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User Topic: WS showing signs of Jealousy
LostSamurai
♂ 41347
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW has claimed that her affairs are over. The interesting thing is that I told her about a co-worker (contractor) that I work with now and now she is jealous.

She had multiple affairs and now she is jealous. She had sex with two men, one a LTA and I work with some woman at work, yes, she looks pretty, yes, I talk to her, but in a professional setting even though there have been comments made that seem like it could be dangerous but I have BOUNDARIES in Place to avoid inappropriate contact or discussions...for now.

She actually said she was Jealous because she gets to spend time with me.

I told her today I have to work late, remind you she is staying with her parents with our daughter and I am home by myself at our house, I told her I am working late and she had the nerve to ask if this woman is working late as well. She is actually out of town...

Did any of your WS get jealous all of a sudden.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
painfulpast
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It amazes me how the thought of us doing what they did - all the sneaky thrills, all the sex talk, all the sexual innuendo, and them loving every second of it - kills them inside. They can't for a second stand the thought of us acting like that, turning another person on, wanting someone else.

The hypocrisy is staggering on this one. They did it, and then accuse us of doing it. Honestly, you have to wonder where the hell they get off sometimes.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
LostSamurai
♂ 41347
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It amazes me how the thought of us doing what they did - all the sneaky thrills, all the sex talk, all the sexual innuendo, and them loving every second of it - kills them inside. They can't for a second stand the thought of us acting like that, turning another person on, wanting someone else.
The hypocrisy is staggering on this one. They did it, and then accuse us of doing it. Honestly, you have to wonder where the hell they get off sometimes.

(((painfulpast)))

I told her when we went to MC after DDAY 1 that I feel vulnerable and I want to be open and honest and that there is there girl, who has been talking to me so she understand that I am trying to protect our Marriage. I honestly could see the conversations that we were having could lead to an Affair. She then had the nerve to ask me why I didn't tell her about her earlier.

Hello! You were screwing someone else and weren't showing me any love or respect!

[This message edited by LostSamurai at 3:10 PM, December 23rd (Monday)]


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
numb&dumb
♂ 28542
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes it seems to be quite common. She is projecting onto you.

My W once freaked out (before Dday) because a female friend of mine from my gym asked me out for coffee to discuss a workout plan with her. The gym is near a Starbucks and we both work out in the AM. The overreaction left me puzzled, only later, did it make sense.

Rage, screaming, threatening to take the kids and move out, etc. Little did I know she had already cheated on me. I just had not found out yet. Guilt is a funny thing.

Their own guilt drives them to it. The ones that are less than healthy tend to "hope," that you mess up too. Then you can't speak to it in the same guilt inducing way. Because "you did it too." OR as a means to request the same transparency they are required to give. You know that way they can resume the "score keeping."

The third flavor assumes that you will cheat at some point to get "even." This is rooted in insecurity or looking at our situation through a wayward type mindset. Not everyone gives in, even in the right (wrong) circumstances.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2570 | Registered: May 2010
7yrsflushed
♂ 32258
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's projection. They assume everyone is like them and will do the same things they did. My STBXWW did the same thing. I handed my phone to my STBXW and said you know the code, feel free to search through anything you want. I then told her "I actually heard, understood and respected my wedding vows unlike some people." It didn't matter, she still thought I was cheating. She even gave me a line about her being really hurt if I developed feelings for someone else. Yeah, I just walked away on that one. There is no way I was walking into that circle jerk of a discussion that included trying to explain to her how her "wittle" hurt feelings over some imaginary A that wasn't happening even remotely compared to ACTUAL/REAL/PROVEN 3 year LTA she had with her coworker.

Anyway I said all this to say, your WW behavior is painfully normal. It's more selfish behavior. It's the I can fuck you over however I want but you can't do it to me mentality. See, crazy making. Don't fall into that trap.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1943 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
cl131716
♀ 40699
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It amazes me how the thought of us doing what they did - all the sneaky thrills, all the sex talk, all the sexual innuendo, and them loving every second of it - kills them inside. They can't for a second stand the thought of us acting like that, turning another person on, wanting someone else.
The hypocrisy is staggering on this one. They did it, and then accuse us of doing it. Honestly, you have to wonder where the hell they get off sometimes.

