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AFrayedKnot posted 12/23/2013 10:13 AM

Someone here had/has a tag line that said something like

I will be damned if I let another woman reap the benefits of my blood, sweat, and tears

That is the kind of message i need to hear today. I am about to throw in the towel.

I am sick of living on hope. I need results to live on. My hope is fucking dead.

Deeply Scared posted 12/23/2013 10:16 AM

Chicho...

What happened?

nowiknow23 posted 12/23/2013 10:18 AM

((((((Chicho)))))) I remember the tag line. I'll see if I can find it.

Sending you strength.

Tred posted 12/23/2013 10:20 AM

I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become

Is that it? It's Mrs. Doubtfire's tag. Hope everything is ok mate.

AFrayedKnot posted 12/23/2013 10:29 AM

DS...nothing happened thats the problem.

As soon as the trauma pain calmed down all motivation disappeared. There has been no motivation to work on us in months. I voice my concerns. I say I'm not happy. I offer suggestions. And.....nothing

She says she is working on herself and I mostly believe her. I am sure she will come out healthy on the other end and make someone very happy. I'm just sick of waiting.

Deeply Scared posted 12/23/2013 10:42 AM

Do you think it's possible she's is suffering from some level of depression?

I'm not making excuses for her, jus wondering if that could be a contributor for her lack of motivation?

AFrayedKnot posted 12/23/2013 10:48 AM

I dont know. When I ask her she says she feels better than she has ever felt in her life.

5454real posted 12/23/2013 10:53 AM

I'm sorry to hear that brother. have you confronted her on her lack of actions? sending strength.

Eta lack of actions regarding the marriage.

[This message edited by 5454real at 10:58 AM, December 23rd (Monday)]

confused615 posted 12/23/2013 10:53 AM

(((((Chicho)))))


Im in the same place as you are, I think.

Im waiting..

LosferWords posted 12/23/2013 11:01 AM

Chicho... I'm sorry, man.

Do you think this might be a rut in this rough road that you have been treading?

I know you have fairly recently had a d-day antiversary, and the holidays can certainly exacerbate things as well. It does with me, anyway.

What work are you wanting her to do that she is not doing?

I'm really sorry that you are going through a rough time. Sending you strength.

jo2love posted 12/23/2013 11:01 AM

(((((Chicho)))))

I'm sorry. I hope it really sinks in for her on how your are feeling and motivates her to strengthen your marriage. Sending you strength and hope.

sisoon posted 12/23/2013 12:18 PM

Chicho,

It was only a couple of weeks ago, almost 3 years out, that I finally worked out that my best bet for R really was for my W to work on herself. Until then, my head knew it, but my heart rebelled. Her A was a symptom of larger problems, and working on the root causes has been a lot more effective than working on symptoms (like, how could she betray me) would have been.

At the same time, my W did respond positively when I asked for specific changes in behavior, and it sounds like you're not getting that.

I don't know were you'll go next, but as lousy as you feel, remember that staying in touch with yourself is part of healing, and I have no doubt that's what you're doing.

This is paramount: Have faith in yourself.

(((chicho)))

wifehad5 posted 12/23/2013 12:18 PM

I'm sorry you're hurting Chicho. I can remember going through something similar. At some point, our WS's have to work on their internal selves. The problem is, they've hid that part of them from us for a long time, so we don't really see it. As they work on that part, we don't or can't see the results as they happen. They are incremental and internal. The added pressure of the holidays and everything else can really pile on.

It's really hard to work on yourself and on the relationship at the same time. Full healing of each takes time too. It's frustrating I know, but it will be easier to work on the relationship once she's worked on herself for a bit.

confused615 posted 12/23/2013 12:21 PM

Im curious..she says she has never felt better, but clearly you are not feeling the same. Does she know you are not happy with her progress? If so, what has been her response?

bionicgal posted 12/23/2013 12:37 PM

Are you asking for what you need? Are you guys communicating well?

IGaveItMyAll posted 12/23/2013 12:43 PM

((Chicho)) I know how you feel man. I could have written this post for you. I think Sisoon is right on this.

Her A was a symptom of larger problems, and working on the root causes has been a lot more effective than working on symptoms (like, how could she betray me) would have been.

Its really hard waiting for the life you want and dream of while they are figuring out how to merely live. Soemtimes I too want to throw in the towel. Typically when I feel detatched emotionally and physically. MAybe you guys need to sit down and really reconnect. I know after a while you work so hard on the marriage then it starts to plateu a bit. But we have to remember to keep communicating and connecting.

Maybe see if she is suffering from depression. My W told me she felt fine for a long time then she would have a blow out and then be fine. I took a year for her therapist to diagnose her with depression. Anyway hang in there. I know its hard. Keep your motivation and spirits up.

AFrayedKnot posted 12/23/2013 13:01 PM

MAybe you guys need to sit down and really reconnect.

This is what I have been asking for. Its not a stuff. Its communication, intimacy, and quality time that disappeared.

We used to read together and do communication and relationship exercises. We used to share insights with each other. We used to make time for each other. We used to have regular date nights (even though she only planned one in 2 years) We used to work as a team. We are back to the disconnected preA parallel living that went on for years.

I have been regularly asking for these again and nothing. Its like she feels better than ever so why bother. Who care how I feel.

confused615 posted 12/23/2013 13:04 PM

So she is well aware that you feel you and the marriage are no longer a priority..and her response is that she has never felt better?

Ouch.

(((Chicho)))

IGaveItMyAll posted 12/23/2013 13:30 PM

This is what I have been asking for. Its not a stuff. Its communication, intimacy, and quality time that disappeared.
From what I experienced. We connected a lot with the pain and trying to heal through this. Once that kind of subsided we had a difficult time connecting on possitive things. I usually just tried to have deep conversations with her when I was feeling disconnected. It worked sometime.. sometimes not. Try do just be straight up with her. I have gotten to the point where if I feel things are off longer than a few days. I just tell my W "I feel disconnected with you. I don't like it and we need to talk (not just about surface BS like work) or go out." As far as dates, I used to think my wife should plan dates but when she did I felt not very masculine. I think its a man's job to take the reigns and lead the girl. What kind of work have you been doing on yourself?


But I do feel you. I want intimacy, Emotional connection and FUN back in our lives but I am doing this with a person that is depressed, can't control her emotions, Turned-Off, Doesn't want sex,constantly irritable, fatigued. Its hard. Sometimes I think I should just give up but sometimes its awesome. I am chosing to stick by her through this. BUT she is working on herself.

Lostinthismess posted 12/23/2013 13:50 PM

I'm sorry chicho. You've offered me some sound advice when I've been at my wits end. I hate to see the struggle :(

I voice my concerns. I say I'm not happy. I offer suggestions. And.....nothing

Dealing with some of the same here. ((Chicho))

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