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Extremely bad night--very hopeless right now

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ziganska posted 12/24/2013 05:43 AM

I'm entering week 4 and things have been "okay" recently because my H and I do an extreme amount of talking about the A. He was hesitant at first but realized I needed to know the "gory" details in order to help understand what happened and move on. He's dedicated to R, sits in 4 therapy sessions a week with me and we're planning on taking 2 weeks off in January to just be together and try to heal. He says all the right things, is extremely shameful for what he's done and has told me, through his tears, that he never wants me to look at him as that person again and he wants to be the husband I always deserved. So why did this happen at 11:00 pm last night?

We went for a stroll outside, which I often need to just clear my head. It was good--we were holding hands, he told me he wants to celebrate Christmas during the 2 weeks we're taking off in January because I otherwise have cancelled all Christmas plans for December 25. As we were headed home, I started feeling guilty for somewhat enjoying myself. That voice in my head said "why are you holding his hand? That's the hand that did those things to her. Tell him how you feel." I slowed down my pace and he knew something was wrong.

We went back home and I retreated to the bedroom; he went into the dining room. I was hyperventilating. All I could think of was the rough sex he told me he had with her EVERY TIME. I confronted him with him somewhat calmly and asked why. He said he was surprised when she suggested it....and intrigued. I said why did you do such deviant stuff every time. He said that was their "thing."

I started screaming and crying like I've never before. I ran to the bedroom and really thought the neighbors would call the cops. He tried to hold me down but I kept telling him no. Then I started slapping myself in the face....hard. Then I started to feel like I was going to gag from the tears so I got off the bed and collapsed to the ground. I was there face down for at least a half hour until my H could lift me up back to the bed. I screamed to God to give me strength...then I asked God to take me from all this pain once and for all because I don't see how I can ever get over the hurt.

I so hopeless right now...not just in the R process but in my life. Even if I were to get a divorce, let's say, I would still be haunted by the way I've been so cruelly betrayed by the person I loved. It will be with me till my dying day. I just want to go back to who I was 4 weeks ago, that's all. My H, and all of you, have said it takes time, but I don't know what to do with my immense anger, rage, hurt, pain, etc on a day to day basis. You should see me right now. I have barely slept (really only slept out of the exhaustion I put my body through), my hair, face and eyes are all a mess. I am surprised I can even type this at 6:00 am with the lights off.

selkiescot posted 12/24/2013 05:50 AM

You are so new to this. It takes years to recover from betrayal not weeks. Be patient with your self Zig. The councelling will help. The mind movies seem to take forever to leave but they will. Keep doing what your doing and younwill feel better, Thiings will never be the same but they will get better.

mchercheur posted 12/24/2013 05:54 AM

I so know how you feel. There is no magic answer. It really does take time. What you are feeling is so normal. Keep reading and posting here. Exercise to get some of that anger out. Buy a punching bag & use it. Yes, we all wished so fervently that we could wake up from this bad dream.
You did not deserve this, & it is not your fault.

I can only promise you that it does get better.
Sending you strength & hugs.

steadfast1973 posted 12/24/2013 05:56 AM

I had a similar night about 2 weeks in. And I know, all too well, about that voice screaming at you, when you're enjoying an evening with WH. It's still very new. Very raw. We had a bad morning last week. I anticipate more bad nights/days to come. It's a rollercoaster... You'll feel like you have multiple personalities sometimes, and like you've literally gone insane. I have gone from the giggles, to sobbing, to rage, in a course of a minute. More than once.

It is insane, how you can go from being full of hope and devastatingly hopeless, and back to hope so quickly...

ziganska posted 12/24/2013 06:01 AM

Thanks, all, for your support. We're seeing our therapist again at 10:00 am this morning but that time can't come soon enough. I'm obviously up to type this but I can't even fathom taking a shower, getting dressed, traveling to his office, etc. I think I will ask for some medication. Sometimes, I do think I'm having a true mental breakdown, maybe one that should put me in the hospital for awhile. I don't know...I know from all of you that feeling like this is normal, but my God, I can't live like this for much longer--it's torture! I feel like my H is racing a car along a dirt road with extreme curves and he's gone me tied up to the bumper. I've never felt this alone and helpless before in my life and I've had tough times before--lost my father when I was 18, faced with homelessness many times and currently caring for my ill mother. But NEVER have I felt this way before.