I wish there was a like button because I so very much love this! My WH was the KING of hypocrisy and double standards. I can not count how many times he has accused me of talking to someone, cheating on him, or even thinking about someone in the three years we've been together. I am guessing it is in the hundreds if not nearing a thousand. That is NOT an understatement. Yet, he had no issue doing the things he did and considers himself "loyal and faithful". Gah!


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
overandone
39162
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was actually propositioned twice before I had any idea of the LTA, when our marriage was in a pretty bad place. Both times I said no, the second one was an incredibly tempting proposition. I told my H this had happened but not who was involved. He was quite annoyed that I wouldn't tell him, but I pointed out to him he had no right to know as I made sure nothing happened. It's been quite funny watching him quietly trying to work out who it was without asking me directly - just more than slightly relevant questions about various men I have worked or played sport with, or just know socially..The devilish bit in me enjoys seeing him wonder...

But I've no intention of going there, the 'tempting prospect' is now happily married and I wouldn't dream of rocking that boat. And R is mostly going well for us.


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
Unagie
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just going against the grain here on one thing. I agree a lot of the jealousy happens due to fear our own actions will be reflected back at us but it is not necessarily because we think it'll make us even. For those with remorse the guilt, the disgust makes us think we deserve the same or worse....I truly thought if he had an A it was nothing less then what I deserved. Yes I was jealous of him going out and spending time with other women because I thought he would have a RA. Unfortunately I was right and it did destroy what was left of me. Lost and all others posting please don't think I am accusing any of you of being capable of an A I just wanted to give a perspective from a FW.

Also Lost this bothers me a little

I work with some woman at work, yes, she looks pretty, yes, I talk to her, but in a professional setting even though there have been comments made that seem like it could be dangerous but I have BOUNDARIES in Place to avoid inappropriate contact or discussions...for now.

Those comments do not coincide. Comments made that may seem dangerous and the for now part do not mesh with no inappropriate contact or discussions. Perhaps I am overstepping here but please be careful.

I hope it gets better.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss


Posts: 2811 | Registered: Oct 2012
LostSamurai
♂ 41347
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just to clear something's up:
Anyone can have an affair if they don't have boundaries in place.

I would not have an affair but what I was stating if my relationship/marriage doesn't work out withy my wife later down the road after some recovery I would admit that I would peruse this co-worker.

With that said I really want my marriage to work and want to reconcile and so I have boundaries in place to avoid this co-worker like the plague. I recognize I am vulnerable and wanting to be loved and wanting attention but I don't want to break my vows to do so. I want my wife's attention and love if there is any.

Truthfully I feel like I can not love another or anyone else will love me...


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Unagie
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost I am sorry if I struck a nerve I never meant to imply you would have an A. I know the feeling of never being able to love or be loved. Its been almost 1 year since his A's and they still sucker punch me out of nowhere. I truly just wanted to help you a little.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss


Posts: 2811 | Registered: Oct 2012
RealityStinks
♂ 41457
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW actually said something like "I wish you would just have an A so I could divorce you". It struck me as odd at the time (before D-day), but it makes perfect sense now.

Also, all the jealousy over the years about other women makes perfect sense now too. I have actually gotten "in trouble" for "looking" at a woman, wait for it, that was BEHIND me!

The last time we talked, she actually teared up when I said I would move on with my life, find someone else, and be happy. She said it saddens her to think of me with another woman. I was like, "well welcome to my hell".


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
Merlin
♂ 30221
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not long after we separated and I had filed, a lovely woman asked me out and I accepted. We had dinner and drinks. Not flouting this in any way - simply went to a decent place in a nearby town and enjoyed a night out.

It got back to my ex, who exclaimed to her mother - "boy, it sure didn't take him long!". I kid you not.

This from a woman who had been doing her bum at a dive bar and his flophouse apartment for over 6 months.

It never ceases to amaze me how waywards think (if you can call it thinking).


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Unagie
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I read I realize this may be a thread to vent on and I will back out now. Lost and all others I hope it gets better.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss


Posts: 2811 | Registered: Oct 2012
painfulpast
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unagie, it's not my thread, but I for one appreciated your comments. You said this:

Yes I was jealous of him going out and spending time with other women because I thought he would have a RA.

