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painfulpast posted 12/23/2013 10:22 AM

I'm posting this to all new members. This site is slow on non-working days, and with the holidays here, I expect it will be slower than normal for a week or so.

For some reason, the holidays seem to really bring out the discoveries of affairs. It's so very hard, and you may feel like you've done something wrong, or you deserve this, or if you had been a better XXXXX then this wouldn't have happened.

Please know this isn't true. Your spouse cheated because they have problems. They have very poor coping skills and took a very cheap way to feeling better. Even if your marriage wasn't great, even if you yelled and screamed and threw things and are as big as a house or as thin as a string and have big/small breasts/penis and are tall/short, blonde/brunette/redhead, outgoing/shy, etc., this is not your fault. Your spouse had hundreds of options, and they chose the most destructive one possible. They own this A, 100%. They could have talked to you, joined a club with people of similar interests, gone to counseling, looked for a new job, and if nothing else worked they could have left. Instead they left you in the dark and found someone as broken inside as they are and had an affair.

Never, in the history of the world, has a marriage been saved by an affair. Never has dragging a horrible problem into your life improved your life. Never. The decision to cheat was the wrong one, on every level. It is a decision made by people that are incapable of discussing how they feel, what they need, who they are. Instead they lie, sneak around, and do things that the average person would find reprehensible. This is their fault. You did not cause this.

Please take care of yourself. Often eating and sleeping are impossible. Get some Boost or Ensure shakes for nutrition. It isn't the best nutrition, and some food is best, but the 'infidelity diet' is very real, and getting some nutrition is very important. You need it to keep your brain functioning as well as your body, and you will want to remember things from these critical first few days.

Your doctor can prescribe some anti-anxiety medication. It helps, trust me. It won't solve all of your problems, but it will take the edge off slightly and allow you to cope better.

Sleep is very important. Sleep is often difficult and broken after the discovery of infidelity. Some can't sleep at all, others can sleep only for a few hours. Some over the counter sleeping aid can help tremendously. Again, you need sleep for a clear head.

If there is another betrayed spouse on the other end of this affair, please tell him/her. You would want to know if they had been the one to discover the A. Yes, giving them this news will hurt them, just as it's hurt you, but again, would you rather not know? Of course not. Please tell them. Do NOT tell your spouse you'll be informing the OBS. They will warn the AP (affair partner) who will tell OBS that you are crazy, jealous, out to get him/her, etc. Just find them and let them know. Offer proof, because no one wants to believe their spouse cheated. Giving them the truth isn't hurting them. Their spouse hurt them. You are just giving them the real truth about their life. Also, and this is big, you will have a partner that will also be watching what the affair partners are doing. If you are the only one watching, it is very easy for them to take the A underground. If another is watching? It becomes much harder. Telling is a very good thing for many reasons.

If you have a job, take a day or two off if you can. You need to really get yourself together, and the first few days are so mind numbing that some real rest is needed. If you'd rather work to keep your mind occupied, then do so, but if not, then speak with your boss to see what is available.

Find a counselor. Counseling helps so much. I never thought it would, but it does. Having someone to talk to that isn't judging or gossiping, or protecting themselves, is wonderful. There are some great ICs out there, and some not so great. Find one that you like and are comfortable with.

Stay away from OM/OW! They are not your friend. They slept with a married man/woman. They are not good people while in the A at least. They will lie to protect themselves, to minimize what happened, to avoid you telling their BS, and a variety of other reasons. Cheaters lie - and that is not just for your spouse, but the other person as well. This person, OM/OW, cannot help you. They have nothing to offer you, and speaking to them will get you lies, or hurt. They can say some very cruel, hurtful things. They want your spouse. Remember that! They are of NO use to you. They aren't important, either. Your spouse and his reasons for cheating are important. AP was just someone that stroked their ego and made them feel wanted, which is why they had the affair most likely.

Recovering from an affair is hard, and it hurts. The generally accepted time frame is 2 - 5 years to fully heal. You've been betrayed by the one person you thought was there for you no matter what. Your world has been torn apart by this news. You are no longer sure of anything anymore. You will wonder if your entire marriage is a lie. The answer here is no. WSs 'rewrite' the marital history. They tell themselves they aren't happy, that they deserve this, that BS is not nice/doesn't love them/is a bad person/they shouldn't have married them/etc. They do this because if they admit to themselves they have betrayed a good person that loves them, then they are pure scum. To accept themselves, they turn you into scum in their minds, and the marriage into a living hell. It's untrue, but they may say these things to you to justify what they've done. Try to ignore it. It hurts, but please understand it isn't true. You were there too. You know the truth.

