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Y2sucks, tearfully offered D, BS/WS help please

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knightsbff posted 12/22/2013 16:57 PM

This is so freaking unbelievably hard.

BH has still been relentlessly miserable and angry. He finally opened up a little last night and talked about it.

The way he sees it no matter how much we heal and improve our M he is still never going to get what he wants. I can understand that. What he wants is a wife who has only ever loved him. And second best would be a wife who didn't cheat on him at least.

He says he can't hold my hand without thinking of some other dudes dick in it, same with kissing me. It makes him want to throw up but he does it anyway. Why does he force himself? How can I kiss him knowing he's trying not to vomit? Having sex is torture for him but he needs it he says. I told him maybe we should take a break and see if it gets better or helps. That pissed him right off.

I told him I'm right here and wanting to be with him as long as he wants me. I know that year 2 is usually harder and I'm ok with helping and supporting in anyway that he wants me to. But I love him enough to give him a D if that's what he needs. We can tell everyone why and no one would blame him. I would file and take all the blame if he doesn't want anyone to know about the A or I will confess it to whoever he wants to know. It's a way he could get what he wants. He can find another wife who will take better care of his heart than I have. I don't believe she will love him more than I do but at least he won't be sickened by her. He said this is why he doesn't tell me about how he's feeling. But I wasn't threatening D. It's not what I want at all and I told him that. I just want to help him to find happiness.

He said he didn't want that. He still want our M so we are still in the same place. I guess waiting for time to help his revulsion.

This is so sad. He is not mean or hateful to me. He is being honest, and he's not happy to tell me about this. I have made sex torture for him. And everything that used to be sexy is torture too. Lingerie, stilettos, he can't even stand to walk past Victoria's Secret.

He says he feels I'm doing all that he could ask of me. He can't think of one thing he would like me to change. He is really trying to work on it mentally too. Is this really just a time thing?

Have any of you been through this revulsion? Did anything help? Did time help? Is there hope?

Kelany posted 12/22/2013 17:06 PM

Is he in IC?

There was a time that any time my husband touched me, even holding hands, I was repulsed. It made my skin crawl. Sex was filled with mind movies, but I did need it too.

IC, journaling and knowing I wasn't alone helped and just...time. fighting the thoughts.

knightsbff posted 12/22/2013 17:10 PM

He was in IC doing EMDR but he says he doesn't feel he can get further help there. I disagree but he says he doesn't think he can go back and endure being triggered hard for an hour every time he goes. He says he doesn't have the strength for it right now.

I try to get him to post here. He says he wants to but then he's resistant. He reads here some. It triggers him too.

This is so hard I hate what I've done to him.

EvolvingSoul posted 12/22/2013 17:48 PM

My BS has also struggled with this. Something that did help was for me to do a cleansing ritual. I know it sounds kind of crystal-crunchy airy-fairy, but it was important to him that I acknowledge that what I had done with AP was disgusting and that I desired to be cleansed of it symbolically.

The emotion of disgust (believing I was disgusting to other people and learning to shut that emotion down to avoid shame feelings) was central to my "why" so you can imagine that this was pretty hard to get on board with, but I managed to do it. He did not even need to be there and in fact I was in another state when I did it. But I did tell him about it in detail and shared my journal entry with him so that he would know that I was sincere.

This was in summer of 2012, so, yeah, year 2. It did bring him some relief.

painfulpast posted 12/22/2013 17:56 PM

Please don't offer D again. He knows its an option, believe me. You saying it sounds like a WS that isn't up for doing the work. I understand what your real intentions were, but as a BS I can tell you that every time my WH said it, I would become enraged and think, just as your H, that I couldn't express my feelings because all it did was make him want to quit.

The disgust is what it is. Please, if you can, try to imagine that you and he are in opposite positions. Please think how you would feel if everything you and OM did was something he and another woman did, while you were home believing his lies and trusting him. I'm not trying to be cruel. I hope this helps you to understand. It's very hard realizing that, even for a time, another was chosen over us, the BS, when we were right there. Yes, the A wasn't about us, but we were the losers in it just the same.

I'm sorry you're struggling, but offering divorce is seen as you wanting to avoid his issues, or not caring and only wanting it to end. It's really not a good idea.

