Tonight she told me that I should just go back and see if things might workout between us. She said that she didn't want to be my second choice. When she lashes out like that in anger it really hurts and triggers memories of how my xF treated me with the emotional push and pull.
How do I deal with these feelings and am I justified in feeling hurt? I do know that she is right to be angry and hurt, but do I have a right to say that I am hurt by what she says and does?
She said that she didn't want to be my second choice.
I said this so many times and I hope you can understand, under the circumstances, how hard it is to believe otherwise. It will come, but it takes a lot of convincing.
do I have a right to say that I am hurt by what she says and does?
You of course have a "right". They are your feelings. But honestly, she may not have too much sympathy for your "hurting" at the moment. FWH did not expect any sympathy for a very long time and in fact would get upset when I offered it. I could see he was hurting over certain things, but if I offered sympathy he didn't like it. He didn't feel he deserved it.
Now it's different. We comfort each other. But it took a while before the focus shifted from me to him and then us (marriage).
Yes it hurts you, and yes us BS WANT to hurt our WS. After all, they've hurt us, and the problem with an affair is the hurt just goes on and on. Not like a broken leg you can recover from after a few months.
That's not to say the lashing out should go on in perpetuity. At some point if R is going to happen a BS has to accept what's happened and slow down on the verbal. I apologised frequently to my H for some of the things I said, and the tone of voice I used, but most of the time he said he deserved it and was sorry.
Unfortunately you'll just have to accept that your W has to get a lot of anger out of her system, even if you do feel hurt. Believe me, sitting on those feelings rather than letting them out is like sitting on a pressure cooker, which can only be kept under wraps for so long until it explodes.
I am honest about my thoughts as I start to reevaluate the EA. Then she lashes out at me.
Try to see her lashing out as an expression of her pain. If she didn't love you she wouldn't be there and it wouldn't hurt her. Lashing out is so much better than indifference.
Keep being honest. Hang in there. Don't get defensive. Face her pain. Realize it what you did to her.
It gets better. I promise.
I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️
I lost it on my guy last week. I know it hurt him a lot.
I am honest about my thoughts as I start to reevaluate the EA.
What kinds of things are you telling her?
And I absolutely would not tell her that she's making you feel like xF did, and that you don't like that. From reading your posts, your xF cheated on you. You've made your BS feel the way you did. You know what she's going through. Please don't add that she's making you feel bad. It's just not the time.