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Scorpio2310 (original poster member #41561) posted at 6:21 AM on Monday, December 23rd, 2013
My BSO always ask me to be honest, and then she asks me questions about me xF and the EA concerning her. I am honest about my thoughts as I start to reevaluate the EA. Then she lashes out at me.
Tonight she told me that I should just go back and see if things might workout between us. She said that she didn't want to be my second choice. When she lashes out like that in anger it really hurts and triggers memories of how my xF treated me with the emotional push and pull.
How do I deal with these feelings and am I justified in feeling hurt? I do know that she is right to be angry and hurt, but do I have a right to say that I am hurt by what she says and does?
heforgotme ( member #38391) posted at 3:07 PM on Monday, December 23rd, 2013
She said that she didn't want to be my second choice.
I said this so many times and I hope you can understand, under the circumstances, how hard it is to believe otherwise. It will come, but it takes a lot of convincing.
do I have a right to say that I am hurt by what she says and does?
You of course have a "right". They are your feelings. But honestly, she may not have too much sympathy for your "hurting" at the moment. FWH did not expect any sympathy for a very long time and in fact would get upset when I offered it. I could see he was hurting over certain things, but if I offered sympathy he didn't like it. He didn't feel he deserved it.
Now it's different. We comfort each other. But it took a while before the focus shifted from me to him and then us (marriage).
good luck...
D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry
overandone ( member #39162) posted at 3:30 PM on Monday, December 23rd, 2013
BS here. Agree totally with heforgotme. Unless you've bee a BS, it's impossible for you to understand the depths of hurt inflicted by an A. I can't believe some of the verbal lashings I've given My fWH. Still feel like doing it sometimes (19 months out) but I try and control it better these days.
Yes it hurts you, and yes us BS WANT to hurt our WS. After all, they've hurt us, and the problem with an affair is the hurt just goes on and on. Not like a broken leg you can recover from after a few months.
That's not to say the lashing out should go on in perpetuity. At some point if R is going to happen a BS has to accept what's happened and slow down on the verbal. I apologised frequently to my H for some of the things I said, and the tone of voice I used, but most of the time he said he deserved it and was sorry.
Unfortunately you'll just have to accept that your W has to get a lot of anger out of her system, even if you do feel hurt. Believe me, sitting on those feelings rather than letting them out is like sitting on a pressure cooker, which can only be kept under wraps for so long until it explodes.
Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
15 years on/off LTA
R - but lots of bumps in the long road
knightsbff ( member #36853) posted at 3:57 PM on Monday, December 23rd, 2013
I am honest about my thoughts as I start to reevaluate the EA. Then she lashes out at me.
We did this too. It is almost impossible at times for a BS to control their reactions when the pain comes from our honesty. They absolutely NEED the honest answers but it HURTS. They want to control their reactions because they're afraid we will start lying to "protect them" again but sometime the hurt just comes out.
Try to see her lashing out as an expression of her pain. If she didn't love you she wouldn't be there and it wouldn't hurt her. Lashing out is so much better than indifference.
Keep being honest. Hang in there. Don't get defensive. Face her pain. Realize it what you did to her.
It gets better. I promise.
fWW 40s, BH 40s
D-day 27 Aug 2012. Kids 25, 17, 13. 2 dogs.
I edit often to fix stuff ☺️
Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.
Kalliopeia ( member #35053) posted at 10:05 PM on Monday, December 23rd, 2013
I don't think your feelings of hurt are wrong or out of line. Just that you will need, for now, to process them elsewhere than hoping your BS will comfort you. I am not saying hide your broad hurt, but you will have to rely on parts of your support system that does not include her.
I lost it on my guy last week. I know it hurt him a lot.
painfulpast ( member #41038) posted at 10:12 PM on Monday, December 23rd, 2013
I am honest about my thoughts as I start to reevaluate the EA.
What kinds of things are you telling her?
And I absolutely would not tell her that she's making you feel like xF did, and that you don't like that. From reading your posts, your xF cheated on you. You've made your BS feel the way you did. You know what she's going through. Please don't add that she's making you feel bad. It's just not the time.
DDay - 12/2010
Fully R'd - I love my husband
Kap12 ( member #41759) posted at 2:28 AM on Tuesday, December 24th, 2013
Give her time. Her wounds are fresh and although you know how you feel she is still working through those feelings herself. There are going to be good and bad days and hopefully you both don't have bad days at the same time. "My great grandmother always said If you never fall out of love with each other at the same time you can make it last a lifetime."
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