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I don't really know how to do this.....

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NaiveAgain posted 12/24/2013 08:43 AM

So, I was a BS here years ago and dumped my WS because he was unremorseful. I moved on to NB and have built my life back, dated around, and finally found someone I thought would last me the rest of my life. He had issues, but he was already in IC and working on them, very introspective, and on the right path.

Almost a year into our relationship, he had 2 EAs. Here I am again. He knew what I went thru before, but he was willing to put me thru this again....

I can't believe he would throw away the purity of our relationship over a few selfish moments of "feel good". I can't believe he could compartmentalize me and downplay what we had in order to make himself feel okay about contacting his ExF and starting up an EA with a coworker. Just to get his stupid ego stroked and although it felt good in the moment he said it also felt bad because he knew it would hurt me but he was just fine with locking that in a box in his head so he wouldn't have to deal with it. How scary is it that he is able to lock away the stuff he doesn't want to deal with so he can make it okay to do anything he wants. How can I ever believe he won't do this again? How can I believe that there isn't more he isn't telling me because it is "locked up"?

He said he knew she couldn't make him happy because she was abusive in the past. He also knew it wouldn't last with her. He was afraid of me because I made him happy. WTF? He was willing to throw away happy so he could be miserable the rest of his life? Just because that is a familiar feeling? Really?

He is the 1st guy that got me to open up completely emotionally and vulnerably. He held me when I cried. He was attentive and caring. Then he took my heart and trust and stomped on it and smashed it and then picked it up and threw it against the wall. And then locked it away in a box so he wouldn't have to deal with it.

Until I caught him red-handed and he started coming clean. He is dealing with my pain right now. He is answering my questions truthfully and painfully. He isn't running and he is doing the hard work of rebuilding but I can't trust him at this point and I worry every time he seems to "forget" about this issue for even a second. I know we have to have some normal moments too, but it's hard to do when it is constantly on my mind that he was so willing to throw all this away so easily....

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 8:57 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)]

cl131716 posted 12/24/2013 09:15 AM

I think the problem to begin with is we date people with issues. We don't want to be alone so instead of waiting until we find someone healthy we settle for someone who is struggling and rationalize it with the fact we too are struggling or have in the past so who are we to judge?

It is IMPOSSIBLE to have a healthy relationship with someone who is unhealthy.

NaiveAgain posted 12/24/2013 10:41 AM

I don't know anyone who doesn't have issues.

It is IMPOSSIBLE to have a healthy relationship with someone who is unhealthy.
Which is why I thought he was okay, because he was well on the path to healthy. I seriously thought he had worked thru most of his issues and he was doing good at making better choices, as I've been trying to do myself.

Razor posted 12/24/2013 10:50 AM

Gently. Are you attracted to people with issues? Are you someone that wants to fix broken people?

NaiveAgain posted 12/24/2013 11:03 AM

Not in my personal life. I have enough to deal with without having to fix someone else's problems. I want someone healthy that can support me and be there for me and that can be a partner thru the rest of my life. But....I don't expect perfection either, and I honestly don't know anyone that doesn't have some type of issue, although many people know how to manage their issues and live fairly healthy lives. I guess I was hoping he was managing his issues and doing the self-growth so he would be okay. He is good at talking things thru with me in a healthy manner, and not getting defensive, and owning his own problems. That is a first for my original WS blamed me and others for all his problems.

sisoon posted 12/24/2013 11:17 AM

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, especially with a new person. I hope your previous experience helps you heal quickly.

You know this, right? Give a hammer to the wrong person, and everything starts looking like a nail to him....

Yesterday our MC pointed out that 48 years after we met, neither of us believes we are good enough for the other, and we each believe the other is way better than we deserve.

Maybe your guy doesn't think he's good enough for you, and that effs up his behavior. If that's the case, there could be a lot of hope for you.

Just sayin'.... I still don't get the implications of what our MC thinks, so all I can do is put the thought out here, FWIW.

It is IMPOSSIBLE to have a healthy relationship with someone who is unhealthy.

I don't think it's quite that bad. Very few of us look healthy, and I bet only a small minority of those really are healthy. Sometimes a person brings out the best in someone else, and that's not a bad basis for a relationship.

