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New information...ugh. How do I handle this?

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LiedtoLucy posted 12/22/2013 13:23 PM

On D-day (4/23/13) I confronted my FWH with cell phone bill in hand. There were hundreds of phone calls and texts in one month to and from OW. When I confronted him he did admit to the 4 year LTA and said that he broke it off with her 3 days prior to my discovering the cell phone bill. The reason I went looking on the cell phone bill was because he was completely angry at the world. For three days. I couldn't talk to him the kids were frustrating him beyond belief. He was not pleasant, actually more like he was awful and mean.

After he admitted to the LTA I asked him why he had broken it off with her? He said that he just couldn't do it anymore. Lying to me and be so stressed out and depressed about what he was doing to me. He had decided that it was time to figure out if we could make our marriage work.

OW is pregnant. Due in one week. After we found about her pregnancy he said I know the baby is mine. I would say with 95% certainty that it is mine. That has pretty much been his stance since finding out.

Since that time FWH has decided that he wants no contact with OW or OC. He will take a paternity test and provide support if it is his. His reason for deciding on NC with them was that he thought it would be too hard on our marriage and that I wouldn't be able to handle it. I agreed. About a week later, I started feeling a little guilty about OC not having a father in his life and told him it felt like I was being selfish for allowing him to this because of me and my aversion to seeing OC because this was an innocent child and who was I to take away his father to save myself some grief.

FWH looks at me and says, " I don't think it is selfish. OC may not even be mine." I said, "what do you mean?" He said, ""She was sleeping with someone else. I found out right before I broke it off." I say, "is that why you broke it off with her?" He says, "yes". So ALL of this time that you have been telling me the OC IS knew that she was sleeping with someone else. I asked home why he would mislead me like that and he said because he thought she would have used protection with the other guy. But after thinking about that she probably didn't. Then I say, ". All of that time you lead me to believe that you broke up with her because of ME. And that you loved me and wanted to fix things with me...but the truth is you broke up with her because she fucked someone else and it pissed you off. How could she do that to you. But it was the same fucking thing you were doing to me."

Now I remember all of that anger and behavior in the days after he broke it off with her. It wasn't classic withdrawal. It was because she betrayed him. She lied to him. It makes me want vomit. He says that was why it happened that day..but that he had been thinking about it and trying to make himself break it off for over a year. IMO I wasn't enough for him to do that.. The guilt and anxiety he felt over betraying me was trumped by what SHE did to him. He couldn't handle it. He said he didn't want to play her head games.. Well wow. There is a statement. NO one should play head games with you. But look what you did to me motherfucker!!

I feel like I am back a square one. I do not know where to go from here.

Rainbows posted 12/22/2013 14:05 PM


It's that sickening feeling during TT when another bomb is dropped. It's a lot like the shock of dday because now you have to reframe your perception of the past.

I would suggest taking care of yourself and taking this one step at a time. Focus on you and what you need right now. Give yourself the time and space to process this latest revelation.

There's a lot to process and evaluate and you don't have to make any decisions right now. I'm sure a lot of emotions are coming up. Let them. As you clear the emotions, you'll have more clarity on what you feel is the best course for your life.

ladies_first posted 12/22/2013 14:07 PM

"All of that time you lead me to believe that you broke up with her because of ME. And that you loved me and wanted to fix things with me...but the truth is you broke up with her because she fucked someone else and it pissed you off.

You take this new information -- along with the soon-to-be-delivered Other Child's STB administered paternity test -- and decide a course of action for YOUR life.

Your WH is playing fast and loose with your emotions, and therefore your safety.

Until he steps up and takes responsibility for his past actions and begins to make restitution, it would be "false" to say that you are in active Reconciliation.

You've got some hard decisions ahead of you. I wish you peace and strength.

