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I just need to vent, and i came here because i feel like I dont have anyone to turn to right now.

one of my FOO issues is my father, and how much of a disappointment he has been. when i was little, i was my daddys girl. but due to his alcoholism, my parents divorced, he developed an impairment and he has been fading in and out of my life for the past 13 years. he lived with my grandparents, and after fights with them he would disappear for days to weeks at a time, and once or twice i thought "maybe this time they will find him in a ditch, that way this will all stop". then I felt horrible about it. My BF is the only one i talk to about my feelings about my dad, as my one brother hates him and the other is too fragile to bear my pain regarding my dad too, and my mom just doesn't get it.

Since his birthday in September, my dad was supposed to have been at a rehab facility in a different state that specializes in his impairment. I was so happy, i thought this might be it, he might actually get better and we can have a good relationship again.

Today, I found out he relapsed, supposedly got kicked out of the program, spent days in a homeless shelter getting trashed, and now his family doesn't know if he is still there, or if he has come home.

I'm devastated, hurt and extremely disappointed, again.

in a moment of weakness and selfishness, I went and called BF looking for some comfort, even though i knew he was in a pissy mood. All he had to say was that me and my dad werent a part of each others lives and i never made the effort to be, so i have no reason to be upset and to stop crying.

and now i'm here. i feel so incredibly low.

I am so sorry the your BF would say such hateful things during what is already a difficult time for you both. Don't ever give up on your dad and remember the reason you don't have a relationship is not because of you but because of your father. Have you thought about IC? Might be a good idea to talk with someone about all of your feelings.

((Mair))

You are allowed to be upset. Your feelings are valid, and never let anyone tell you different!

in a moment of weakness and selfishness

Don't beat yourself up, and don't feel ashamed of having moments of weakness. In fact, let's reframe that as "vulnerability." That's not a bad thing.

My BF is the only one i talk to about my feelings about my dad

And now it's clear that he's not willing to fill that role. So, start working on cultivating new relationships. What about girlfriends? What about support groups, there's a nationwide support group for children/families of alcoholics, isn't there?

once or twice i thought "maybe this time they will find him in a ditch, that way this will all stop"

That's heavy. You may have some repressed anger or resentment against Dad that you need to vent in a healthy way. Have you ever talked to a counselor about your feelings of abandonment from Dad?

I'm sorry for your pain.

Have you considered Al-anon? It could be a good place for support with issues stemming from your Dad's alcoholism.