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Newest Member: kenja (46021)

User Topic: One step up ten back
Thefly559
♂ 40268
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 3:25 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I am back at D day emotionally. I thought I would be so much stronger than this right now. Christmas eve approaching and my first one , without my family. I am alone as she parties as if I was insignificant . In my home that I pay for , with money I give her , with the same people that have been in my home for years on Christmas eve . Except I have been replaced now by her boyfriend. Dam I was so much stronger than this.
I just feel like crawling into a hole and not coming out for a week or so. What's even worse are the dam nightmares that do not seem to stop. At all!
I know we are all hurting now and I am sorry for the negative post I thank you for listening.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 733 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:18 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Theyfly))

Last year was my first Christmas morning without my girls. Hurt and rage all mixed up and beating me to a pulp. I barely slept that night. I thought I was dying.

Your post makes me wince just remembering that terrible, terrible time.

Lean into the pain when it gets bad.

I know it is small comfort right now but please know you won't always feel this way.

I'm still hurting this year as I have to hand them over at 10am Christmas morning. But it isn't the primal pain of last year. Nowhere near it.

This time next year you'll be amazed that it was only a year ago. It will feel like a lifetime ago.

At those times when I felt like my life had been jacked I remembered that whoever he is with gets the life I was having, a life with a lying, cheating, zero integrity guy who has no soul, no empathy, no heart. Sure they get the love bombing in the beginning but there's a big tax for that. A tax I am no longer willing or able to pay.

One of the life lessons I've learned this past year is that there is great strength in vulnerability. I turn to stone at my weakest, at my strongest I am water. Water erodes stone.

I'm so sorry my friend.

Please don't expect too much of yourself. I would be surprised if you weren't feeling this way right now.

[This message edited by SBB at 5:20 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)]


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5733 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
KJac
♀ 21332
Member # 21332
Default  Posted: 5:29 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((TheFly)))))

I feel your pain. I can't wait for the effing holiday season to be over. I completely understand what you mean about feeling set back emotionally. I am so very sad right now too. It's such bullshit that they cause all this pain and damage and then get to just move on.

I wish I had more words of encouragement for you. For all of us really... Just know I understand how you feel and you are not alone.


Me-BS38
Him-WS/STBX39
M 16yrs Together 18+
Cheated our whole relationship Multiple Ddays, Multiple OW, Multiple EAs and PAs
DS17, TwinDSs16, DD11

Posts: 288 | Registered: Oct 2008
suckstobeme
♀ 30853
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 5:29 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. The holidays can bring it all back in a matter of seconds and it sucks out loud.

You are strong. This is just one of those shitty dips on the roller coaster.

I honestly don't know how a man handles it when he is forced to leave his home, forced to no longer live with his children, give up a big chunk of his pay check, and watch someone else move into what was once his house. I know none of us had a choice in the matter and we are all hurting, but it seems like the guys can get hosed from all angles, especially if the WW was a SAHM. It's so, so unfair.

You are NOT insignificant. I know she makes you feel that way, but please consider the source. She's extremely disordered if she can so easily just move to another phase of her life without looking back. Normal, compassionate, caring people don't do that. Normal people don't destroy others for their own gain. She's not normal and probably never will be.

You will heal. Your strength will continue to shine through and you will be so Much better off in the long run.

For now, hibernate for the next few days if need be. The holidays can be horribly overrated. Order in, watch a ton of movies, go for long walks, and wait it out. This dip will end soon. Hang on until then.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2906 | Registered: Jan 2011
sunsetslost
♂ 39885
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strength and peace to you Fly. That damn 4 letter word. Time


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 781 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
justjim
♂ 41150
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fly, suffering through the first one right along with you Brother.

We'll get through this, somehow. Next year will be better.

Prayers that you can find some Peace this year.


Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
shiloe
♀ 1224
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's even worse are the dam nightmares that do not seem to stop.

