So last night we went to church for a special Christmas service and at one point about half way through I look over and see tears coming down her face. I put my arm around her and just rubbed her shoulder as my eyes watered up as well. Afterwards we had a family function to attend so nothing was said. When we got home she went immediately to bed and said she just wanted some peace and quiet. I asked if everything was ok and she said yes.
Disclaimer: I am a terrible communicator and never know what to do or say in these situations. She has been talkative this morning but not about anything pertaining to our situation. Not sure if I should bring it up or not or even ask her again if she is ok?
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Relax, everything’s out of control” – Adi Da Samraj
I went through an identical situation - 2 nights ago at dinner i got the response 'i am okay' when i enquire to how she is doing regarding us. I apologized and conveyed my gratitude ....
At home, she suggests watching a movie - she can't pick one - so i take a long time to pick and we finally decide on one …. not sure if this is a missed opportunity to talk to her.
She says she is tired, yawning, etc and sleeps till noon on sunday. I do apologize for making her so mentally tired. So, i go about my day - since she didn't appear to be mad - just tired.
Kids are with in-laws … not sure if i should have left them there to talk …. possibly another missed opportunity?
She sleeps the rest of the day into this morning - and she appears to be hurting this morning ….
I am horrible with reading these situations and i am even worse at responding appropriately. And then on top of that i am torn between responsibilities to kids and my BW ….
[This message edited by qwerty2012 at 1:21 PM, December 23rd (Monday)]
It doesn't take much. Just acknowledge. If you, out of the blue, just say, "I'm so sorry for all the pain I've caused you", or "I will never forget what I did to you. It will never be ok," that will always be appropriate, IMO.
We watched The Nativity movie last night, and I triggered the whole way through it. I'm watching Joseph look at Mary, and I'm imagining my WH looking at OW. It doesn't make sense, but it's everywhere, all the time.
It's never too late to bring it up. Maybe don't ask her if she's ok. She's not ok, and you have to know that she is not ok. And that's just a yes/no question... it's like asking, 'Do I need to engage you right now, or can I just go about my business?' Engage her. Take the initiative and show her that you WANT to know what she's thinking and feeling, even if it's painful for you to hear. Maybe ask her what it was that made her trigger at the service.
You can't take away her pain. But you were there for her--and that is big.
Good luck to you!
Edited for typos
[This message edited by AML04 at 12:45 PM, December 23rd (Monday)]
I sent her a text today to say she was on my mind and that if there was anything at all I could do for her I would do it.
I think with where she is at right now the best thing is to just be there for her as others have said and let her come to me when she is ready to talk. I think my problem in these instances is I think I have to say something to help. I feel the need to try and "fix" the problem. I'm glad that the consensus here is to just be there for her. I can do that.
D-Day, June 10, 2012