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thecosmogirl posted 12/23/2013 12:06 PM

I am so very different and I hate it. Sometimes I see just a very tiny glimpse of the old me but, she doesn't visit very often.
Part of it is my personality. I always want to be in control. I want to drive, I want to hook up my own horse trailer, I want to brush and saddle my own horses, I want to feed my own horses.....I haven't rode any of my horses since Dday and have sold most of them. They were my life, always have been and now I could give a shit. I only feed them now because the youngest moved out and I had to go get mine from the trainer (he almost killed her but, thats another story.). But, now I just see them as helpless animals that need me to take care of them. I find no real joy in it.
Since I couldn't "control" that my husband cheated, I'm losing my mind. Stupid, I know. I have a counselor.
And the other part is he cheated when I was with my horses. That's why I want nothing to do with them.
He says that's not true and yes, he did cheat when I was home but, he cheated EVERY SINGLE TIME I was gone with the horses after the A started. Even made it easy for me to go places. Sent me and the DD 4 states away to a show that cost thousands of dollars (yet he was always saying how broke we were). During that little trip was when he brought the whore to our house and our bed!!! I went to a show that kept me away from home until 2am. That was the perfect time for him to stay in town late with his whore. HE arranged for me to run someone elses horse way down state. I didn't want to go but, he made it to where I couldn't say no to the people. That trip took me 36 hours. That was the night he took the whore to a motel. etc, etc, etc....
So all of that is why horses no longer bring me the joy they once did. He tells me I will ride again. I say what's the point? I can't ever leave again. My head would be a mess and I wouldn't ride worth a crap anyway. And as much as I loved to ride. I also rode to win. And (yes, I know this is unhealthy) if I don't have a chance to win, I don't want to play.
Did he ruin me?
He ruined the very heart and soul of my life.
Will I ever ride again?
I think I will but, sadly it will more than likely only be if I leave him.
Will I survive?
Yes but, right now (duh, as if it doesn't show) I'm still very bitter and hurt.
Will WE survive?
I don't know. We are trying and in MC. As they say, time will tell.

If you read all this, thanks so much for your time

FaithFool posted 12/23/2013 12:12 PM

Personally I'd take horses over a lying cheating arsehole any day. But I get where you are coming from, sweetie, you're triggering (oh the awful puns we could get from this theme... I'm a Roy Rogers girl since I was old enough to hold a toy sixgun) on them and that's a wound that will take a long time to heal.

I'm sorry he took that away from him, but it will only continue if you allow it to.

It's going to take time, but you will get that back someday. And maybe it will be a different relationship with them. Instead of riding to win, you might start riding just for the sheer therapy of being with the herd again.

Maybe you won't ride, maybe you'll just hang out and really get into how they interact with each other. I would give my left arm to be able to go out to a barn and just hang with the herd. I love the scent of them, everything about them is noble and good (well except for the bad apples who have been mistreated, but that's not their fault).

I'm rambling, but I just wanted you to know I feel your hurt and your pain.

Big huge hugs. Don't get rid of your saddle just yet. I have a feeling you'll get back on eventually.

sisoon posted 12/23/2013 12:46 PM

cosmo,

I think you're probably still in shock from being betrayed. At this point, you know very little about what your future will be.

You know, however, that in the past you loved riding, and you probably loved your horses. As you recover from the trauma of being betrayed, you may very well find that love again. (In fact, given what our culture says about girls and horses, I guess it's likely - you may be a woman now, but there's still a little girl inside. )

So be kind to yourself. Feel your feelings. Let the future come naturally. If you do the work necessary for your healing, you'll either be a cowgirl again, or you'll become something you like better.

Skan posted 12/23/2013 18:30 PM

Hey, I'm so sorry that he took something so powerful from you. I can empathize with your love of riding. I finally sold my last horse a few years ago, after a life time spent doing everything from fox hunting sidesaddle in the field, to endurance racing, 3-day evening (very low level), and doing police mounted patrol. You want to see a photo of my last horse, go to the Just Found Out forum and look at the He Cheated Because of What I Drove thread.

If you need to, thin down the herd a bit, but remember, the horses don't mind if you let them sit in a pasture for a year or so. They'll be just as happy and you can still go out to the, groom, breathe in their good smells, and cry into their manes. Pull back and just do what you can, for now. Be kind to yourself, and let the herd be kind to you. Relax into their rhythms, and rest in their living in the here and now. There's a lot that any animal can teach us humans, who get so wrapped up in our heads and minds. Lessons about time. About being present in every moment. About grief and acceptance. (((hugs)))

Chrysalis123 posted 12/23/2013 19:26 PM

I am a horsewoman too. NPD-x triangulated me with my dear friend that owned the place where I kept my horses.

It was a double betrayal to me, when my friend blamed me. I had no where else to take my horses so they stayed for a year, and I only went out very occassionally to check on them (I knew she would never harm a horse).

As soon as she sold the place I was back to riding. All the way back. I apologized to my horses and as always they loved me right back.

With time, your passion will come back.....just.takes.time. Please be gentle with yourself.

((Cosmogirl)))

PS.. I get the showing to win too. No sense wasting all that money if you know you don't have a shot.