BS here. Agree totally with heforgotme. Unless you've bee a BS, it's impossible for you to understand the depths of hurt inflicted by an A. I can't believe some of the verbal lashings I've given My fWH. Still feel like doing it sometimes (19 months out) but I try and control it better these days.
Yes it hurts you, and yes us BS WANT to hurt our WS. After all, they've hurt us, and the problem with an affair is the hurt just goes on and on. Not like a broken leg you can recover from after a few months.
That's not to say the lashing out should go on in perpetuity. At some point if R is going to happen a BS has to accept what's happened and slow down on the verbal. I apologised frequently to my H for some of the things I said, and the tone of voice I used, but most of the time he said he deserved it and was sorry.
Unfortunately you'll just have to accept that your W has to get a lot of anger out of her system, even if you do feel hurt. Believe me, sitting on those feelings rather than letting them out is like sitting on a pressure cooker, which can only be kept under wraps for so long until it explodes.