I still get them at 2 1/2 yrs out, but not as often. Hate it.

I know how you feel. I wish Christmas over already. It will be soon, then we have to make it through New Years. Just keep going.

I too feel replaced, by a younger, newer, shiny model, who, when her much older husband dies or she divorces him, she will be a lot richer $$$$ then me (I am sure WH likes that part too ). They set up their lives so selfishly not caring how it hurts other that have been there for them.

In my home that I pay for , with money I give her , with the same people that have been in my home for years on Christmas eve . Except I have been replaced now by her boyfriend.

Seriously, when you think about it, is just evil.

[This message edited by shiloe at 7:35 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)]


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with yet another married ho-worker. Kicked h

Posts: 660 | Registered: Mar 2003
Pass
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you're feeling this so hard, Fly. I expect I will be as well, but it hasn't kicked in. I have also been replaced in all the festivities.

When the pain gets unbearable, that's when I go for a nice long, fast walk. 45 minutes of that can do wonders.

We'll make it through this - it'll just suck along the way.

[This message edited by pass at 8:24 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)]


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
sparkysable
♀ 3703
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remembered that whoever he is with gets the life I was having, a life with a lying, cheating, zero integrity guy who has no soul, no empathy, no heart. Sure they get the love bombing in the beginning but there's a big tax for that. A tax I am no longer willing or able to pay.
AMEN to this!


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3559 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
nowiknow23
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((TheFly)))))
(((((Everyone else who's struggling)))))


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26471 | Registered: Aug 2011
careerlady
♀ 16958
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((TheFly))) I'm so sorry! I don't understand how people can be so cold. You are not insignificant though. You are a good man that has been abused by bad people. You'll get through this and be stronger for it. They are weak and will just get weaker


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 943 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
NotFixable
♀ 41608
Member # 41608
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you are feeling it so bad right now. You aren't alone. I will have my DD because the POS hasn't asked to see her, (yet, anyway), and she doesn't really care to see him either. I'm so glad she will be with me, but the pain of it being our first Christmas not as a family is almost more than I can bear. Hugs to you and everyone else going through this right now.


Me-BS
Him-WH
Married 13 years
DD #1 03/12
DD #2 11/20/13
Status: Separated and planning D
___________________________________

Nowhere left to go but up!


Posts: 108 | Registered: Dec 2013
tesla
♀ 34697
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


(((((Thefly)))))


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4819 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
BAB61
♀ 41181
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it says a lot that it's Christmas Eve and here I am on SI ... I feel the love here .. and all y'all don't even really know me. (((Fly))) I feel for you. I know that there are better times ahead for all of us, just have to wade out of the muck and mire. I'm going through the motions with my girls (16 & 14) REALLY don't feel festive. Hang in there!


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
TrustedHer
♂ 23328
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's really not one step up and ten back.

It's 3 steps forward and 2 back.

Which adds up to one baby step forward.

One baby step, then another.

Yes, there are backwards steps. But even in the dips of the rollercoaster, you can see that you had some improvement in the past, and you know you can get there again.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5216 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
badmedicine
♀ 41692
Member # 41692
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are all here together going through this shit. Hope you can find a little joy somewhere. I try not to let WH ruin it since he's ruined so much but it is hard. One baby step forward at a time.


"The wishbone will never replace the backbone." -Will Henry
"This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it." -Dorothy Parker

Posts: 208 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
gma56
♀ 19595
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's OK to be hurt. We've been used and emotionally abused. Being rejected and replaced hurts like hell.

There's life on the other side but first you have to go through the shit storm.
You WILL get through each and every dip in the rollercoaster.
Promise it does get better.
Hugs
Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20387 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
Thefly559
♂ 40268
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to thank all my friends on Si. All who have listened and responded and emailed and helped push me through this miserable bump in my road. Got past the eve. Now onto the day and then new years , all firsts for me and so many others. I am sorry and SI is amazing.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 733 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Topic Posts: 18

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