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How to go on as nothing happened around people.

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Soverysadtoo posted 12/24/2013 06:53 AM

Sure my life is a big fat mess right now, but it doesn't mean I want the world to know it. I have kids, family, friends and a job to keep. How can I act normal around them when I'm a complete basket case. I talk to myself when no one is there, I cry on a whim, sigh every now and then. How would people not know something is going great on? And how do I not burst into tears if someone asks what's wrong.

tfkeel posted 12/24/2013 09:04 AM

I tried this for a couple of weeks following the discovery. It didn't work.

People who knew me could tell there was something wrong. Many of them asked me if I was sick.

I decided the best thing I could do was just tell them the truth. So, that's what I did. I let her affair be known, to any adult person who asked. If children were present, I didn't say.

I realized that, hey, my marriage and family may be breaking up here. By God, I want them to know why, and I want them to know it AIN'T ME who's doing it.

I also had no risk of my kids finding out. They were taken on her "dates" with her affair partner
already.

It turned out to be one of the best things I ever did. Some people immediately identified, and even expressed that an affair was part of their past, also. It also put considerable pressure on
her and her affair partner (a well-known man in our area) to end it. Affairs thrive in secrecy. When they are opened up to the public, they are not quite so "tasty" anymore, when people begin
to shun them.

I almost lost a very good client during this time.
I found it hard to remain disciplined to work (I was self-employed).

[This message edited by tfkeel at 9:07 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)]

Soverysadtoo posted 12/24/2013 09:38 AM

I don't want anyone's pity, and I dont want anyone to know. I'm most afraid about work. I can concentrate or do anything useful...

naivegirl posted 12/24/2013 09:48 AM

I felt like you did and through the holidays I faked it for the kids. After that, I couldn't do it anymore. The best thing I did was privately tell my boss. He was very understanding. If I hadn't told him I think I would have ended getting in trouble at work because I wasn't doing my best work. HAving him understand what was going on helped. My co workers and friends and family were a great source of comfort. By being secretive at first, people were just whispering about me behind my back. They all knew somehting was wrong but couldn't figure out what. Telling people wasn't as bad as I imagined. They didn't really pity me. They were there to distract me or help me. Everyone knowing also eventually helped to end the affair.

Lola88 posted 12/24/2013 09:51 AM

I haven't told anyone about my situation - my adult daughter knows her dad has been having an affair but that's it. For the first two weeks I avoided any face to face contact, only answered the phone when I felt able but for the last week or so I have been seeing friends and some family.
It's been hard and I've told a few white lies about my mood but I really don't want to share until I'm sure what I want to do about our future. It's not quite four weeks since I found out, he is very remorseful and says he wants to spend the rest of his life making things up to me. He can't, I'll never trust him again and feel he has stolen both my memories and my future.
All the advice I've been given says not to make any decisions too soon - this I am trying to follow, it is the hardest thing I've ever had to face in my life. My heartfelt sympathy to all BS's, be strong and look after yourselves - no one else will x

Soverysadtoo posted 12/24/2013 10:12 AM

I've known my boss for over 10 yrs. He knows him. I don't want my boss to know. What else can I say that I'm going through, other then this. I cant have people know. I just can't.

[This message edited by Soverysadtoo at 10:12 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)]

naivegirl posted 12/24/2013 10:29 AM

If you really think you can't tell anyone then I would make sure you have a good indiviual counselor or minister you can confide in. I personally can't stomach lying to anyone after the lies I have been told. Maybe just say you have some personal stuff going on that you don't want to share right now. If your boss is his friend he may already know. sadly some of my husbands friends knew. Take care.

Dyinghere posted 12/24/2013 10:32 AM

I'm doing that too. Not telling anyone. Here are a couple of things I do and say

1- allergies. My red eyes and constant headache are due to my terrible allergies.

2- writing. I write emails and never send them.

3- baths. I take 2-3 baths a day and cry there, away from the children.

4- migraine headaches, to explain the pained look and nausea/inability to eat.

Dyinghere posted 12/24/2013 10:32 AM

Double post

[This message edited by Dyinghere at 1:02 PM, December 24th (Tuesday)]

million tears posted 12/24/2013 10:59 AM

At work keep as busy as you can. It's not easy but you can get your mind off it for a while. I said I wasn't feeling well a lot. I avoided family gatherings and such with this excuse.

I didn't tell anyone but my inlaws, and my psychiatrist. It was hard to keep it from my mom but she is fragile and I knew it would kill her. "I'm just not feeling well, mom." I have a headache, stomach ache, allergies, or whatever.

Skan posted 12/24/2013 13:06 PM

You should talk to your boss. You don't have to be specific. Just something along the lines of, I'm going through a really rough time in my life right now, that I don't want to talk about, but I felt that I needed to tell you, in case I seem distracted at work. Me, I was lucky in that my boss was gone for a large percentage of the time after DDay, pursuing her doctorate, and the temp pastor's we had in (I work for a church) worked remotely and only really came in for Sunday sermons, while I took care of the rest. Once she was back, I let her know that I was having marriage problems, and, being as she had had to tell me the same a few years ago, was very understanding.

kra127 posted 12/24/2013 14:24 PM

I have had to tell friends I'm going through some issues just so they understand why I'm not my normal self. It's very hard to do but I've only confided in a few friends and my family. The people who are true friends have understood and don't press for details. Sometimes I feel like even the cashiers in the stores I'm in can tell what I"m going through just from the outside.

OakStreet posted 12/24/2013 22:03 PM

This is really hard! You don't want to tell some of your friends in case R works, so they won't judge your WS.
In my case, I haven't slept well for over 2 months and it is definitely affecting my work and my mood.
People MUST know something is going on with me, but what can you possibly say

In the meantime, Merry Christmas to all!

catatonic posted 12/25/2013 04:38 AM

It was very difficult at work in the first few weeks. It was difficult to hold back the tears.
The one friend I told, who I work with also gave me this too.
" when you feel the tears coming on think of a math problem and try to do it in your head". It actually worked
I did a lot if math problems.
I did mention to my boss that I had something at home I was trying to deal with. I knew my work was not my norm. And I wasn't putting in that extra effort. And u felt I needed to explain this. I know my January eval. will not be great and I am angry at WH for this. Especially since OW could not keep a job, and only had herself to worry about.!!
Community friends are questioning my behavior. I dint want my kids drawn into that gossip if I open up to them. It is hard and unfair.

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