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Jealousy and massage therapists

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faithfulfool posted 12/24/2013 08:37 AM

My fWW gets massages pretty regularly. Since R I have requested she only see female massage therapists and she has agreed to do so, but it's clear that she thinks I am being overly controlling, even though she is complying with my request. I am happy that she agreed, but it leaves me now feeling like a jealous controlling jerk.

I have read of at least two affairs on this board between spouses and supposedly professional massage therapists. I do not feel like a comparison to a doctor is at all fair, because a massage feels good, and the whole experience seems very intimate. Additionally, I have read on other sites where women have felt a bit too sensual in secret.

I have never had a professional massage and have absolutely zero interest in one. Maybe it's because touch is my primary love language, but I freaking hate the idea of my wife receiving such touching pleasure from another man while nude. Or maybe I'm now just a jealous, controlling husband.

I wish my wife felt the same, but I guess I should just be glad she has agreed even if she doesn't agree in principle.

I don't think I will ever be normal.

ILINIA posted 12/24/2013 09:10 AM

I think your request is perfectly normal and reasonable. As a woman, I prefer doctors and massage therapists that are women, but that is just me. I have had two massages by men due to rescheduling, but I never get as relaxed as I do with a woman. Again, just me.

I don't think it is controlling. I am a bit concerned that she sees it that way. In my opinion, it's a no-brainer such a quick and easy change that would make you feel better and reassured, so why not say "Absolutely, it makes sense"?

Our lives have changed and all the little things we never thought about now matter. I had to have to conversation that WH should not be using emoticons in emails with female coworkers, something I never thought about before. Unfortunately, the bar has been raised on what is acceptable and what isn't.

Ahh, the new normal.

bobf posted 12/24/2013 09:12 AM

I think you are right and not controlling. If your wife thinks you are being too controlling then ask her to think about why.

A truly remorseful spouse will realize the damage they have done to trust in the marriage and will do anything to make their partner comfortable.

I have access to every account my wife uses,I have permission to key log her if I so chose and an agreement for her to avoid other men in any social setting and an iron clad NC agreement. That doesn't mean I always take advantage of her openness but it has made a huge difference in trusting her and greatly has helped R.

[This message edited by bobf at 9:14 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)]

sisoon posted 12/24/2013 11:23 AM

My W used to get massages. In fact, IIRC she used the massages to get recharged with energy for her A.

One of the consequences of her A was reduced income, and I insisted that she give up the massages. I just didn't think she deserved the pleasure of a massage after her A.

She survived very well.

hitbyatruck posted 12/24/2013 14:57 PM

I understand that massage is good for your muscles and simply feels great but they are not for me. In my head I was paying someone to touch me. I had 2 massages my whole life, both were gifts from my MIL.

First time was a woman, 2nd time was a man. I wasn't comfortable with the man at all. He didn't do anything wrong but he was still touching me as I was pretty much naked under a thin sheet.

I have told my H for years that I would love for him to massage me. I want him to do it and not for just 10 minutes or say "my turn now" or "my hand hurts". I guess that is why you pay for it.

It is too personal for me. Not judging others for going but not for me. I really wouldn't be comfortable with H going either.

heartbrokeninaz posted 12/24/2013 15:36 PM

Yes my WH ONS was with a massage therapist. He contacted her for a massage for me for my BDay! They are in no way even comparable to a doctor. They just have a job title just like the rest of us. She knew us from other friends and dart league. Knew me even. Started prying things about our personal life out of him. Then started texting nude pics of herself. I don't think its weird at all that you ask her to see women at all. The therapist are just regular folks like us. Some good some bad. I don't think its a gamble any of us need to take.

Neithan posted 12/24/2013 20:35 PM

Oh, God. Massage.

It was our passion. We took training from licensed massage therapists, a married couple. We learned from and worked with them extensively, loved learning, loved doing massages on each other, became very good friends with our teachers, it was an amazing way to connect and relax, and a thing to look forward to. For 4.5 years it was a treasured part of my life.

Then I discovered she was having an affair with our great and good friend the massage therapist.

Nearly 4 years out from D-Day now, I still trigger if I get a massage from my wife, or if I give her one. I can rub her neck a bit to work knots out, or give an occasional foot rub, but beyond that I can't go there anymore. No more table work, no more relaxational, sensual, or sexual massage. All of which used to seem to bind us together so closely.

