Do you still have feelings for the OM? I think it's tough realizing someone else has moved on. But he has, and you should too.
I will commentate that the view you get of his marriage is highly negative. He was simply baiting you when he complained about how oh so horrible and mean his wife was. Could she have been mean? Sure, but I'm pretty sure due to the rewriting of history many WSes do to justify their As, the majority of it was pure bullshit.
I don't know your situation fully, but I'm going to assume it was bullshit. Every lie about his wife was ego kibble for you to munch on. "I'm so much better for him! *crunchcrunchnibble*" Because with certainty, this is what most likely happened.
Humor aside, this issue should be addressed. If you haven't made an NC letter, you should do so. Even if you never send it. And remember, NC means NC, even mentally. I struggle with thoughts of whether or not xAPs are suffering with their choices, but in the end, it doesn't matter. In order to heal, they have to be nothing to me. XAp won a million dollars? Who cares? XAP just had a family member die? Don't know them anyways.
[This message edited by pointofnoreturn at 3:30 PM, December 23rd (Monday)]
"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."
Thanks, pointifnoreturn. I appreciate you listening and your input.
[This message edited by aLostSoul at 3:40 PM, December 23rd (Monday)]
You are not alone. I can relate. I was where you are. And I still struggle to self acknowledge that my so called "love affair" was actually what it was: two broken people hiding on the island of misfit toys.
Processing my hurt, anger, and resentments hasn't been easy, and I've spun my wheels and regressed more than a few times. But I'm heading along the path toward indifference.
This isn't a popular topic here on SI or in our little Wayward corner. It brings out 2x4's in most instances. Some of us - usually longer term affair waywards - go really deep into the darkness, and our addiction and withdrawal takes epic amounts of help, growth, change...and letting go.
It does get better. I wish I'd had a thousand one night stands instead of one "epic love affair" - as recovery would have been so much easier (so I think).
Now back to my regularly scheduled programming, which is the "How can I live an authentic life with my beautiful wife" channel. I married my soulmate. And I cheated on her. Our love affair is what deserves my nurturing, attention, and energy. The love we share - is real.
Wishing you comfort and peace.
[This message edited by JustDesserts at 5:48 PM, December 23rd (Monday)]
I just wanted to give hugs, I'm right here beside you in the crazy struggle of a life.
lillbug20: telling your betrayed spouse about your infidelity will be the single most important step you take toward recovery and withdrawal.
WHEN do you plan to do this????????
I can relate. I am almost at a year past D-day and I think of OM often asking pretty much same questions as you. I just can't get my head around how this "love" wasn't real.
Then last night, I was quite sick (food poisoning) and felt awful. My H looked after me and held me and brought me medicine and helped me to the bathroom etc. I thought to myself, maybe I don't feel the burning passion and desire (right now) for my H but this is love. It has to be.
I'm starting to think perhaps it's our notion and perspective of love that needs to change in order for us to truly respect what we have?
How am I supposed to work on rebuilding my marriage if I can’t get the OM out of my head?
I struggle with this too but it's a very conscious process of flicking away any thoughts of the AP when they come. I just try to change my thought pattern or focus on something else. Sometimes I try to think of bad things about him to help associate negative thoughts with him.
My H and I have a very long way to go but we've started our journey. I'm left having to work on myself as he doesn't want to talk about the A and wants to heal without knowledge of it. I have to understand and respect his way of healing and just work on myself.
Just wanted to let you know, you're not alone. JD was right, this is a hard topic to talk about on SI and is usually met with 2x4's and a feeling that you "should not be feeling like this" and more focussed on your M.
This is the quick version of my story: my AP was a man I met at work. The PA lasted 3 months and the EA lasted another 9. He told me he loved me and I thought I loved him and we had something special.
When our A finally came out for good I confronted his BW with the truth....he denied everything and she chose to believe him. I resigned from my job and had to find a new preschool for my DD....he remains at the daycare...his son is still there and I'm sure his new child will also be there once he/she is born.
I have had NC with him since I talked to his BW. Like you I have struggled with the fact I got no closure....that he and I will never have that conversation. That I will never know if he really cared about me or not.
Recently another member gave me this advice....that if I think of him, to think of the worst absolute part of the A and DDay....the expression on my BH face when he found out, or taking my DD out of our home when BH kicked me out....any of these things are things I now think about if my mind goes to my xAP.
JD and trying have both said it already...this isn't always a popular topic in this forum and many times will get you 2x4s rather than support. But you aren't alone...many of us are suffering through the same thing as you.
Please pm me if you need to talk. I will be more than happy to try and help you get through this.
When I first came here, I too was still in a fog of blissful-angry-no closure-everything-is-about-the-OM.
Honestly. It is crazy talk.
You have wasted a year pining about, being angry, bitter, and what not. Is this how you want to spend your life?
I hear "but I can't help it...I can't stop these feelings." And that is simply not true. You make a choice. You choose to stop reliving this sordid time in your life. And when those thoughts creep in, you picture a STOP sign. Or snap a rubber band on your wrist.
Make no mistake. This was not a real relationship. It was an A with both of you betraying your families. He threw you under the bus. So what? Is rejection so hard to take? Sometimes we lose. Do you feel like you didn't win? No pretty way to have "closure" with an A when families are beig torn apart. You are so fortunate to still have yours. Many of us do not.
You barely mention your BH. How does he feel about all this ? Do you care how he feels about it?