Razor posted 12/24/2013 11:20 AM

Its true that everyone has some kind of issue. But its a matter of severity and type.

A person that has a issue being in crowds is better than a person with a gambling addiction or one that has had affairs.

Speaking as a guy. I want to tell you that there are lots and lots of us out there that dont have huge issues. Maybe we work to much. Maybe we are boring. But maybe boring is not such a bad thing.

There are lots of guys that are kind. loving. dependable. and true. Pick one of those.

NaiveAgain posted 12/24/2013 11:31 AM

Maybe your guy doesn't think he's good enough for you, and that effs up his behavior. If that's the case, there could be a lot of hope for you.
That is EXACTLY what he said. In fact, right before the EA with his XF, he had mentioned he doesn't feel he deserves me. So going over what happened over and over and over and over......he says he was in a bad place in his mind, thinking that this was too good to be true and he didn't deserve me, and his XF who had treated him badly was more along what he deserved, even though he knew that would be bad for him. (Especially, I guess, because he knew it was bad for him.)

He says he was confused at the time because he loved me and wanted to be happy with me, but didn't feel he deserved it so I guess he was putting out a "feeler" with his XF.

Sometimes a person brings out the best in someone else, and that's not a bad basis for a relationship.
He has said that to me also, and he is the first guy I have ever known that will deal with all my emotions, the good, the bad, the ugly....and not freak out over them.

sisoon posted 12/24/2013 12:54 PM

Well, he sounds like he's part of the way there. I hope he resolves his own crap right quick, for his sake and for yours, and I hope he realizes he can stop any new EA from starting.

My W seems to be resolving hers, and it's very rewarding for me, in spite of the very deep damage she did.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:15 PM, December 24th (Tuesday)]

Clarrissa posted 12/25/2013 10:36 AM

Sorry you're going through this again, NA but I can totally understand the self sabotage and why he reconnected with his exF even though he knew it wasn't healthy for him. We all tend to seek the familiar even though it may not be good for us. That's what I did in my sitch. Deep down I knew my xAP was using me but I ignored that in order to feel better about myself. The usual wayward compartmentalizing. But it was familiar. My ex used me and so did the first man I was physically intimate with. I was "okay" with it because I didn't think I deserved better. My Hs feelings for me used to scare the crap out of me. Seriously. Who was *I* to be loved like that?

The difference between me at that time and your SO now is he's willing to talk to you about it and admit why he did this. IOW, he's owning his sh*t and that's a good thing, right?

I hope the two of you can work through this and become stronger for it.

Best of luck to you both.

NaiveAgain posted 12/25/2013 21:07 PM

Hi Clarissa! Thank you for your insight; it helps a lot! He has said the exact same things you were saying in your post...he actually told me that my kind of love freaked him out. He said it was what he always dreamt of but dreams don't come true so he didn't allow himself to believe it and he started trying to find problems here that weren't really here.

His FOO told him he wasn't good enough and he has internalized that. He is working hard on learning to feel good about himself from the inside but I know it will not happen overnight. As long as he keeps working on it and making some type of progress, and as long as he can remain faithful, I think I will stick with him and see this thru. I truly feel he is a good man.

Clarrissa posted 12/26/2013 08:28 AM

I'm glad you've decided to stick with it, NA. It's great that he sees the problem for what it is. I'm still working on building my own self-esteem and sense of self worth but each time I start getting down on myself, I remind myself of what I'm good at, things I don't need other people to tell me I'm good at. Like my job. None better. My blankets. Will last years.

Perhaps you could suggest to your SO that he do the same. The list may be short at first but it'll grow over time. I understand the feeling of being "less than", of having family/friends either explicity or implicitly tell you you're really not that important. I went through something like that just yesterday. Found out one of my sisters had been trying to leave me voice mail (or at least calling) about Christmas plans at her house. Waited all day for another call. Nada. But you know what? Didn't really bother me. Before all this, who knows how I'd have felt. Probably left out...again. Overlooked...again. But I spent a good day with my H, just hanging out.

Continued good luck to you and your SO. Hope you had a good holiday yesterday.

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