Damn. Last night was both a really tough night and a really wonderful night.
Sunday night, we made love. And I had a vivid trigger afterwards, of a sex act that my FWH had performed during his ONS. Full blown sensory trigger I was thrown into that room. He was in the bathroom at the time, and I managed to cut it off. However, later that night I woke up full of adrenalin, was awake for about 2 hours, then finally metaphorically hit myself in the head and did what he had asked me to do in these cases. I woke him up, we talked a bit, he cuddled me, and we both fell asleep.
Last night, I was still feeling a bit triggery, and he asked me if I was OK. I took a deep breath, told him no, and said I needed to ask some questions. I asked him more questions about his ONS, positions, who did what when, essentially had him walk me through the beginning of it again. He answered all of my questions, and apologized because at times he had to hesitate and think. He told me that he had been trying to block this from his mind and he had to sometimes dig deep for an answer. I told him that I was sorry to have to bring this up again, but it was as if sometimes, hearing the details, they just didn’t seem to sink in, and that I needed to hear some things again to really “get” it. He told me that he understood, that probably some things were so painful that I might have to mentally protect myself from it until I was ready to process, and reminded me that our MC said that this was likely to happen upon occasion.
So, it was a painful night in that we had to go “there” again. But it was a wonderful night because we went there, together, holding each other, supporting each other, and with love and concern for each other. And last night, we slept like babies. Quiet, non-cranky babies, let me be clear!
So, what’s the point? I’m hoping BSs and WSs can take a bit of hope from this. Yeah, it’s been well over a year and we still have to talk about it, upon occasion. We still both trigger he has his own issues that trigger self-loathing and mental downward spirals. But we’re reaching out for each other during these times, supporting each other, and trying, oh so very hard, to be open and present with each other. And these times are getting fewer, less painful, and more quickly assimilated and gotten through. Maybe you can take some hope that it can be this way for you too. Hope. It’s a word that I seem to be obsessed with these days. It may be the trigger season for a great many of us, but Hope is also a part of this season. It’s my hope and prayer that we can all find some solace this season.