Skan posted 12/23/2013 14:37 PM

Frankly, I would march off to a lawyer and find out, in your state, if there are any advantages for filing for a legal separation before the OW dropped her bastard and tried to file for CS. And I would get those papers drawn up and file. You don't have to go any further, but you DO need to protect YOUR children. And give your idiot WH the cold shoulder for the rest of the year.

thecosmogirl posted 12/24/2013 10:41 AM

It's amazing to me how WH react when they find out they are or were being "cheated" on by their OW.
Mine was in shock to hear that his was just a slut that would seek out any man that she thought had "power" as in police officers, fire fighters and in his case, her boss. After I told him what she was he says he would've never slept with her again if he knew that then. Oh well isn't that nice? How DARE someone cheat on YOU!

Please take the advice of the wise veterans on here, they are a blessing to us!

Prayers and hugs to you LtoL!!

Ostrich80 posted 12/24/2013 11:12 AM

I think it would be extremely difficult to continue on with him. My heart hurts so bad for you right now. You really should consider what the future may hold. If I'm not mistaken, as far as cs goes, if she files first and you decide to leave him, doesn't that affect your kids support? He broke it off with her because he was jealous, sounds like of her seeing ither men. What happens if she tells him she will be exclusive with him...will he go back to her? Please protect your heart and your kids future. This sounds messy with high emotions and loose ends. I'm so so sorry...

LiedtoLucy posted 12/25/2013 12:54 PM


I was floored when I figured out that is what the intense anger was and probably had been about for some time.. He was very easily frustrated and some days it was just over the top. Now I wonder if the over the top days were b/c he was fighting with OW and taking it out on me. He can't relate to how I am feeling about him betraying ME. But he sure didn't like it when OW gave him a dose of his own.


Yes. My WH saw an attorney that told him that if OW files first she would get a greater percentage for CS for the OC. There are 3 COM so I would get more money. The percentage of WH income would be lower but x 3. WH said he doesn't want to try the separation because he thinks it will just make it easier to end a fight with.. D since it would be halfway there already.

He has actually made progress in detaching from OW. He says he knows that he does not want to be with her now. The other I asked him if he still thought about her and he said, "I try not to, but honestly, when I do, all I can think of is how truly miserable she made my life with all of her conflict and drama. " Then he said, "I am sure she is sucking the life out of someone else by now, and I am just glad it is not me."

He admits that he was in never-never land and claims he got way caught up in it all. So this IS progress from 6 months ago when he was so obviously grieving for her and telling me that he lurved her and missed her. And while the initial lie about why he ended it sucks..I am grateful that he told me the truth now, even if it was an accident.

I can tell he isn't really thinking about her but I dont really think he is thinking about me or my pain either. Sometimes I think he tries to but doesn't really know how.

He loves me but I am pretty sure that his definition of love is different from most.

TheAgonyOfIt posted 12/25/2013 12:58 PM


(((so so sorry))))

womaninflux posted 12/25/2013 13:18 PM

Yes, it is bad that you were misled. But is he still misleading you? Has he given you a full accounting and timeline of the affair and $ spent to your satisfaction? Has he answered all of your questions and you have verified that the answers are honest ones? Are you in MC and is he in IC?

I had the some similar lies happen during the course of finding out about my husband's LTA. I'll admit there is no OC situation so mine is different in that respect but a lie is a lie and covering up a lie with another lie only to find out the truth later is definitely BAD. But it is pretty NORMAL in the context of "the fog." Your WH was in an affair for 4 years…it probably took him awhile to get out of his fog. My WH's A was 2.5 years…it took him a full 6 months to start to be truthful with me. This ranged from finding out where they traveled to which of his friends knew about the A. On DD he said she only went on one trip with him. I later found out this was not the case - there were a few other trips - and I confronted. Still he led me to believe that the trip was a business trip with the company she works for and she happened to be on it. I found out a couple months later the actual truth. Another thing my WH lied about was the timing of STD tests he got. He said he got one as part of a routine physical almost a year ago. I questioned him about this during MC session once. I said I just got a yearly physical but was not offered this. He admitted he'd gotten tested because he was suspicious that the OW was cheating on him soon after he failed to meet her deadline for leaving me and moving in with her.

