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4 years & a now a fresh slap in the face...

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tornandtormented posted 12/22/2013 22:23 PM

My story unfolded 4 years ago- almost to the husband has since been on the straight & narrow(as far as I knew...) I just found out that while he was visiting/staying with friends while on a work trip - that the other woman was also visiting them at the same time. I know this because of pictures I saw on social media..none of the pictures have them both in the them...however they are dated & time stamped and the days correspond to the days he was also visiting...I am not sure how I should proceed as I have very young toddlers now to think of too... I want to explode..but its the holiday season & I have his parents visitng the kids & I, as he is still traveling for his job...I dont know if I want to scream,cry,shut down,..feel like i am headed for a nervous breakdown!?!?!? I know that I need to make rational decisions & choices.. I dont want my children to grow up without their father in their daily lives..but I dont want to be in a living hell either... he spoke to me every day he was there & never mentioned any word of her.. at all.. Could use some clear perspective- advice...etc.. just dont know where to turn right now - this betrayal is breaking me.. even if nothing happened - the lie of ommision & then finding out about it online is almost more than I can take! Please help

caregiver9000 posted 12/22/2013 22:37 PM

I think this is a HUGE betrayal, not just from your H but from the friends he stayed with as well (if they were friends of the marriage they should never have allowed this!)

I can imagine the pain of discovering this through social media.

Do not let your WH rugsweep or down play the severity of this issue. The "I didn't tell you because it would upset you" is not valid!!

Good luck in confronting. (((hugs)))

karmahappens posted 12/22/2013 22:49 PM

I am sorry.

Four years, it's a long tough road R is.

And this "slap in the face" would be a deal breaker for me.

It shows he is dishonest and you had to find the truth by accident. How many accidents have you missed?

I won't live my life worrying. If there is ever any contact that I am not informed of the marriage is over. That's my line in the sand.

I will not go back on it.


and I agree with caregiver, the other people are NOT your friends.

Gotmegood posted 12/22/2013 22:59 PM

T and T. I think your question was how can you manage this w/ christmas in a few days, and his parents staying with you. Ugh. That's a tough question. I would probably try to hold it all in until Christmas is over, his parents have gone home, and your kids are back in school.
Until this, for the past 4 years, were things all good?

tornandtormented posted 12/22/2013 23:00 PM

Thank you both- I know that this has got to be the end- I cannot withstand anymore- I did end up sending him an email(he is only reachable by email now-deployed military) asking him why he didnt tell me she was there visitng them (the screwed up relationship is that She is the best friend of his best friends wife- they(my husband & it) are both godparents to the child of the couple they were both visiting- I know - its disgusting!) He told me he was only there with them the fri-sun before she got there and them didnt go back until after she left?!?!?..even if this is true(not THAT naive) the lie of ommision is unforgivable..I am just not sure if i should keep the status quo until he gets home - or start all the processes now...the holiday timing is the icing on the cake! dont know if I should ask his parents to leave & cancel Christmas- but dont want to hurt my babies(the twins are only 2) - just because he is worthless.... just dont know what to head is spinning& my heart is broken

tornandtormented posted 12/22/2013 23:03 PM

Hi Got me good - everything was fine(I think??) until then- but now I am questioning everything... its possible this is a set up he was unaware of and the handywork of the witch his friend is married to...I dont want to believe he cheated - but how can I when he didnt tell me anything about her being around the same time as him?? I just want to cry

karmahappens posted 12/22/2013 23:11 PM

Sorry, I went to what would you do ...skipping over xmas

Why should you lose out on Christmas with the kids and his parents? They did nothing wrong.

No reason you have to run out and sign papers tomorrow.

That would be my deal-breaker, my husband is aware, I wouldn't be pulling punches.

My deal breaker doesn't have to be yours.

How close are you with his parents? My husbands parents know of his A, I would be comfortable confiding in them....not sure what type of relationship you have with them.

karmahappens posted 12/22/2013 23:14 PM

Did his best friend and bf wife know of the A while it was going on?

tornandtormented posted 12/22/2013 23:26 PM

His mother knows about the past affair- I really dont want to ruin the holidays for everyone else-I am close enough to both of them - but he is their only child & if I leave him - they could turn on me & protect "their" baby..they have plenty of $$$ to hire him the best attorneys (I dont)- I would have to move them back home to support myself & my children(hundreds of miles away from them- which if they know - I am sure they would hire the best represtation for him to stop me from doing it).. so i am not sure how I should proceed... If I tell her- its like giving a heads up & they might start getting their ducks in a row before I even get near the pond! If I wanted to stay with him - Id probably tell her about the new incident- I am not looking forward to the hard road- but while deeply thinking about this..that I wouldnt want my daughter to be with a man like that- I want to be strong & get out.. I hate the idea that I am torn up over this- it would be financially easier to stay - but emotionally impossible to stay - hence the dilemna & timimg...

tornandtormented posted 12/22/2013 23:30 PM

His best friend & wife denied knowing about it the first time..I didnt believe either of them..I had just started to forgive & sned her a message thanking her for my babies presents she sent(normally I would send a generic thank you card from them only) & we corresponded for a few messages & I was ready to maybe start to repair the rift...then this! She knew a month before that he would be there the beginning of Dec & her best friend from another state- just happened to come to see her at the same time?!?!? Clearly she is a disgusting pig - I want to call her & unload on her - but dont want to give her any more time in my life than shes already had...

karmahappens posted 12/23/2013 00:03 AM

This is not on her, it's on your husband. It's his responsibility to do the right thing.

