Today is the third anniversary of my Dday. I am tremendously grateful that on this day I chose to reconnect with my husband and not go even one day further with the affair.
The first two years after Dday were extremely difficult for me. I had cut off the affair but was very aware that the brokenness and beliefs that had contributed to the affair were still operating. I was sunk in guilt and fear, and shame that those feelings were keeping me stuck and barely able to move forward. I did answer questions, keep NC, and accept confrontations from my husband and therapist about my beliefs and actions. I also examined my beliefs and actions myself to the best of my ability, and worked on self-acceptance and relationship issues, with input from my husband and suggestions from my therapist.
By the beginning of this year, I had built enough of a foundation that I became able to start looking at what went on during the affair. For me, thinking about what went on between me and the AP was necessary to change the beliefs and patterns which led to the unhealthy patterns that were still affecting my relationship with my husband. This is still a work in progress, but I have now experienced periods of having compassion for myself and taking in my husband’s love and support that I had simply been incapable of before. Simultaneously, I was able to express and give love to him as the real me that has been in hiding since I was an infant.
Last night I wrote a poem that expresses how that real me feels at this point in my healing.
[picture of sun/flower]
I’m finally expanding beyond where I was stuck.
The light is coming in.
Partly, just a beginning, but so different from the muck and mire I felt like I was in most of my life.
[picture of a wavy line – a stream]
I feel l myself starting to move forward.
Gliding, hesitantly, moving outward into a world that may not be too awful.
Sensing the outline of my body.
Becoming aware of some of the sensations inside my body.
Pulsing, tenderness, grief and compassion for me and the others I’ve hurt.
Coming alive, at last.
[picture of a circle]
Accepting air into my body.
Accepting love into my heart.
Letting go of trying to control everything –
What I’ve done in the past
What I will do or feel in the future.
What tragedies or challenges that seem too hard may enter my life.
Resting in the present, that indefinable point where nothing is known and everything is possible.
Resting in the support I feel from the universe that we are all a part of
Thank you, all my companions on this ever-unfolding journey of life and love.
I hope this can give some encouragement to those who are also slow processors.