Just need to get this out.
My extended family is pretty much all adults these days (with a few teens/young adults) - there is only one child, a little girl a few months younger than OC.
To be completely blunt - I avoid being around her because she is a trigger. She is an awesome little kid, so cute and giggly and funny... but 99.9% of the time I spend around her, my mind drifts to my ex, and wondering what his daughter is like, and if he's having fun being a dad. I get very depressed, because I am afraid I will never get to be a mom.
I think my family is starting to pick up on me distancing myself, and I am running out of excuses to avoid family get-togethers, holidays, etc.
I am not close to my family in the sense that we ever really talked about what happened with my ex. They know we split, they know why, they know he has a daughter - that stuff has been talked about minimally. The "facts", if you will. But I never really talked to them about how I felt. About how hard it was emotionally to accept this happened. About how it really effected my outlook on life.
I really don't want to talk about those things with them. But I feel like I need to explain my behavior. It's not their fault that I feel like this. I am also afraid of being told it's been 4 years and I need to just get over it.
I just feel like I am not really handling this in a good way.
It's extra hard around the holidays because everyone is so festive and I'm just a big grump about it.