Kelany posted 12/22/2013 18:19 PM

Instead of emdr, what about regular ic for awhile? To learn some coping techniques?

And I agree, do not offer up divorce again. Trust me, we know it's an option.

[This message edited by SamanthaBaker at 6:20 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)]

Mrs Panda posted 12/22/2013 18:47 PM

Please don't be a martyr and offer d. That is not what ou want and you shouldn't offer something you don't want yourself. It is confusing to him.

My BH would not have sex with me for over 2 years. Not because he didn't love me. Not because he didn't forgive me. Not to punish me (as some here suggested). He couldn't take the triggers and the mind movies. He was revulsed.

He needs reassurance that this will never happen again.
He needs some level of normalcy. But ultimately he has to decide himself if he can live with it.

He got angry when you suggested time apart. Does that answer your question? He is up and down. There is no solution . What he really wants is for rhis to never have happened. But that isnt a choice.

I think this is a year 2 thing. Doubt.regret. fear. anger. He loves you. He said he doesn't want divorce. So stop deciding for him. He wants you to tell him you want him and it will get better with time. It will.

Brandon808 posted 12/22/2013 18:51 PM

Your BH is still there.
Your BH still wants the M.
That is how much he loves you.

Like painfulpast I understand your intent with offering D. You want to help him heal no matter that takes.

I also think he needs IC. If EMDR isn't working then another methodology needs to be looked. It seems like he may be suppressing too much of these feelings.

My instinct is that the conflict is what is causing so much pain. Loving and wanting to be with the person who caused you pain is tough to reconcile internally. The fear, which really can border on mortal terror, within many BS is that their WS will change their minds after the BS agrees to R. That the WS will decide after all that they really don't want them.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 12/22/2013 19:13 PM

Jumping in with the never offer divorce opinion. As a bs, I always feel like my wife threw me away.....over and over everytime she lied to me and met with the other man. She threw me away hundreds of times. Offering divorce is just her throwing me away again. It hurts.

And was impossible. The revulsion I would feel during and after was unbearable. The revulsion at what she had done, at the fact that my marriage was a lie, at the fact that I was still with her....uggggghh. Impossible emotions.

Time helps, action helps, IC helps. More than anything, commitment to staying with your bs helps. Offering divorce completely undermines this.

(disclaimer.....not a great day and may have been drinking).

knightsbff posted 12/22/2013 19:32 PM

I will not offer D again. I truly was not feeling like giving up. It was just a desperate desire to give him some relief.

I don't blame him for his feelings of disgust it's just there is nothing I can do to help him.

I didn't suggest time apart. I suggested taking a break from sex to see if it would help with the revulsion. He says he has to fight nightmarish mind movies every time so I thought maybe just time could help. He took that as a rejection.

He does love me. It amazes me, but he does. I'm very lucky.

Thank you all for the replies. I will never ever offer D again. The last thing I want is to cause more pain. I've never felt like giving up.

SlowUptake posted 12/22/2013 19:32 PM

Your BH is still there.
Your BH still wants the M.
That is how much he loves you.


The revulsion is a natural consequence of our cheating
He's trying his damnedest to overcome it.

Be calm, stop panicking.

This is so freaking unbelievably hard.

There are worse things.

My BS & I haven't had sex in almost four years, how's that for a consequence, think yourself lucky.

Just something to ponder. YMMV.

knightsbff posted 12/22/2013 19:44 PM

Maybe he will feel ready to go back to IC after the holidays. I will see what he says when things calm down a bit. I really am not complaining about him. I see him as incredibly strong to be holding it together like he does. I feel like I dodge some of the consequences because he just mans up and carries on with life but I can see him hurting.

I have to drag it out of him to get him to talk to me. He says talking about it helps some then I make the brilliant D comment making him not want to talk next time. I knew it was wrong as soon as the words were out.

knightsbff posted 12/22/2013 19:59 PM

Also, thank you so much for the incredibly insightful replies from both BS and WS. It is so helpful to hear from others who have been here before. I learn so much from all of you and you calm my nerves. Yes, things could be so much worse. Yes, we can make it through this. Just keep on going.

Audrina posted 12/22/2013 20:24 PM

It will take time and patience. Don't give up on him. Big hug

Ps. Year 2 was the hardest for me.

