The Christmas cards with happy, smiling families keep arriving, the letters that tell of family vacations and joyous activities are agony. My holiday letter would tell the story of my asshole husband traveling to Asia on business and having a coworker set up an inappropriate dinner with 2 women. From that dinner began the EA, then the PA one month later. His guilty manner when he returned home gave him away.
My family isn't happy, my life sucks. I'm miserable. I didn't deserve this pain, this rejection, I can barely function right now I'm so fearful my kids will figure something out. I don't want to ruin this holiday for them, but I just don't know what to do. Please help. I'm sobbing as I type this. I just can't cope.
"Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer care"
Please make sure to be gentle with yourself. As hard as it seems right now, things will get better, no matter what path you walk down. This feeling of despair and great sadness will lessen with time.
Eat, drink lots of water and do things that make you feel good.
I'm really sorry you're hurting.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:16 AM, December 23rd (Monday)]
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
The first Christmas post Dday is incredibly hard.
Do the best you can and try to be content with that. The only reason my kids had a Christmas last year was bc a friend dragged me out shopping and helped me wrap. I was a zombie.
I have never been a fan of smug happy family cards. This year they've all gone straight in the bin. I'm doing presents for the kids and even for fwh but he has been carrying me through.
There is no pain like it.
I just console myself that I only have this first post dday Christmas once. I don't have to live the last 3 months again and I survived them. We can survive - this great place proves that.
Be nice to yourself. Do the bare minimum for Christmas. A lot of the traditions etc are not that important to our kids and burn the cards of the smug gits.
"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."
I am feeling the same way. I feel like I am ruining Christmas for the kids, because I just haven't been able to bring myself to do anything but go through the motions. And that's the best thing I can suggest, from my very limited experience... go through the motions.
One more saying be kind to yourself. Your kids are teenagers and it's OK for them to know that you're unhappy AND it has nothing to do with them. Trying to cover up your sadness may just make them less trusting.
Please be gentle with yourself.
I've found that my kids vastly prefer a low-key Christmas. The expectations I placed on myself were...well, misplaced.
You don't need bells and whistles to enjoy your kids on the holiday. There's no requirement that there be an elaborate meal, home-baked cookies, and carols.
Our Christmas looks a lot different than it used to look. We all like it lots more.
But damn, it was hard at first. (It gets better. It really does.)
I barely remember anything of my Christmas just 2 months after dday. As others have said, take care of yourself. Do not try to fix or resolve any issues during this busy time.
I'm trying to make it special for them but I can't find the energy to do so.
If your teens are like mine, they will find fun and memories with their friends during the holiday time off. Offer to let them have a movie night at your place. The noise and shuffle of teens in the house will help drown out other thoughts and be well worth the cost of soda and pizza.
One thing I came to lear as I progressed away from dday is that while my FWW's A and post dday behaviors were a HUGE issue for me, it was not as big a deal for other family members. They knew that there were problems, but then FWW and I had a dysfunction M for the years before dday too while she was having As and acting and thinking as a wayward.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 9:27 AM, December 23rd (Monday)]
I know exactly how you feel. I am in your exact situation, but I am a year out from d-day, and I'm here to tell you the pain will lessen. Please read and follow the 180, and detach, detach, detach!
Take care of yourself physically, do fun things with your friends, pray.
This is not a rejection of you at all. There are so many desperate women over there that know exactly how to rope in our stupid American husbands with their constant fawning over them, telling them they are so fantastic, so handsome, so smart. How they can't see through the manipulation is beyond me, but they can't or don't want to. The ego gratification is too strong of a pull.
But here's a funny for you (in a tragic sort of way)....I, too, sent out our usual 'happy family' Christmas cards this year, even though most of my friends and family know what's going on. I'm not going to let my WH's bad choices affect me and my kids!
You will survive this betrayal, and come out stronger in the end.
Thank you all for making my journey less painful! I am actually looking forward to Christmas Day!
[This message edited by jstbreathe at 9:52 AM, December 23rd (Monday)]
I think the other part of this that is hard is that when I go to my parents house, I'm expected to start cooking and relieving my mom of the burden of taking care of my dad. Normally I can step into that role with no problems, but I'm so overwhelmed this year and I'm resentful that she refuses to take advantage of the help that would make their lives so much easier. They know nothing of his betrayal so he will be the fantastic son in law and I will be barely hanging on.
Thanks for hearing me, I so need someone to support me, to love me.
I'm so sorry for your painful holiday!!
You do not deserve this.
Please be easy on yourself. Give yourself permission to mourn! It is a sad time, more so because of some of the forced joy. Many people are struggling just like you, no matter the happy happy chirstmas card facades. You are very much NOT alone.
So do the best you can for your kids, and maybe that includes some openness with them. Only you know the answer to that! And as for the rest, mourn as you need to and then go see a movie or whatever you can do to distract you, bring you some of the very real joys that are available to us that are not about the betrayal. You and your life are much more vast than the betrayal. Engage that part of you in the world if you can. Actively value YOU. And then curl up in bed and cry when you need to.
Sending strength, self compassion and healing to you!!!