We can hope our friends would have our backs, but when they prove not to you have to decide if they are friend worthy.

Your husband, IMO can no longer remain friends with these people and be married to you.

My husband and I gave up all friends that had any knowledge of his A.

You and the marriage have to be worth more to him than any outside relationship. If he doesn't see this I would not be comfortable.

tornandtormented posted 12/23/2013 00:25 AM

Thats very was up to him to tell me& not be around when she was there. I am done with her & her husband.
I am 99% sure i am done with my husband too.
I dont want to hurt my babies by taking them away from everyone/everything they know by leaving him- truthfully -I will not be able to provide the same lifestyle & opportunities for them that they currently enjoy..(I am staying at home with them now & they have a full life) When I am on my own-that would all be gone. Its not their fault & they will suffer too.. it pains me to put up with him and this betrayal - just for the $$$. - but I am so tired of crying over him - I just want to get off this roller coaster- its making me sick

wontdefineme posted 12/23/2013 00:42 AM

Wish I had known the truth while my xh was deployed. Instead of paying his truck off, and other bills, I would have started to put the money away in a bank account of my own and paid for the attorney before he got home. We also sold our rental while he was in his A. Wish I had not sold it, I would have also moved into it while he was gone.

I can't go back in time, but you need to start using the deployment money for your future. What you do in the marriage with the money is money spent in the marriage. Don't let on to his parents or even him what you really feel. Use that anger to figure out what you want to do with your future.

Start getting your financial ducks in a row.

Or if you can stomach to stay with him, get an education, keep earning retirement points from him being in the military and put your self in a position of not being financially worse off. Also wished I had signed up for school and waiting it out until I had a degree.

cancuncrushed posted 12/23/2013 09:47 AM

Christmas is over in 2 days. Really one and half if you open gifts in morning. You can wait. You need to wait. Your on a rollercoaster. The one thing your H could have done was choose to come home. He should have stated, this is not right. ANd just left.
AS for The rest, you need to relax as much as you can, for yourself. Nobody needs to proceed on high energy crazy thinking, and no sleep. Think out plan A and Plan B. Hopefully the parents are leaving very soon after Christmas? I commend you. My head would have been spinning , I am afraid I would have lost it.

swizzlestick03 posted 12/23/2013 09:53 AM

Take a step back and wait.

After Christmas, pack up and head home to wherever your family is. Establish yourself there and let your family take care of you.

Go to a separate bank today and open a new account.

Don't say a word to the inlaws. Think about what you would tell someone in your shoes.

Many hugs and warm wishes. You can get through this.

StillLivin posted 12/23/2013 10:56 AM

Get your stuff straight. No need to tell him anything. I would keep those cards close to your chest. After all, he didn't tell you he was visiting while the whore was too.
See a lawyer so you know your rights. If it is a deal breaker, then file quietly. Move whatever your share of the assests are so you can afford to move (if you chose) or pay the bills while you make him move out.
Honestly, if I could do things a little differently, I would NOT have told him I knew anything...for MONTHS. I would have stashed every penny in savings those 5 momths, then when he got home from Afghanistan filed for D.
He would have came home to locks changed immediately. I played too nice and too fair. I hope you don't make the same mistake I did.

tornandtormented posted 12/25/2013 21:41 PM

Thank you all! I am happy to say I held it together & kept the status quo through the holiday -my company will be leaving soon. I am going to get my ducks in a row& proceed wisely..I have several months to get myself on to the next step without having to "show my hand" I appreciate the advice - believe me I needed it! I was having a hard time even remembering my name these past few days..thanks for being here for me when I needed it most!

knolls posted 12/26/2013 07:49 AM

I agree with the advice of getting your ducks in a row. I think so many of us have wished we acted instead of re-acted.

SisterMilkshake posted 12/26/2013 08:22 AM

Wow! True, your husband should have told you immediately about OW. However, maybe he didn't know and it was sprung on him and he didn't know what to do. I feel like the wife of your husband's BF has an agenda of her own. She seems to want the godparents of their child to be together. Definitely not friends of the marriage and that is where I feel part of the problem lies. Your husband has to distance himself from them. No staying with BF ever again and probably only see BF only (no wife) at your home or when with you.

WS's will stumble and make mistakes. Some bigger than others. A lie of omission of this magnitude is something that definitely needs to be dealt with. I just wouldn't immediately jump to divorce. But, that is me. When is your husband coming home?

eta: to fix sentence

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 8:24 AM, December 26th (Thursday)]

karmahappens posted 12/26/2013 08:28 AM

I just wouldn't immediately jump to divorce. But, that is me. When is your husband coming home?

At four years out I had my deal breakers in place, this would have been one of them.

Contact with the OW, especially over-night,with me not knowing, while away on business.

It doesn't mean he did anything, but for me, it means I would still have to worry about contact and being lied to....I wouldn't live that way after 4 years. His boundaries and alliance should be planted in my camp, nowhere but!!

But like sister said, she has a different opinion, whatever fits you

[This message edited by karmahappens at 8:29 AM, December 26th (Thursday)]

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