I'm so sorry that you've discovered this betrayal by your spouse. It's not fair, and there is no logic to it. It isn't your fault.

I'm sure I've forgotten many things. I hope other members will chime in with anything I've forgotten. Thank you.

bufffalo posted 12/23/2013 11:26 AM

Good advice.....I concur.

Bufffalo

million tears posted 12/23/2013 11:37 AM

Great post.

If you haven't already confronted your WS, try to get as much proof as you can before you do. This will save you from TT and lies. Proof, proof, proof. They can't deny the proof. (although some try)

MaybeNothing posted 12/23/2013 12:02 PM

Thank you, I needed to read this today.

greengiant posted 12/23/2013 13:17 PM

I'll add that if you can't afford counselling, don't keep this to yourself. Find someone you can trust and won't judge you. If you want reconciliation, consider that talking to someone who knows you both may make him/her choose a "side". But don't go through this alone.

You will go through a lot of feelings, and you will find the roller coaster ride hard, but you will eventually feel better. Go through what you are feelings, or it will be eventually explode.

And trust your guts!

Calli0pe posted 12/23/2013 20:05 PM

Thank you for this.

jjct posted 12/23/2013 20:24 PM

I was served divorce papers on Christmas day.
Here at SI you are loved and supported.

Merry Christmas! I can actually say that.

You WILL survive!

Zayda1 posted 12/23/2013 20:35 PM

Great post!

justjim posted 12/23/2013 20:55 PM

You've been betrayed by the one person you thought was there for you no matter what. Your world has been torn apart by this news. You are no longer sure of anything anymore. You will wonder if your entire marriage is a lie. The answer here is no. WSs 'rewrite' the marital history. They tell themselves they aren't happy, that they deserve this, that BS is not nice/doesn't love them/is a bad person/they shouldn't have married them/etc. They do this because if they admit to themselves they have betrayed a good person that loves them, then they are pure scum. To accept themselves, they turn you into scum in their minds, and the marriage into a living hell. It's untrue, but they may say these things to you to justify what they've done. Try to ignore it. It hurts, but please understand it isn't true. You were there too. You know the truth.

I need to have this tattooed on my forehead. This is EXACTLY what she has done.

Jrazz posted 12/23/2013 21:04 PM

Lovely post, painfulpast.

I'm here with hugs as much as I can be over the next few days.


(((SI)))

nolight posted 12/24/2013 05:16 AM

Great post! at this time of year when the lost and lonely find it hardest to cope and I'm so glad to see that someone has reached out with a reminder that people are not alone in their pain although this site will get a little quiet.

Depression and self harm are sadly prevalent over the holidays so many social and community services increase their manning. If you need help please reach out.

painfulpast posted 12/24/2013 05:59 AM

people are not alone in their pain

This^^^^^

We are not alone, and the new members that will have a DDay over the next few days are not alone either. This site has over 40,000 members. 40,000 people that have been affected by infidelity. No, none of us are alone.

Not all members still post, but many do. We will be here, sporadically, throughout the holidays. You are not alone. Please read some things in The Healing Library - found in the little yellow box on the upper left part of your screen. There are things there that are invaluable to know.


Thank you all for the kind words on the post - I just want people that are just arriving to have a little insight and realize this is not their fault.

Again - this is NOT your fault.

mchercheur posted 12/24/2013 06:07 AM

And please remember that you are not alone. We all know how you feel and have your back. Come here if you are hurting, it will help. It has been a lifesaver for me.

shiloe posted 12/24/2013 07:45 AM

If you haven't already confronted your WS, try to get as much proof as you can before you do. This will save you from TT and lies. Proof, proof, proof. They can't deny the proof. (although some try)

This is very important. I know how hard it is not to confront right away, but if you don't have undisputable proof, they will do/say any thing to make you doubt yourself.

Keep posting here, you will get amazing support.

Jules1111 posted 12/24/2013 07:50 AM

Beautifully written.

ziganska posted 12/24/2013 08:29 AM

Amazingly helpful--thank you so much!

lordhasaplan? posted 12/24/2013 09:10 AM

Perfect!
We try to get out to help over the holiday. But if you have read this far also visit the healing library. Great resources for JFO newbies while others aren't around.

sudra posted 12/25/2013 06:29 AM

Just bumping this up for anyone new here today - before it falls off of the page!

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