WH has been moody about this and says he doesn't understand why I can't just be open. Part of me thinks he's still in some sort of fog, maybe from both the affair *and* not understanding that the way he treats me emotionally and psychologically sometimes is NOT acceptable. He's had some apparent moments of clarity since my arrest where he is *drastically* different than before, apologetic and really seems to see how hurt I have been by his actions (and he would NEVER fess up to the hurtful actions before). This gives me hope, but I also won't trust it yet - only time will reveal the sincerity.
We're trying really hard to create good moments together with our 10 1/2 month old daughter in the midst of all of this since it's her first Christmas season. Tonight WH came over and the three of us had dinner and watched a Christmas movie together. After our baby went to bed there was some kissing and WH gave me a back rub while we finished the movie but I firmly and kindly placed a boundary and said that was all I was comfortable with. I know - part of me feels foolish even letting this much happen, but tonight it felt good and I didn't feel like I was in danger of getting swept away by his charm. I am actually really proud of myself - I was able to let the connection feel good and genuine, able to speak up when I felt like we were moving to fast, and I remained nice and open to him but protected myself and my feelings the whole evening.
What irks me though is that at the end of the evening WH went from being sweet, wonderful and charming to sulky and withdrawn. It felt like the better I felt about myself the moodier he got (and the more it was apparent that I wasn't going to give in to sex). Then at the door we said good night and I closed the door. He poked his head back in and said "just a heads up, I want to talk about something but not right now because it's case related and will probably upset you." And with that he left. WTF???
Part of me is thinking "Are you really the kind of bastard that would play these kinds of mind games? Do you get off on seeing me upset and off balance?" The other part of me is thinking "I can understand that we have never had good boundaries in our relationship and so seeing me finally setting and sticking to some is probably a little hard for you to know how to handle." That's really the heart of the question I can't answer yet - does he intentionally treat me so poorly or does he just not know that he does it because he thinks it's normal? His FOO has NO boundaries and so he grew up with a very skewed understanding of "normal"... add a manipulative father into the mix and a really screwed up divorce and I just don't know what the answer is.
Either way, I am feeling super proud of myself for not getting upset by that little jab at the end and for holding my ground with my boundaries. Before the affair and the arrest I would have given in and then felt miserable for having sex, and the jab at the end would have had me in tears. I know there's tons of emotional roller coaster ahead, but right now I am feeling good about myself. WIN!
Waywards don't even think like normal people and they will use anything (including make shit up) to destroy you.
I am glad to hear that you set your boundaries and stood up to him! I suspect knowing that he can't control you is quite a slap in the face to his ego.
Wish you the best!
4 kids all adults.
Married 22+ years.
I have moved on and life is good!
He already recorded me once without my knowledge, hitting record right after saying something horribly devastating to my emotional well-being and used it against me. I know this is in his arsenal and have just been beefing up on tools to help my own emotional self-control. He says he recorded me to get advice from our counselor... funny that it ended up having far worse consequences for me.
Part of me feels foolish because as I re-read the pieces of my story that I have written, I wonder why I can't just let go of the love and hope I feel... I know this is a horrible situation and I have every right and obligation to myself to just walk away. Hence the conflicted name...
[This message edited by conflicted27 at 2:39 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)]
[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 3:27 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)]
The more you have contact with him the more you increase the risk of physical abuse or being set up for another DV charge.
What he is doing by coming over watching a movie, back rub's etc. is simply "cake eating." You did great by standing up to him for sex but he still got part of what he wanted. I would also say he knows he got part way there with you this time and he will keep trying.You are sending him mixed messages.
My situation and divorce was very quick and pretty amicable by most standards. Even though there was no hostility I can tell you the the closer to NC I got the better I felt.
I wonder why I can't just let go of the love and hope I feel... I know this is a horrible situation and I have every right and obligation to myself to just walk away......it sounds like you know what needs to be done.
I can say from my experience you have no power to change your WH, he is what he is. He could change if he really wanted to but nothing you have written so far indicates he has any sincere intent of becoming a better man/dad/husband. It is very hard for a wayward to make these changes.
I would strongly encourage you to think about the 180 and more importantly strict NC. This is solely to protect yourself and your child. All of us that have been through this will tell you the old adage "NC=No New Hurt." NC is hard when you are a new mom and want daddy to be in your child's life. Your WH threw that away don't even concern yourself with his feelings, protect yourself and your child.
Sorry if this seem heavy handed on my part but as a BS and a dad I am very concerned for you!
