You'll never learn to fly
Together 12 years, married 4, three ons, one revenge affair that I can't seem to stop. I can go days without talking to her, and then I just completely lose all will power and I'm right back into it. How??? Why??? For fucks sake why do I continue to hurt my wife? Over and over again, I'm losing everything because of my inability to just be what's right and true.
Here's my sad tale of what my life has now become.
I've had two ons at sporting events in which the evenings involve excessive alcohol consumption and all night partying.
Both of these nights I was well beyond my limit, no excuse but definitely made the decisions to go through with it easier.
I had 1 ons while on a family vacation alcohol was involved again.
I have a very unhealthy need to be liked and looked at in a good light by everyone I meet, and when I don't feel that way I try everything I can to make this person like me. I feel like this is a major issue and cause of why I made these choices, because I was desired and these women wanted to be with me, I got my ego boosts. Booze is another problem I have, now it's not that I drink often, it's that when I go into "party" mode I don't have an ounce of moderation in my body.
My wife had an affair with a coworker that lasted roughly 8 months with 3 months of very heavy ea and pa. When I discovered this I was destroyed. I waited for 2 months before I told her about my own ons, this was a mistake. We made a choice to move forward with a new relationship based on open honest communication.
I failed on this front terribly. Instead of talking about how I was feeling, I chose to not rock the boat cause we where doing good, I was essentially rugsweeping her affair. All the time building resentment and hiding it from myself.
I started to notice this woman at work an I was drawn to her, found myself spending more and more time with her. Then I turned into Facebook messages, which my wife found right away, there was nothing sexual or flirty at this point yet so I explained it away, but I was already on the slope. Then we started texting each other, and that escalated quickly, and turned into flirty sexual texts. At this point I had convinced myself that I was unhappy and started an I house seperation with my wife, I moved to the basement. I also got layed off from job. It was at this point that I took the relationship from ea to pa. It lasted about a week before I told my wife what I was doing and that I wanted to end my affair and be a better husband. She was devistated, angry, and crushed, she kicked me out. I had started my new job and am working away. So I wasn't seeing her anymore, but I was still talking to her through text. While trying to repair my relationship with my wife. As my marriage started to break down, I was firing my affair back up. At the end of my shift this time I stayed at my ap house and spent the night. I told my wife last night. She imeadiatly said she wanted a divorce, told to not come back, and wouldn't let me say goodbye to my children.
I have really fucked my life up here and I don't think that there is a chance to repair what I have done. If anybody has any advice or 2x4 for on how I can be a safe partner please help.
until your standing at the cliff
I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.