The main thing is that my wife, from day one, was totally committed to the R. She knew that her cheating was a move of desperation and from the moment we started to fix things, she was 100% in. I honestly don't know how people who are dealing with spouses who are only partly committed survive or succeed and my heart goes out to them. In our case, my wife's depression had her perception totally screwed up, and I didn't help with my inability to really convey how I felt. We've fixed those things, over time.
So, it isn't some secret formula, but if the wandering spouse has the ability to recommit, and shows true remorse and desire to repair, it can be done.
One thing I have to say, though, is that my wife had two ONSs. Hurtful of course. Devastating. But for her, they were a means to an end. She had decided she needed out of our marriage and she was too chicken to do it any other way. She knew I would find out and chose that way of ending things. She didn't think there was any way I'd stay. She was wrong. But, the two other people involved are in no way involved in our life. They both live far, far away and there is zero contact with them. Zero. My wife hates the thought of them, and never, ever wanted any sort of relationship with either. Again, they were a means to an end. So what I'm saying is we didn't have that aspect to deal with either. Makes it much easier. I honestly don't know if I could deal with a LTA. Or an EA. Not sure I'd be strong enough.
The moment my wife came out of the fog and realized she needed to fix her depression and also realized that my love for her was profound (instead of nonexistent like she thought and I apparently conveyed), we were on the right track.
It's taken a year, and I've had all of the mind movies, depression, grief, anger, etc., and I'm sure there will be more, but we now know we are truly in this life together, and forever, and that we are best friends.
It's a good place to be, but with a terrible way of getting there.
I wish you all luck and strength and healing.
Thank you SI, for all that you did for me. I don't really think I'll be back for awhile, as I feel the need to move on and live this life with my soulmate. But as I said in my first post - it can be done!