As a BS, I have to say this sounds extremely entitled. I don't want an affair. Not because I'm 'too good' for that, and not because I think it would 'even' us up. I just don't want one.

If I did, I wouldn't think it would make us even, but I sure a shit wouldn't think about his feelings one bit. He didn't care about mine, so if I decide that it seems fun, then he can kiss my ass. Is that a good attitude? No, it isn't, but seriously, he had his fun - all WSs did. It's extremely entitled and arrogant to run around afterwards being jealous. Why? What's the jealousy about? Because you know how sexual and fun it was?

It's infuriating. It really is. I'm not directing every thought at you Unagie. I'm simply giving ONE BS's point of view. Again, I really appreciate your input.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Huh. *If Only* I had led the exciting *double life* that stbx pictured in his head....instead of the hum-drum existence of the housewife reality.

My stbx has always been *jealous* and convinced that I was up to *no good.*

We were sitting in a group setting at a New Years Party 6 months after Dday. For some reason I showed my friend (a female) my red bra strap. I think I reached into my shirt and pulled it out (as opposed to lifting shirt up or pulling shirt off of my shoulder).....anyway. He got pissed about it and I was just like, "AYFKM????"
Then there was the time that we were on a road trip. As he was waking up from dozing in the passenger seat....a car moved from the left lane into the right lane (in front of us) and the guy raised his hand. Stbx demanded to know why the guy was 'waving' at me. *facepalm*
Then there was also the time that stbx saw a charge for a hotel room on the credit card bill and accused me of being a hypocrite......the hotel charge was HIS.

LS, your WW needs a lot of serious counseling to get a grip on her abandonment/insecurity issues. A Lot. You will never be able to do *enough* to make her feel secure if she doesn't get the issue worked out on her own. I know that you see your honesty as being....transparency.....but she's gonna freak the fuck out and hurl all kinds of mindfuck accusations at you until she gets a handle on her own shit. BTDT.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8252 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
LostSamurai
♂ 41347
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Comments from WS and BS are welcome. This thread is not just for venting. It's for shedding light on this issue from all perspectives.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Unagie
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Painfulpast thing is, it wasn't fun for me. It sounds ridiculous but I was a wreck and nothing about it was fun. It was the worst choice I ever made and my reason for being jealous is because he called me every shit name told me was better then me, that his morals were better and then I find out about not only his craigslist OW but about the fact that he was in love with someone else 8 years ago and probably always has been. Being a wayward doesn't make us immune to jealousy, hurt or pain. Being a betrayed doesn't mean wayward behavior is now acceptable or that it is okay to treat your WS in the same manner they treated you. Thinking my BS was going to have a RA came from his behavior anf thinhs said and maybe it seems entitled for me to not want him to cheat on me as well but its how I felt and when he did it detroyed what little my A had left behind.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss


Posts: 2811 | Registered: Oct 2012
painfulpast
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*I am answering this generally. I am not directing this at any WS in particular*

I'm sure not wanting to be betrayed is how a WS feels. It's exactly how a BS feels when we are blindsided out of nowhere and discover how brutally we've been betrayed. We did NOTHING to deserve it, nor did we see it coming, at all. We were basically hit by a mack truck from behind.

Being a betrayed doesn't mean wayward behavior is now acceptable or that it is okay to treat your WS in the same manner they treated you.

This is true. It's also true that being a wayward means you've put yourself in the position to be discounted should something arise that a betrayed feels like doing, because the WS discounted the BS for something he/she felt like doing. It may not seem fair to a wayward, but honestly, why should a betrayed offer more respect than they were given, unless it is expected that our morals ARE better, that we ARE better people, and that we are above waywards in general. Otherwise, why aren't we entitled to the same 'fun' that the wayward had. The difference is, the betrayed didn't drag this behavior into a relationship - the wayward did. The wayward may have been hit by the same mac truck, but they saw it coming a mile away because they started the engine.

Unagie, when your BS became a WS, it may have destroyed what little your A left behind, but when a BS becomes a BS without warning, provocation, or any other sign, it destroys everything for them. Everything.

It is extremely entitled for a WS to be 'jealous' of a BS. The thought process can only be "I can do what I want, but you need to respect our marriage". It's bullshit.