If you insist on the family time charade, please keep your own recorder handy and start it anytime he opens his mouth.
[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 7:21 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)]
WH spoke about me to the cops. He made me sound like a psychopathic nut job who needed to be locked up - and the cop joined right along in bashing my character
Yes, gently, here . . . . this man is playing you, he is most likely using you or setting you up.
Long story short I believe I was framed in a DV case by WH and his father
Seriously!?, why are you letting him touch you?
This man is in no way, shape, or form your "friend' in any sense of that word.
You need to do a complete and hard 180.
I am so sorry.
You need to truly S from this person or you are risking custody of your DD. Imagine her being raised primarily by your WH with supervised visitation going to you.
I say the following with no ill will and the best of intentions. I am concerned for you and your child based on what you typed.
Part of me thinks he's still in some sort of fog,
Please hear this, he is likely attempting to take your daughter from you and is setting you up right now. I mean legally take her so he won't have to pay child support and it's another way to hurt you. You need to go NC with him get in to your lawyer and put some temporary orders in place. The arrest and charges you have may already have tilted that in his favor somewhat. Every thing your WH is doing wreaks of manipulation and set up. He has had you arrested and set you up to look like a crazy person on tape. Please go NC with him immediately and start to detach. If you don't have one, get a VAR, voice activated recorder and keep it on you at all times when dealing with your WH.
He is no longer your friend or husband. He is an enemy and the war you are fighting has consequences that will impact the rest of your and your childs life. Think about this...do you want to only see your child for supervised visits every other weekend until your child turns 18? That is what your WH is doing. I say none of this to be mean. I typed this to hopefully get you to see a different perspective on your situation. Even if this isn't exactly the case you need to approach this as if it IS the case to protect yourself and your child.
If your WH truly loved you and comes out of the FOG then he can prove it with his actions after you have divorced him. My guess is once he realizes he can no longer manipulate you things are going to get worse. There are so many stories of BS's being railroaded by manipulative WS's. Please be careful and I wish you the best.
Your husband is not sorry he hurt you. In fact, he is trying to hurt you even more. Stop him from hurting you. Stay away from him. Get divorced and heal from his craziness.
[This message edited by movingforward13 at 9:10 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)]
Part of me is thinking "Are you really the kind of bastard that would play these kinds of mind games? Do you get off on seeing me upset and off balance?"
Yes, and yes.
If he is your friend, why are the charges not dropped?
He is DANGEROUS to you and your child. Please, please stay away and establish no contact, especially until your legal troubles are over.
My gut is screaming over your situation.
does he intentionally treat me so poorly or does he just not know that he does it because he thinks it's normal?
He recorded the fight. He then shared that recording with the police. You say that he tells you that he was *forced* to share it. Really? How did the cops even know about it? Wouldn't he have had to mention that it existed? And if he was so reluctant to share it, why did he also make you out to be a psychopathic nutjob in his conversation with them? Why did he throw out the "I know psychology (exerting his authority) and this behavior is a pattern for *her*?"
This guy is bad fucking news, conflicted. Please continue to build on the *good* that you felt when you enforced your boundaries with him until you are able to completely rid him from your life.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
If he is your friend, why are the charges not dropped?
However, he recorded her and gave that recording to the police as evidence. Although her husband can't drop the charges, he certainly didn't help the cause sort of speak. This man is her enemy and I hope she realizes that soon enough.
I can't wait to hear what he has to say that is going to upset her. I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to file for full custody now.
Met with my attorney today and have established minimal contact with WH (we have things in progress right now, legally, that we have to work together on) and have established that I am only comfortable with face to face interactions in a public place, I am not comfortable with him being at our house, I am not comfortable with any physical contact. He was NOT happy about that. I have also blocked him on all instant messaging since that is one of his favorite way to wear my boundaries down and convince me to agree that they aren't important.
I was slipping and failing to remember that IF he can change he has to do it on his own, I can't help him. I DO need to think of myself and my daughter first. I DON'T know what he is or is not capable. I DO need to assume the worst - that is what he has shown by his actions. The flowery promises to change his number to enforce AP NC, to get a lawyer and confess his part so that he can plead the 5th and not testify against me, to seek individual counseling for himself. Yes, all that would be great... but right now they are empty words, he has not taken any action. I need to only look at actions now, not his words. He has shown that his word means nothing to him by all of the lies I have already caught him in.
I am so so grateful that I found this community!