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We are 4 months into R. He had been in Thailand on business for 5 days. Then, we had a day together before I caught a flight halfway around the world to spend 10 days at home with my family. We decided to have a low-key Christmas. Dinner at a good restaurant we liked, cake and Christmas lights. I told him I didn't want him to spend a lot of money or try and wow me because I want to just get through this year and forget about it. It was the worst year of my life.

We got to dinner and I burst into tears. Everything was wrong. He has been away, I was leaving the next day. I hate flying. He cheated last year around this time. It was too much. We only had a few hours to spend together and I spent the entire time crying, panicking, and feeling like dying.

He just say there with me, unsure what to do. And all the happy couples around us tried their best not to stare. I felt like shouting, "THIS IS PROBABLY HAPPENING TO SOME OF YOU RIGHT NOW AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!!"

I feel like I ruined Christmas for us. Now I'm halfway around the world, wondering what he's up to and hoping that I can get through this next week. Christmas used to be my favourite holiday. No more.

((((theansweris42)))) You didn't ruin anything, honey. You were triggered big time. You are doing the best you can with the hand you were dealt. It isn't pretty, but it is real. You said he sat with you unsure of what to do. Was there anything he could have said or done to help you? If so, it may be good to talk that through with him so he'll know what to do next time?

Hang in there. Take care of yourself. You can get through this.

Hummm, let's see. He screwed his XGF and made sex videos with her, so he could go back and re-visit that "special" time any time he wanted to. His little side piece of fluff gave you HPV. He travels a lot so you really don't have a verifiable way of knowing what or who he's doing during those times.

And because of his actions, your emotions got the better of you, and you justifiably and understandably cried in public. You had a panic attack due to his actions.

theansweris42, YOU didn't ruin Christmas. HE did. It was very brave of you to try to go out with him, knowing that you only had 24 hours together. But HE is the one who's actions caused all of this. Not you. (((hugs)))

Wow. You are being awfully hard on yourself.
{{{hugs}}}}
I was reading your post and wondering how you could have gotten through that withOUT turning into a sobbing mess.
***Recent Dday -- still in pain
***His recent business trip -- uncertainty
***Your upcoming trip -- uncertainty & flight anxiety
***Christmas dinner at a restaurant you 'liked' -- ugh! Surrounded by 'happy' couples at a 'festive' time of year in a place that has a previous 'good' history for you. Just ugh!

YOU didn't *ruin* anything. You attempted to put on a brave face and were emotionally overloaded. Be kind to yourself and take it slow and easy.....

Any one of those things on the above list would have made me cry.

Any two of those things on the above list would have made me cry and hyperventilate.

Three or more things on that list would have made me cry, hyperventilate, strangle him, and throw chairs at the others in the vicinity.

Girl, you're made of STEEL. You didn't ruin Christmas. You held your shit together, and I am impressed.

I agree with SKAN - HE ruined Christmas...not you at all. Try not to be so hard on yourself!

Thanks everyone. This is so hard.

We know, sweetie. (((((theansweris42)))))

(((hugs)))

Not even a month after dday my husband and I went out to dinner at our favorite restaurant.

I had a drink, um, ok, maybe 2...

I let lose at the table like you wouldn't believe. I mean snots rolling down my face...booger bubbles, crying like a crazy lady, you name it. The waitress kept walking up to our table with a look of fear.

My husband suggested we leave and go talk somewhere more private.

Yeah, I didn't go for that option. I told him he needed to sit and listen to me and no we were not leaving. He was so uncomfortable and people were staring at me.

So what? I bet many of those people have cried in public before. I bet most people have lost their shit and you know what? Our spouses need to be embarassed a bit, need to see this pain, feel the shame and know they have taken us somewhere that nobody wants to go.

You didn't ruin Christmas, he drove a fucking torpedo through your world. You've earned the right to lose it.

Be good to you, and know, you will get Christmas back. Give it time.

(((hugs)))