I'm not interested in cheating. Most BSs aren't. But for those that are, and do, it's really hard to crucify them. They are only doing what was told to them through actions was ok in their marriage.

Unagie, why didn't you want your BS to have an affair?

EDIT: Unagie, I am NOT trying to hurt you at all. I think this is a very interesting discussion, and I completely respect your willingness to take part in it. Should you choose not to, I will respect that too. Thanks

[This message edited by painfulpast at 6:56 PM, December 23rd (Monday)]


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Unagie
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly? Because I knew it would make it that much harder to heal us, I knew it would destroy him, I knes it would destroy what was left of him. It did all those things. I was not against him going out, having fun, hell I almost had a threesome with him because he told me it would help him heal but was I against him cheating on me yea I was. And honestly if reconciliation is the goal then how is you cheating okay? How is discounting your wayward supposed to help your relationship in healing? How is doing whatever you want should it arise okay now? If that's the case then anytime someone has a wrong committed against them then its okay for them to do whatever should arise that makes them feel good about the situation. Why reconcile with your wayward if your thought is they are now less than and you can treat them how you please? And no honestly I didn't see it coming especially after he degraded and humiliated me, especially after he told me he forgave me that he wanted us to make it.

Painfulpast I am sorry truly sorry you were betrayed. I know nothing done by anyone will ever make up for it. I can see that a wayward not wanting their spouse to cheat on them may seem entitled but if NO reasoning is ever okay for cheating then why would it be okay for a betrayed to cheat on a wayward? Or is it no reason is okay unless you did it to me then its fine? There are many madhatters here in truly excruciating pain and part of it is the idea that we can't at times deal with the betrayal because we feel we deserved it or our BS now turned wayward shows no remorse because they feel we deserved it.

To LostSamurai if you are showing no behavior that may be seen as deceitful or wayward then your wife has no reason to be jealous and is projecting her own behaviors on to you. It is easier to be jealous and project then look yourself in the mirror as a wayward.

I truly hope I offended no one as I am not herd to do so.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss


Posts: 2811 | Registered: Oct 2012
painfulpast
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unagie, you're awesome.

So, how is cheating ok? How is it supposed to help the relationship?

It isn't - it isn't 'ok' and it isn't great for the relationship. My point is I wouldn't lose a lot of sleep over it. Why should I, or any BS, lose sleep over doing exactly what was done to them? The WS wasn't concerned about the relationship, and they are the ones that wounded the relationship. Why must the BS be the 'better' person? They don't have to. They should if they are in R, but if they don't, oh well.

If I'm in a room with a stranger, and out of nowhere that stranger walks over and hacks my foot off, should I care if I hack his foot off? Should that make me cringe at the thought? No, of course not. That prick cut my foot off, so why should I give a shit about cutting his foot off? Is it a good thing to do? Nope. Will it help me and my foot (or lack thereof)? Nope. But do I care? Not one bit. He clearly felt cutting off feet was a way to handle things, so he got what he lived by. Too fucking bad.

because we feel we deserved it or our BS now turned wayward shows no remorse because they feel we deserved it

i am answering this to NO ONE IN PARTICULAR:

Yeah, ok. Deserved? Maybe not. Have a right to be upset, confused, devastated, heartbroken? Not a chance. These are people that did this exact same thing to someone else - someone that had NEVER done something like this to them. Someone that loved and trusted them. If, in return, that person, now shattered and empty and lacking any self esteem at all, does the same thing, is it a tragedy? Or is it just another act in a marriage already decimated by the WS?

Unagie, you don't need to be sorry that I was betrayed. That's my WH's job. And I say these things in general. You I feel for, because you are a decent person that did a bad thing and show deep remorse. I feel badly for any WS that is honestly remorseful and this happens. I do, but not as bad as I feel for the BS that turned WS. That doesn't mean I don't feel tremendously bad for certain MadHatters. It just means I know the utter soul-crushing emotional death that one feels when betrayed out of nowhere, completely blindsided, never even thinking for a second that infidelity could or would affect them. Were these BS's naive? Perhaps, but that doesn't mean they should have been slaughtered the way they were - the way I was.

Unagie - you really are cool. Thanks for being so open. seriously, thanks



The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 32
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