Last year was my first Christmas morning without my girls. Hurt and rage all mixed up and beating me to a pulp. I barely slept that night. I thought I was dying.
Your post makes me wince just remembering that terrible, terrible time.
Lean into the pain when it gets bad.
I know it is small comfort right now but please know you won't always feel this way.
I'm still hurting this year as I have to hand them over at 10am Christmas morning. But it isn't the primal pain of last year. Nowhere near it.
This time next year you'll be amazed that it was only a year ago. It will feel like a lifetime ago.
At those times when I felt like my life had been jacked I remembered that whoever he is with gets the life I was having, a life with a lying, cheating, zero integrity guy who has no soul, no empathy, no heart. Sure they get the love bombing in the beginning but there's a big tax for that. A tax I am no longer willing or able to pay.
One of the life lessons I've learned this past year is that there is great strength in vulnerability. I turn to stone at my weakest, at my strongest I am water. Water erodes stone.
I'm so sorry my friend.
Please don't expect too much of yourself. I would be surprised if you weren't feeling this way right now.
[This message edited by SBB at 5:20 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)]
I feel your pain. I can't wait for the effing holiday season to be over. I completely understand what you mean about feeling set back emotionally. I am so very sad right now too. It's such bullshit that they cause all this pain and damage and then get to just move on.
I wish I had more words of encouragement for you. For all of us really... Just know I understand how you feel and you are not alone.
You are strong. This is just one of those shitty dips on the roller coaster.
I honestly don't know how a man handles it when he is forced to leave his home, forced to no longer live with his children, give up a big chunk of his pay check, and watch someone else move into what was once his house. I know none of us had a choice in the matter and we are all hurting, but it seems like the guys can get hosed from all angles, especially if the WW was a SAHM. It's so, so unfair.
You are NOT insignificant. I know she makes you feel that way, but please consider the source. She's extremely disordered if she can so easily just move to another phase of her life without looking back. Normal, compassionate, caring people don't do that. Normal people don't destroy others for their own gain. She's not normal and probably never will be.
You will heal. Your strength will continue to shine through and you will be so Much better off in the long run.
For now, hibernate for the next few days if need be. The holidays can be horribly overrated. Order in, watch a ton of movies, go for long walks, and wait it out. This dip will end soon. Hang on until then.
We'll get through this, somehow. Next year will be better.
Prayers that you can find some Peace this year.
What's even worse are the dam nightmares that do not seem to stop.
I still get them at 2 1/2 yrs out, but not as often. Hate it.
I know how you feel. I wish Christmas over already. It will be soon, then we have to make it through New Years. Just keep going.
I too feel replaced, by a younger, newer, shiny model, who, when her much older husband dies or she divorces him, she will be a lot richer $$$$ then me (I am sure WH likes that part too ). They set up their lives so selfishly not caring how it hurts other that have been there for them.
In my home that I pay for , with money I give her , with the same people that have been in my home for years on Christmas eve . Except I have been replaced now by her boyfriend.
[This message edited by shiloe at 7:35 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)]
When the pain gets unbearable, that's when I go for a nice long, fast walk. 45 minutes of that can do wonders.
We'll make it through this - it'll just suck along the way.
[This message edited by pass at 8:24 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)]
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!
I remembered that whoever he is with gets the life I was having, a life with a lying, cheating, zero integrity guy who has no soul, no empathy, no heart. Sure they get the love bombing in the beginning but there's a big tax for that. A tax I am no longer willing or able to pay.
"And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be."
- Sarah McMane
Nowhere left to go but up!
It's 3 steps forward and 2 back.
Which adds up to one baby step forward.
One baby step, then another.
Yes, there are backwards steps. But even in the dips of the rollercoaster, you can see that you had some improvement in the past, and you know you can get there again.
There's life on the other side but first you have to go through the shit storm.
You WILL get through each and every dip in the rollercoaster.
Promise it does get better.