I have been going to IC for the past year. I have recently switched because I don’t seem to be making much progress with him. I am also going to MC and that is a struggle. Just like trying33 said, my definition of love is warped. My brain has turned the definition of love into passion and excitement instead of commitment, kindness, patience etc. Funny thing is that I know this with my brain…but the memo hasn’t traveled to my heart. I understand that I was, well let’s be real…AM addicted to the excitement and passion of a forbidden love. I struggle with redirecting my brain to reality knowing that the man standing beside me through all of this is the person who deserves my love and attention. He is kind, thoughtful, attentive, a great father etc. However, we have never really had the passion I found with my OM. Maybe that’s why it was so addictive to me. However, now that I don’t have that passion anymore, I long for it and just don’t find it with my BH. He doesn’t deserve this, and I don’t know how to make myself fall in love with him again. Because right now with all of my self-loathing, I feel like he deserves way better than me. He tells me that as much as the A hurt him, losing me would be even more devastating.
My marriage has obviously not been great for some time. If it was, I wouldn’t be in this situation. I have adjusted by being ok with living with a roommate. We communicate to make sure the kids get where they need to be. We occasionally have gut-wrenching conversations about what my actions have done to him as well as to our family. But for the most part, I have learned to deal with my innermost thoughts by myself. My sister asked me the other day “Do you look forward to Kyle (name changed) coming home?”. The answer is no, not really. When he gets home that’s when I have to deal with my guilt and shame face to face. I feel like a monster. I talked to my counselor about doing the “right thing”. God would want me to reconcile my marriage. So I will put my feelings aside and force myself to fall in love again and demand that I stay with my husband. At that point, my counselor says that I put others’ feelings ahead of my own and need to really look at what makes me happy. So now my counselor is telling me I shouldn’t try to fall in love with my husband again? I feel pulled in too many directions. And how can I really give my marriage a fair chance when I am thinking about the OM?
I appreciate the suggestions to rid myself of the thoughts of the OM and the A and the lies that I talked myself into being real. At this point, that’s where I need to focus so I can forgive myself, love myself and in turn focus on the love I have for my BH and give both of us a full, rich life together. Like JD said "How can I live an authentic life with my beautiful wife? (Husband in my case).
[This message edited by sunnyrain at 9:54 PM, December 28th (Saturday)]
It has taken me a very long time to realize the OM is broken. Had you asked me even a couple months ago, I would have said our A was about 2 good people who were only semi-happy in their marriages who happened to fall in love with each other and couldn't stop. I was blind to the manipulation. I really thought he meant what he said regarding his feelings for me and the frustrations with his wife. Oh how gullible and manipulated I was.
I think I am similar to you in that I seek validation. He provided that in several ways for me. He was complimentary of personal attributes in our A – sexy, beautiful, adventurous, empathetic etc. But he also provided validation about my abilities as his nurse – smart, productive, good with his patients, able to anticipate his needs etc. Now that I don’t have my job anymore, that is very difficult as well. It’s amazing to see how many people have gone through or are going through the same thoughts as me. I just pray that someday I will be the one handing out advice about how to put the past behind and actually use the experience as a growth opportunity to become a better you that what you would have been without it. I have seen changes in my thoughts since implementing some of the techniques suggested here. Where I once thought that driving by his house was ok, I now know it is a trigger and I have the POWER to stop myself from doing it. It may pop into my head, but I can decide to think about something else and not act on the urge.
texting and messaging where OM would compliment me, tell me how beautiful, sexy, amazing, funny, great I was and how much he loved me!
It's withdrawal. You are going to have to endure if you wish to get through this. Also, be honest with yourself - is it that you can't free your mind of him or is that you don't want to? Oftentimes, people say can't when they really mean want but don't have the strength to admit it.
[This message edited by MissesJai at 3:27 PM, December 27th (Friday)]
I totally feel your pain. It's not a fun place to be. You feel like you're in limbo, waffling between the affair and your marriage.
I can only say to follow the withdrawal advice being given here. It takes time.
I moved out over a year ago, got divorced back in June, and I still think about my AP. Often. So, I know how hard it is to stop.
I honestly think that the first 10 years of your childrens lives are the toughest on a marriage. You give to your kids and take from the marriage. You become partners that coparent. My husband is an incredible dad and husband but I dont feel any passion with him anymore. He is trying but I'm not wanting. He does not know about the affair, just that I've told him I'm not happy with our love life.
I am reading a lot. One book that I really liked is called How We Love, but really it made me think more about the OM and our weaknesses and how to fix those. However I think it's a great book. One that has been recommended is Passionate Marriage. I started that one. I think that is perfect for aLostSoul and me because we both have spouses that want us, we just need to want them back. I'm hoping to find a fix but my heart is not in right now and I'm giving mixed messages to my husband.
I honestly don't think it will take that long for me to get over the OM because while we shared an amazing 8 months together I see that he is a coward and a total avoider of any emotions. In the beginning he made me feel fantastic, but that slowly faded and when I felt insecure he did nothing to reassure me yet still wanted to see me. I know deep down that we had a connection but I will not be with someone that is afraid to admit to it. Yes it was messed up but own up to how you feel. I hate playing games. It reminds me of Ross and Rachel from friends. So frustrating seeing all the miscommunication. Just get together already. I hate that stuff. So I was honest and he is an avoider and can't deal with that stuff.
I think time does heal. I do think about him all the time right now but I'm also very hurt and mad at him for being the way he is. I'm trying to focus my anger on him to help me move on. It's been less than a week so feelings are still very strong and raw. I see my kids and try to tell myself to focus on them but all I want is to be swept away to the world where it feels good again.