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watchtheskyy posted 12/24/2013 11:04 AM

Husband and I are 2.5 years out from both of our DDays, immediately after his A I began doing the work of trying to understand. I joined forums, went to therapy and bought books. A's seemed to be my life for a while, he was never good at R and we probably should have split soon after. Admittedly, we focused more on his A than mine (IMO, there was more to talk about as his was ongoing with someone I knew while mine was a ONS).

I admit I was a lunatic, I got so frustrated with his TT and unwillingness to try harder. He drinks a lot and for a while I would drink and then be ready to fight him. It was like a switch would flip,a memory would come about and I went completely dark. It was a horrible time and I don't blame him for my actions but I still don't understand why he would keep bringing alcohol around?? I tried so very hard to follow HIS rules for getting over his A. Everything from how I brought it up to him, when I brought it up and make sure not to make him feel bad.

I didn't want to be the person I was, I was miserable and I've basically learned to keep my mouth shut. I'll never learn more than I do now. So, here we are 2 years out and he's constantly losing it with me...over EVERYTHING! Most recently it was because I changed my fb picture (too often apparently and because I was "fishing" for compliments) and for spending the night at my moms (with my 3 toddlers) while he's working out of state. He's become controlling to the point where he doesn't want me to shave while I'm away or doesn't want me to lose any weight while also giving me backhanded compliments about how much I weighed in the first place. He says he never got to deal with my A, even though it was constantly brought up as a way to divert attention from himself. I've told him if he wants to talk to me about my ONS then to bring it up and let's talk. He say's no, he's over it but every disagreement goes right back to it, no questions mind you...just a lot of vulgar name calling. He turns everything around to "what he put up with for two years" but he's wrong. Things got nasty sometimes but I spent lots of hours trying to better myself and trying to talk through things. He's doing none of that. No therapy, no reading, no medication for his depression. I did all of that when he refused to do it with me, I did it all alone.

I need ideas where to go from here or how to handle this. In all honesty, I would leave but since I have 3 toddlers, It's scary to take that step. Thank you all who made it this far and thanks in advance for any words of wisdom you may have!

cl131716 posted 12/24/2013 11:31 AM

Let me first say, I do not believe your WS's behavior has anything to do with your A. My WH acts very similar and I have never stepped outside of the relationship. It sounds like he has a major issue with alcohol. Before he deals with your A, he needs to get help for that. If he is unable to get the help he needs well then you must decide if you want to live like this until he does, if he ever does, or just move on. I know how scary it can be to imagine life on your own. I feel like I am living in HELL most days but being alone is too scary. (((watchtheskyy)))

sisoon posted 12/24/2013 11:43 AM

Small difference with cl - I think your H hasn't dealt either with his A or with yours, and I don't think he'll deal with his until after he gives up using yours as his crutch.

I think an 'objective' outsider might be able to get him to face himself in the way that he needs to. Is he in IC? Are you in MC? If he's not in IC, I suggest he try it out. Or use MC - the MC is almost guaranteed to move him toward IC, IMO.

watchtheskyy posted 12/24/2013 12:39 PM

CL--I am so sorry you are also going through this. I have brought up his alcohol, it was a huge blow up. A terrible fight. He admits to being an alcoholic...but no one else is allowed to say it. He hides it from his dad, and his mom is one herself so I am the only "bad guy" willing to bring it up.

sisoon- I agree. We went to 3 MC sessions. He stopped going when the counselor agreed that our A were not the same". He will not agree to any counseling. Recently, I've noticed he doesn't do this with just me. Hr got reprimanded over some paperwork at his job and he went down a list of everything his boss has done wrong. He steadily counters his mistakes with whoever brings it up to him...actually he never says it to these people, I'm the only one who hears it about others and about myself.

karmahappens posted 12/24/2013 13:42 PM

He stopped going when the counselor agreed that our A were not the same

You need to drop this. A ONS or a LTA both suck. They rip the soul out from you and take every breathe you have away.

Yours was no "better" than his.

There is no better in a madhatter situation.

You both have to get some IC, and begin to heal. If you want to continue with the marriage I would then think about MC, but you cannot have a healthy marriage without 2 healthy people.

Very tough situation, I am sorry for your pain.

Jesu posted 12/26/2013 19:29 PM

I agree with KarmaHappens. An A is an A...there is no better or worse. You are both in the wrong, you are both hurt, you are both needing to be remorseful to one another for what you have done. End of story!

watchtheskyy posted 12/26/2013 22:13 PM

I never thought that what I did was better than what he did. But no, I do not think all affairs are the same. There are lots of different issues people need help coping with after an affair, this is why we have the ICR forum, correct? He wanted to rugsweep...I cheated, he cheated, so I had no right bringing anything up even was the way he handled it, though there were issues that I had with some things he did while he was cheating. He brought a close "friend" into my home and screwed her for 7 months while I was pregnant and asleep. Of course there were a lot of questions to be asked and while it's no "better", it is definitely different.

He wont't go to MC or IC, I'm remorseful and trying to help him but how do I draw the line and say that I will not continue to be verbally abused? Especially when it has only gotten worse, and he refuses to seek any professional help.

Kalliopeia posted 12/26/2013 22:43 PM

You draw the line at being verbally abused by removing yourself from the discussion when he abuses you.

I get your point here: he is using your ONS as leverage to have "power over". And you as a remorseful person, have accounted for yourself, while he manipulates rugsweeping and continues to beat you up, using your ONS as an excuse to emotionally abuse you.

I don't see that you are really trying to minimize what you did, simply you are hoping to be validated on what you feel is happening.

Since you can only control your own self, when he becomes abusive to you, end the discussion. Respectfully end it. And then go do something else.

One of the dynamics with alcoholics is they have such blurred boundries ( ie, everyone taking care of the alco holic, trying to help the alcoholic, the alcoholic unable/refusing to address their issue) is that you end up so focused on THEM that YOU fall by the wayside.

As for what else you can do, stop hovering over his disease and get your own self stable and well. Possibly talk to AA or a new therapist.

Dreamland posted 12/26/2013 22:48 PM

I guess since you cheated as well you kind of can understand each other's perspectives. I can't understand how fWH did what he did. You on the other hand have first hand experience. Maybe that can help you since you chose to cheat as he did. I know you can play the who did it first game but the fact remains you both did it.
Good luck

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