Their minds are not pure. I'm not saying this is OK, he gets a pass. But you have to understand you are dealing with someone who has been leading a double life. They get used to lying…it becomes second nature. They do it without realizing they are doing it and I don't even thing they are keeping an inventory of what they say and when they say it. It takes awhile to embrace honesty.

I agree with the posters who say you need to protect your kids FIRST. Time will tell - for you and me both! - if our WHs are capable of long term change. We will see. But at this point, I am trying to work on my marriage. Hang in there…easier said than done, I know.

Ostrich80 posted 12/26/2013 13:12 PM

I just went back and reread your original post. So this oc may not be his? That should probably be addressed. Will there be a paternity test? If its not his, he can X this bitch out of your ties.

Mousse242 posted 12/27/2013 18:06 PM

You need to consult with an attorney, don't listen to what he tells you. Because he may, or may not have actually talked to an attorney.

And it isn't about what he wants at this point. It's about what you want and need. And if you need financial security for yourself and kids, you gotta do what you gotta do. Consequences of his dick falling into places where 1- it shouldn't have and 2 -not using protection.

Since he admitted she was sleeping around on him and likely not using protection and he and she obviously were not. I hope you have been tested for full STD's as some may not manifest right away.

Can Not Believe posted 12/27/2013 18:18 PM


I remember responding to you when you first started posting. This was when your husband wanted to be involved in the OW's pregnancy. Since then - you have found out even more devastating information. And if I remember correctly (I apologize if I'm wrong)- your husband's parents live with you and they don't know of the situation.

Lucy - PLEASE - protect yourself and your children by putting in that child support request first. I have been lurking on these boards over 3 years and the stories that I have read and situations that I know of in real life - are heart breaking. The worse ones are the people who cannot support their families and children because of the child support going to the OW & OC. They OC getting more consideration (and money) than the already existing (usually multiple)children of the marriage. They have to worry about food and shelter for their own kids and some of these OW and OC's are living better than the intact legit family.

This jumped out at me and made me pull my keyboard out to respond. You said:

Yes. My WH saw an attorney that told him that if OW files first she would get a greater percentage for CS for the OC. There are 3 COM so I would get more money. The percentage of WH income would be lower but x 3. WH said he doesn't want to try the separation because he thinks it will just make it easier to end a fight with.. D since it would be halfway there already.

Please don't fall for this. You filing first means that MORE MONEY stays in your household (remember the 3 children you have to worry about). And - it is not to say that your husband won't leave anyway. Especially since it is now revealed that he left her because she was sleeping with another man. He didn't leave her for YOU.

Please do not love this man more than you love the security for your children. He does not deserve it and the fact that you also take care of his parents - too much. So many times we give too much of ourselves. I have found and life has taught me that sometimes you have to demand respect.

If your husband truly loved you - he would want to protect YOU and your 3 CHILDREN. He would see and understand that getting in your CS agreement first only helps the family to survive financially. If he can't do it - YOU MUST. If he truly loved you - a piece of paper (separation) to protect your economic security will not automatically translate to a divorce. It means keeping your family intact - more money in YOUR household - and assure you of food and shelter to protect your COM.

18 - 22 years is a long time - and money may not seem like an issue now - but once that child support starts coming out for OC - it will be. And it will only increase as the years go by. Please don't make that mistake. I hate to see women making that mistake. You can't just HOPE for the best. You have to be pro-active.

Your question: How can I handle this? HANDLE THIS BY PUTTING YOUR CHILDREN FIRST. Get that order in. NOW. Your husband has shown you OVER and OVER who he is!!!

PLease - Take a quiet moment to go back and read all of your posts. Read your OWN words!! KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. Put your children first.

Can Not Believe posted 12/27/2013 20:15 PM


Please read this post in Just Found Out.

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