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Yesterday Antiversary #2... So Begins Year 3

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TimeToManUp posted 12/23/2013 11:39 AM

So yesterday was our second antiversary. After much trepidation and anxiety about how things would play out in the weeks leading up to it, it was pretty much a non-event (on the surface!!). I am sure that TCD’s mind was a whirlwind of thoughts, feelings and fears. But she worked through it.

We had a lot to do yesterday. DD8 had a hockey game at 9:30 about an hour from home. We’re supposed to be there a half hour early, so we had to get everybody out the door by about 8:00 AM. Not that it was extremely early, but we don’t often need to get everybody moving at that hour.

The game was good, we had a good time there. We left the game and I dropped the family off at home so that I could do some more last minute shopping. All the while I was stunned by how well she seemed to be (at least on the surface!!) working through what had to be an incredibly difficult day for her. I went to Target while TCD made sugar cookies with the kids. Of course Target didn’t have what I was looking for… Actually, they did, but only one of the two I needed. I drove to a few other stores and another Target looking to put an end to the Christmas shopping.

I came home and passed out on the couch for a little bit. Then we went out for dinner. Usually Sundays we would be at my parents’ house for dinner, but this weekend my parents were otherwise occupied, so we took the opportunity to maybe start a little Christmas tradition of our own. We went to eat, went to look at Christmas lights then came home and watched Mickey’s Christmas Carol. I think it was the first time the kids have seen it, and I think they enjoyed it even if they didn’t quite get the message.

Oh, almost forgot that while I was out shopping our old decrepit dog got out and was wandering the streets. Since she was excited she was foamy, since she has neurological issues she was spinning in circles. She’s deaf. She’s blind. Long story short, people saw her and thought she was rabid, so animal control took her away. TCD realized the dog was gone, saw the side gate was open and immediately ran off to find her. A guy on the street saw her frantic search and informed her of what had happened. So she called the police, they said they had the dog and brought her back. Just a little excitement to spruce up the antiversary!

Ugggh, I feel like I got very disjointed and unfocused here, but I’m doing this at work and there are a lot of distractions.

I’m sure I’m leaving out details. The main point is, I know that no matter how calm TCD may have seemed yesterday, I’m sure that there was a maelstrom of emotion raging inside her tired mind. One day that may not be the case; one day that calm exterior may more accurately represent what is going on inside her. But it is too early for that, our most recent quarrels are still too fresh for that to be the case. There is still far too much unresolved for her to be at peace. If she calmed herself for her own peace of mind, then I am proud of her. If she kept a “happy face” for me, then I am grateful and thankful for what must have been a tremendous effort. If it truly was just not that much of a struggle, then I hope that she is finding her way, one step at a time, to healing the wounds I have inflicted upon her.

One other note: I got stuck working in the office today. TCD gets very anxious on the odd days that this happens. My work by nature is field work, and I rarely need to be at the office for more than an hour or two in the morning to receive my job assignments. Due to the (brief) slowdown here heading into Christmas and the giant raincloud over the Atlantic Coast, there was not much work to be done today and I got left without an assignment and am sitting at my desk. I hate being here. I hate how it makes me feel. And as bad as I feel, as uneasy as I feel, I know it is so much worse for TCD. There is no reason for COW to enter our department’s office, and it has never done so to my knowledge, but the fact of the matter is that it could. I understand how nerve-wracking that must be for TCD. I’ve done what I can to ease her mind, but really… There just is no calming her. I would gladly go stand in the rain rather than be sitting in here wrought by anxiety, inducing even worse feelings in TCD. God, this sucks. 3:30 just can’t come fast enough.

Once again, I apologize for the rambling nature of my post. Thanks for reading.

painfulpast posted 12/23/2013 14:49 PM

BS here. You're putting a lot of thoughts and emotions onto TCD without her having said a word or acting differently. It might have been a non-event for her. Honestly, there really is no magical hour to remember the day we find something out. It's just that - the day we got the truth (or the start of it). The first day the A started? That's a depressing day. The first "I love you"? That's depressing. The day we discover something? Eh, year one was a 'big' deal. Year two I forgot about it. 3 days later I said "Oh yeah that was Monday" or something like that. With the holidays about (my DDay is soon) there are so many other things to tend to.

I'd be a little more reserved thinking you're in TCD's mind. Also, if you are right, and her mind was all over and she really was hurting, why did you leave to go shopping? You've decided you know what she's thinking, and yet you didn't step up to help ease that?

I'm a BS, so you can take this or leave it, because I mean it in a helpful way only - if you think she's having a tough time, be there. Don't run around town while making assumptions of her thoughts. You thought all day she was a wreck internally. If you think that, skip the shopping.

Most importantly, ask. Don't assume anything. Just ask.

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