I am so very different and I hate it. Sometimes I see just a very tiny glimpse of the old me but, she doesn't visit very often.
Part of it is my personality. I always want to be in control. I want to drive, I want to hook up my own horse trailer, I want to brush and saddle my own horses, I want to feed my own horses.....I haven't rode any of my horses since Dday and have sold most of them. They were my life, always have been and now I could give a shit. I only feed them now because the youngest moved out and I had to go get mine from the trainer (he almost killed her but, thats another story.). But, now I just see them as helpless animals that need me to take care of them. I find no real joy in it.
Since I couldn't "control" that my husband cheated, I'm losing my mind. Stupid, I know. I have a counselor.
And the other part is he cheated when I was with my horses. That's why I want nothing to do with them.
He says that's not true and yes, he did cheat when I was home but, he cheated EVERY SINGLE TIME I was gone with the horses after the A started. Even made it easy for me to go places. Sent me and the DD 4 states away to a show that cost thousands of dollars (yet he was always saying how broke we were). During that little trip was when he brought the whore to our house and our bed!!! I went to a show that kept me away from home until 2am. That was the perfect time for him to stay in town late with his whore. HE arranged for me to run someone elses horse way down state. I didn't want to go but, he made it to where I couldn't say no to the people. That trip took me 36 hours. That was the night he took the whore to a motel. etc, etc, etc....
So all of that is why horses no longer bring me the joy they once did. He tells me I will ride again. I say what's the point? I can't ever leave again. My head would be a mess and I wouldn't ride worth a crap anyway. And as much as I loved to ride. I also rode to win. And (yes, I know this is unhealthy) if I don't have a chance to win, I don't want to play.
Did he ruin me?
He ruined the very heart and soul of my life.
Will I ever ride again?
I think I will but, sadly it will more than likely only be if I leave him.
Will I survive?
Yes but, right now (duh, as if it doesn't show) I'm still very bitter and hurt.
Will WE survive?
I don't know. We are trying and in MC. As they say, time will tell.
If you read all this, thanks so much for your time
Him: doesn't matter anymore
D-day 14 June 2013
I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!