[This message edited by Audrina at 8:25 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)]

housenotahome posted 12/22/2013 20:42 PM

As a BS, I am currently going through this and approaching year 3 . I think you are incredibly brave to address this and it will help you in the long run. My WH is a conflict avoider and will not address it which makes me more distant. We have discussed it a couple times ever so briefly. His feelings were to hurt to deal with my pain. I believe your courage will be recognized in the long run. Everyone who posted is amazing and it even educated me more. I don't feel as alone. I was especially touched by Mrs. Panda's post.

[This message edited by housenotahome at 8:44 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)]

courageous posted 12/22/2013 20:44 PM

I don't know if this makes a difference but I know you both were involved in the Christmas card exchange as elves. Just writing the cards were very hard for me. I thought it would be easy but it was hard to be around joy when it feels like there is none left in my life. It's possible that being an elf caused a subconscious trigger for him. Just continue to be there for him and show him you love him.

Christmas is a hard time for BS's. Marriage after infidelity is hard. Look at the bright side... If he didn't want to be married to you he would have left. He is sharing his thoughts with you even though they are hard to hear. He is bringing his pain to you.

Has he taken any ADs? They have helped even out the really lows for me.

(Knightsbff and knight)

mchercheur posted 12/22/2013 20:48 PM

We are 2 1/2 yrs out, & it has only really started to get better these past couple of months. A year ago, I was still quite miserable.
Up until very recently, I have to be honest----I felt like WH was contaminated. I wished there was such a thing as a full body condom. It has been very very difficult for me to deal with physical intimacy---knowing that he shared his body with someone else. It takes a long long time, so be patient.
Obvioiusly he still loves you, so don't give up.

lemony.2008 posted 12/23/2013 00:51 AM

But I love him enough to give him a D if that's what he needs.

I'm curious as to why you think offering D is what he needs and it'd an act of love from you. I think he's been quite traumatized by your A already, and going through a D is not in any way an easy endeavor. I think he needs to heal, it's going to take a lot of time, a lot of patience, kindness, understanding, love and support. Even if you get divorced, he still has to do a lot of work to heal himself, and he'd then have to do it alone!

From my (BS) perspective, if my WH suggests D, it would indicate to me his selfishness (because I'd think he doesn't want to deal with repairing the marriage any longer, he's had it, he's impatient, etc.) and that he's abandoning me, again, just like the A. It would not be interpreted as an act of love, at all.

I'm sorry both of you are suffering so much right now, I hope you will continue to be supportive of each other.

(((knightsbff and BH)))

Just read the following:

I will not offer D again. I truly was not feeling like giving up. It was just a desperate desire to give him some relief.

The word desperate honestly gives me the chills. My WS was desperate for attention, for adoration, for approval, know what I mean.

And are you sure you were offering it to give him relief? Would you not feel a sense of relief as well? I mean, it must be so painful to hear someone you love so much wants to vomit when you're being intimate and affectionate.

I'm hoping my questions will lead you to examine your ways of thinking that you might not be aware of. I think being resilient and having a healthy sense of self will help your reconciliation. You have to feel good about yourself before he can feel good about you, kwim?

Best of luck to you both!

P.S. I hope I haven't offended you, knightsbff, it is not at all my intention. I hope you find what I wrote helpful, if not, just ignore.

[This message edited by lemony.2008 at 1:15 AM, December 23rd (Monday)]

Nailinmyforehead posted 12/23/2013 08:23 AM

I understand the disgust. As a BS, I felt this and fought it with my FWW. I did not do IC, but have come to a place and fully believe this- My wife is NOT the same person she was when she was in her A. The woman I lay with, and kiss and hold is not the same person that ran around and F'd that dude for 3 years. People change and I view her as a new person. Just as if we just met, I wouldn't hold her past against her, likewise, I don't hold her, "the old wife" against my new repentant, FWW. People can change and her A was a sliver of shit in an otherwise good marriage. Likewise, she does not hold my feet to the fire for bad decisions I made earlier in our M. While it wasn't infidelity, I made mistakes too. Hope this helps.

greengiant posted 12/23/2013 14:12 PM

I agree with the others about IC. My IC sessions makes me feel better, and stronger. We also have MC sessions where we talk about this kind of things.

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