And the sad part can't be undone. We can't go in a time machine and undo it, though common sense and a semblance of a heart should've made my H stop what he was doing after the first time....or at least the 21st time. How can I not think about this every waking (and sleeping) moment of my life?

painfulpast posted 12/24/2013 06:11 AM


I can read through your words the pain you are in. We've been there, and it seems like it can never end. The first few days or weeks seem like some kind of bad dream, and then the realization that this isn't a nightmare, and that this cannot ever be NOT reality, finally hits, and it's hard. It might be the hardest moment of all of this - realizing that this is your world now, and always will be.

You will get through this, as we did. You may feel like you won't but you will, and you will hate that it's there, always. I'm not going to lie - it will get better, but it will be so hard for a while.

Yes, what your H did was despicable, and cruel, and without logic. You didn't deserve this, and he did it anyway. He did it because he is broken, not you. He did it because he doesn't know how to deal with unhappiness in healthy ways. I know that doesn't help you - he's broken so you suffer - but in time you will realize this is not your fault. It was not because of anything you did or didn't do.

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much today. I'm glad you have MC today.

The reason you've never felt this way before, despite having faced terrible times in life, is because none of those terrible times were an intentional assault. Your dad didn't die because he wanted to. You didn't find yourself facing homelessness because it was fun. Your mother isn't ill because she's so selfish she doesn't care about anyone but herself. This is different. Again, you will get through it.


Dreamland posted 12/24/2013 08:58 AM

Oh so sorry but yes you are still so raw. How long have you been married. Has he done this before. We don't know too much of your story but did he confess. I can tell you I caught my husband after 17 years of marriage. It was the hardest most painful devastation feeling I ever felt. Twice I tried to kill myself because I could bare the pain anymore.. I couldn't quite do it to my Daughter. I did cut my throat but my husband stopped me.. He then threw the knives out along with all pills and booze. But then I then started cutting myself wrists arms neck and abdomen. I needed something to dull the pain inside so I inflicted pain. I can tell you that I was in the lowest of lows. Two years ago to this day my fWH was full into his A. I remember him texting constantly during Christmas Eve at our friends house. My mom and daughter there. How could he. What an arse and I believed sand trusted him. So it took a year for me to stop the drinking and cutting. So now I just have reminants of the scars. But if you closely at my wrists it's still there. It does get better. No it doesn't go away but the pain get more dull and manageable. It go better when I started running. I would run for hours sometimes. I felt like I was getting away. Recently I don't have the same stamana or drive. But do some kind of exercise. It helps with stress.
Stay strong and give it the dreaded time..

still-living posted 12/24/2013 14:56 PM

I normally don't do this but I just wanted to speak up and recognize your WS for his courage in actually telling you the truth. Many of us wait months and years for it, -if we ever receive it at all. Also, when you initially confronted him, he admitted to having an affair. I see this as a good sign for your recovery. I hope you can eventually recognize this.

Unfortunately, however, this gives you alot of pain to process right now. Remember, a part of the game is if you create a hostile environment after he tells you, he may be more reluctant to tell you the truth in the future. Take it one day at a time, and take care of your health.

Skan posted 12/24/2013 18:23 PM

Ah honey, it's still so raw for you. You've had your skin flayed off of your body even the touch of a whisper of butterflies wings will be agony to you. It takes time for that skin to grow back and even then, it will be paper-thin for some time until it thickens up and toughens up.

I sometimes wonder why the police weren't at our house during those raw days for me. Because at times, I could see the walls bowing out with the sound waves from the noises that came from me. I lost my voice a few times because I screamed myself raw in the throat.

It will get better. Those raw edges will start to develop some skin over them. You may rip those scabs and healed places open at times, but overall, at some point, you will be amazed that you had an hour, when you didn't immediately "go there." And then a 1/2 a day. And a day, and so on. It takes the time it takes. There's no right or wrong amount of time, there's only the necessary time that it takes. (((hugs)))

I'm glad that you have a couple of weeks to be with each other. Try to find some moments of just being.

newlysingle posted 12/24/2013 23:20 PM

I'm so sorry that you're in so much pain. I remember that time well...unfortunately. In my case my XWH had no remorse and walked out on me without a second thought. It was worse in the sense that I couldn't ask questions, received no sympathy or care. However, it was easier in that I had to immediately move on as a single person, went NC by his choice so I didn't hear gory details, and didn't have to do the hard work of reconciliation.

I did go in medication and it helped immensely. I also couldn't eat, sleep or function. I thought I was losing my mind. Within a week of starting medication, I felt so much better. I wasn't happy, nor did it take all the pain away, but I could function. I slept well, ate enough and was able to have some control over my emotions. I would definitely ask about trying one at your appointment.

As others have said, it does get better. I'm about 9 months out from DDay and three months out from D and am far better than I was then. I still struggle with sadness, anger, etc., but I can see there's a light at the end if the tunnel now.

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