I admit I was a lunatic, I got so frustrated with his TT and unwillingness to try harder. He drinks a lot and for a while I would drink and then be ready to fight him. It was like a switch would flip,a memory would come about and I went completely dark. It was a horrible time and I don't blame him for my actions but I still don't understand why he would keep bringing alcohol around?? I tried so very hard to follow HIS rules for getting over his A. Everything from how I brought it up to him, when I brought it up and make sure not to make him feel bad.
I didn't want to be the person I was, I was miserable and I've basically learned to keep my mouth shut. I'll never learn more than I do now. So, here we are 2 years out and he's constantly losing it with me...over EVERYTHING! Most recently it was because I changed my fb picture (too often apparently and because I was "fishing" for compliments) and for spending the night at my moms (with my 3 toddlers) while he's working out of state. He's become controlling to the point where he doesn't want me to shave while I'm away or doesn't want me to lose any weight while also giving me backhanded compliments about how much I weighed in the first place. He says he never got to deal with my A, even though it was constantly brought up as a way to divert attention from himself. I've told him if he wants to talk to me about my ONS then to bring it up and let's talk. He say's no, he's over it but every disagreement goes right back to it, no questions mind you...just a lot of vulgar name calling. He turns everything around to "what he put up with for two years" but he's wrong. Things got nasty sometimes but I spent lots of hours trying to better myself and trying to talk through things. He's doing none of that. No therapy, no reading, no medication for his depression. I did all of that when he refused to do it with me, I did it all alone.
I need ideas where to go from here or how to handle this. In all honesty, I would leave but since I have 3 toddlers, It's scary to take that step. Thank you all who made it this far and thanks in advance for any words of wisdom you may have!
I think an 'objective' outsider might be able to get him to face himself in the way that he needs to. Is he in IC? Are you in MC? If he's not in IC, I suggest he try it out. Or use MC - the MC is almost guaranteed to move him toward IC, IMO.
sisoon- I agree. We went to 3 MC sessions. He stopped going when the counselor agreed that our A were not the same". He will not agree to any counseling. Recently, I've noticed he doesn't do this with just me. Hr got reprimanded over some paperwork at his job and he went down a list of everything his boss has done wrong. He steadily counters his mistakes with whoever brings it up to him...actually he never says it to these people, I'm the only one who hears it about others and about myself.
He stopped going when the counselor agreed that our A were not the same
You need to drop this. A ONS or a LTA both suck. They rip the soul out from you and take every breathe you have away.
Yours was no "better" than his.
There is no better in a madhatter situation.
You both have to get some IC, and begin to heal. If you want to continue with the marriage I would then think about MC, but you cannot have a healthy marriage without 2 healthy people.
Very tough situation, I am sorry for your pain.
He wont't go to MC or IC, I'm remorseful and trying to help him but how do I draw the line and say that I will not continue to be verbally abused? Especially when it has only gotten worse, and he refuses to seek any professional help.
I get your point here: he is using your ONS as leverage to have "power over". And you as a remorseful person, have accounted for yourself, while he manipulates rugsweeping and continues to beat you up, using your ONS as an excuse to emotionally abuse you.
I don't see that you are really trying to minimize what you did, simply you are hoping to be validated on what you feel is happening.
Since you can only control your own self, when he becomes abusive to you, end the discussion. Respectfully end it. And then go do something else.
One of the dynamics with alcoholics is they have such blurred boundries ( ie, everyone taking care of the alco holic, trying to help the alcoholic, the alcoholic unable/refusing to address their issue) is that you end up so focused on THEM that YOU fall by the wayside.
As for what else you can do, stop hovering over his disease and get your own self stable and well. Possibly talk to AA or a new therapist.