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Any one out there?

We're reconciling, he's remorseful and actually kind of nice to be around now. He does love me.

Still....

It's bittersweet....

It seems so very sad that this A still has a hold on me.

The call came in as I was leaving for work so I know that tomorrow morning, I will watch the clocks and I will grieve for my marriage again.

Then I will go to work. I hope to get through the day without being all weepy. Or mad. Instead, I am choosing me now - to celebrate because my family will be here, to love and to feel loved, to feel cherished because my H invited my family here, and not to hide. I do that a lot, just in case I get hurt again.

There is never an easy time to have a DD but for me there is something especially poignant when people's DDs are on birthdays, Christmas time, July 4th...I can understand how that could potentially ruin the special day for years to come.

I think it is very natural for you to stop and pause and remember the day your life changed forever.

It sounds like you have a positive attitude...... Hopefully as more and more time goes by the memory will be less painful and Christmas Eve will be more and more about you celebrating your love and family.

Wishing you a peaceful holiday.

Edited for typos.

[This message edited by timeforchange at 12:04 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)]

Times two here.

First time was a long term boyfriend. Found out he got my best friend pregnant on Christmas Eve.
Second was my XH. Happened on December 23rd but close enough.

Yesterday was a really bad day for me.... Actually the last 7 has. I am ready for Christmas to be over. I didn't even buy gifts this year. I am starting to feel depressed.

So sorry I am having a bad morning already. I don't have DDay today but last year found out that he was texting her all night on Christmas Eve. Sharing with her things we were talking about with our friends. I didn't understand why he was so distant. But I was blind. Anyway I remember distinctly around midnight drinking champagne and talking about this video very explicit of rammstein. It had just come out and my H and this other couple love that band. Any we all got tickets so we were excited. I found out he sent it to her saying how he was thinking of her. WTF. Basically a video of band members fucking whores and he sent it to her. Well that tainted my Christmas forever.
Sorry to rant but hear ya:). Try to enjoy. I will go for a run if it warms up then I will cook a prime rib roast and then check out or hopefully pass out.

It helped reading your replies. It is so very sad we share Christmas with this crapfest of emotions.

I did try to stay positive. I cried when we said good bye this morning and I tried very hard not to think of her. Truth is I have thought of her every day since 12/24/10. I still wish her dead and gone.

And MF, that is just awful. Twice, what shits. DL, I hope you got your run in. Running helps me find normal. Makes me want to not drink so I can be a better runner. Is that a good thing? Today maybe.

Thank you for your Christmas wishes. I hope Christmas joy finds you and that nothing falls apart for you this year.

My DD was Christmas day 2009. I've had a horrible day today in anticipation of tomorrow. Once the house is filled and I'm busy, I'm sure it will get better.

I hope you have a Merry Christmas.

My first DDay was April 1st. That's right, April Fool's Day (and the number od DDay's I've had are just ridiculous). On the bright side it's been 12 years now and we are very happily reconciled. He is a completely changed man, but every time April 1st rolls around I briefly feel like fool all over again. So I get it. Believe me, I totally get how you feel. (((((ItStillHurts)))

My DDay was December 11th, 2009, which just happened to be the first night of Hanukkah.

Yep... He left me on the first night of Hanukkah.

But, since Hanukkah moves around on the Gregorian calendar I generally don't have to deal with DDay falling right on Hanukkah every year.

This year... 4 years out... Dec 11 went by and I didn't even take note of it.

My hope for all of you is that whether you Reconcile or Divorce that eventually you can have your DDay's go by without thinking about what happened on that day.

I honestly don't know the exact day of my dday.... just know it was Mid- December of 2009..... wish I knew the exact day, but I was so stunned that he was communicating with another woman that I literally blocked out the days.... and I know every exact day of every major important thing.... ever.... I can only think my mind said "Hey... too traumatic... let's block this thing and make sure you never know to protect your heart even a tiny bit".

No matter the day, the holidays suck.... used to be my favorite and now even 4 years out I spend this time of year worrying like crazy.... and not sleeping.... hence why I am here at this crazy hour on xmas eve. Just know you are not alone with your thoughts as we are reconciled as well, and I know he does also love me. The bittersweet ache will get better with time.... mine has.... but the innocence we once had is gone and we will never quite be the same as we once were.