We've tried to reclaim it for ourselves, but when a great passion turns into a great horror, I just can't turn back the clock and make it good again.

I don't get massages anymore; she still does on occasion and tells me they're with female massage therapists. Whatever.

wanttogoforward posted 12/24/2013 23:17 PM

How sad this makes me feel... I have gotten several professional massages over time and enjoy them a great deal.

The request after an A to have only females working on your wife is perfectly reasonable.... I can say I have had one done by a male and it was just fine... but it was a couples massage and my H was there so there was no discomfort... all my others were females... now my H has had them from women both in my presence and without me there..... I guess I feel that in a town the size of ours that all massages would be highly professional or word would get out that there is hanky- panky going on and the business would go under really quick!

The fact is that after an A things will change... some for the better and some to simply make the other person feel safe.... at 4 years out my H will check up on me on GPS (I was the BS!), question where I am going, etc..... and there has never been a reason for him to worry about me! Yet.... I understand.... I think he knows how easy it is to get into an A (his was EA) even though we seemed to have a strong marriage..... and that scares him.... I understand and accomodate as best I can. It's just hard to take when you are the BS even though I am as understanding and try not to get bent out of shape when he questions me too much. He is trying to protect our M... that I am in total support of. Jealousy can be from both ends.... try to build trust again in the areas you can.... trust but verify.... let her know as the trust builds you will feel more comfortable in some areas but that there are others that are now not negotiable! It's a new marriage for you both now.

Scubachick posted 12/25/2013 04:42 AM

The sad part is that you even have to request it. Where is her empathy?

I have a female trainer, belong to an all female gym, use female instructors (when possible) when I'm taking lessons. He doesn't have to ask me because I put myself in his shoes and I ask myself how I would feel if the situation were reversed. I have used a male massage therapist a few times because a female wasn't available. I find it awkward to have any stranger, male or female, rubbing my body but I need it. I've never gotten a massage primarily for pleasure, it's always been for pain relief. I think your request is perfectly reasonable and doesn't make you controlling at all.

Dreamland posted 12/25/2013 23:32 PM

I think your being reasonable. Honestly I don't want my fWH interacting with any women and I get very upset when we had couples massage and the woman was like " oh your husband so strong good body". I was like what the fuck bitch. He looked at me since he felt uncomfortable and knew I was ready to kill.
I don't want him around any women period especially alone and he knows it and is happy to comply.

musiclovingmom posted 12/26/2013 10:42 AM

This came up in our home. My H has never had a professional massage. I have had several. My very good friend is a massage therapist. Once my H asked about a massage and I told him I wouldn't be comfortable with him having a female massage therapist - not even my friend who is a BW herself. This conversation happened probably 6 or 8 months out. A couple of months ago, my H was hurting pretty badly and I offered to call my massage therapist. His response was 'No. I don't want you to be uncomfortable'. I had completely forgotten our conversation from before, but HE enforced that boundary anyway. I do not think your request is inappropriate at all. Like others, I'm a bit concerned that she is simply complying.

idkam posted 12/26/2013 17:03 PM

Just like IL I prefer female doctors and massage therapists. On one particular occasion my regular massage therapist was out sick and a male therapist took her place. I felt totally uncomfortable and I could not relax. I felt at times he was rubbing himself against me, . When I was turned onto my stomach and although I was covered with a thin sheet when he would massage my leg he would move my leg a certain way to make my buttocks move. I was about to call it quits right then and there. I believe he felt my discomfort. However, I endured it but every time after that when I made an appointment I'd ask for a female. If one isn't available I will set the appointment when one is available.

Sorry to t/j but you have every right to ask your fWW to use female masseuse.

Aspenstrong posted 12/27/2013 15:28 PM

If it makes you uncomfortable then a caring wife would be happy to comply to your request without making you feel like a heel about it. I never was comfortable with my h seeing female therapists because of his fantasizing and EA tendencies. He acted like I was ridiculous found support from others and when I gave in a little and agreed to him seeing a massage therapist I was comfortable with he took it further and stopped even attempting to do what I'd like. And 2 months ago he had ONS with one.
His utter disregard for my feelings was a red flag- but it started with him acting like something was wrong with me for not wanting him to get massages from other women.
Hopefully your WW will become more understanding of your concerns and will want to do whatever it takes to reassure you.

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