posted 12/23/2013 06:54 AM

Oh, when the porn amped up, so did the shame... So did his bad attitude, once he started contacting hookers, he became a total asshole, to everyone around him. Just plain pissy all the time. The stress of all that hiding maybe? I know that all of the justifications he gave himself, caused him to change very base principles. Plus there was the frustration of all of it not working, and needing to be amped up, once more... For the past 6 months he was occassionally himself (usually after a successful porn session, or chat), but for the most part, a totally different person.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 6:54 AM, December 23rd (Monday)]

Dawn58 posted 12/23/2013 07:11 AM

My WS affair had gone on for 4 months before I found out. I had no clue anything was going on. He was texting her while he was lying next to bed to me for two mornings in a row, trying to hide the screen from me - that's when I knew there was something going on.

He had been a nasty ass to me the last few weeks. I attributed it to the fact that the company he worked for was sold out from under him.

But no, it was because he was pushing me away, forgetting who I was, so he could move on with his next fix. I stood in the way of "true love". He was such a coward, never had the balls to tell me the truth. Just treated me like dirt. I remember how confused I felt, he treated me like I had just killed his family. With such disdain and disgust. I know now who's behavior was truly disgusting.....I have no respect for him as a person any longer. So very grateful that he is out of my life. His (now) fiancee mistress has no clue what is coming down the tracks.

Dawn58 posted 12/23/2013 07:14 AM

Maybe it's not a character change but an unveiling of who they really are......

7yrsflushed posted 12/23/2013 07:47 AM

Maybe it's not a character change but an unveiling of who they really are......
^^^This times a billion!! This is especially true as it relates to LTA's. For the truly unremorseful WS's, the person they portray to their spouse is the mask and the real person is who they are during the A.

MakingLemonade posted 12/23/2013 15:08 PM

Think Dawn is on to something there. Crazy stuff came out of my now XWH's mouth when we separated. Felt like after 25 years of knowing him, I was getting a glimpse through a window into his mind and how it really worked and viewed the world. Self consumed sicko who has little to no regard for others.

Eudaimonia posted 12/23/2013 15:41 PM

I can tell when he fights with her because he is an asshole to everyone. When he fights with me, he is an asshole only to me.

I'm guessing this is because you are still "villain #1" to him? I wish I had some kind of concrete (even if generalized or approximated!!!) dates or timeframe because then I could demarcate the freaking behaviors!!!! My guess is that my case is probably very similar to everyone else's. Though, I didn't see any hint of it. At all.

sullymeishadomi posted 12/23/2013 19:39 PM

I dont know how to correctly explain this next comment but I will do my best: its part of the drill that the ws treats the bs like crap. They need to find a way to justify their wrong doings. The insist to themselves and everyone else the bs is a complete shit and thats why they cheated

What I am questioning is the overall behavior change. How they behave to everyone around them.

Lets take the chief of police. Like I said I have known him for 13 yrs. There was no question he had authoirity but he was kind and funny. Then about three yrs ago something changed. There was an air of nasty sarcasm (as opposed to funny sarcasm). Its not that he has to hide anything. Infidelity is common place where I work. I have called the town Payton Place as has my client. Chiefs slut isnt one to hide it. To say those skanks (both. ws and ap) have no shame is accurate.

So if they are not ashamed of what they are doing then why be the jerk?

My one coworker knew what he was doing was wrong. He would fit the standard ws of whom knows what he is doing is wrong...when he removed his head from his ass, he was a decent guy.

The now exmayor is an ass who is a serial cheater.

To recap, I can see why a ws is nasty to a bs and why. I am just baffled why they would be a jerk to everyone...esp when they dont have shame.

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