"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

allyk2014 posted 12/24/2013 19:25 PM

I can't even type, I am crying so hard. It's Christmas Eve. My kids are with their dad tonight, my ex who left after 12 years for his best friend's wife in 2010. That absolutely killed me, as she was a "friend" of mine and the four of us did everything together since college. They're now a happy family expecting their first child together any day.

I.... remarried in 2012. He made me believe he was the most wonderful man in the world until we married. He became controlling, jelous, abusive, has a perscription drug problem, and an addiction to women attention. I have had to witness a year long EA, actually see his inappropriate texts, him sneaking to her house, and going off on me each time I tried to put an end to it. He has women friends he meets at work functions he has drinks with. He has women send him topless pics(although he said he's not sure why they send them to him??)

I found out from his ex he cheated on his first two wives and eventually left them for AP's. He's admitted to me he needs Constant women attention, but swears it's not about sex and says it's harmless. How is leaving wife 1 & 2 for AP's harmless?

We separated in Oct. after he refused to stop his inappropriate friendship and were constantly fighting over it. I have been a mess- he has accused me of cheating throughout our marriage, actually calling me a sl.t, wh.re and still does every few weeks, causing a fight and us not speaking for a few days. Each time I'm ready to give up, he wants to take me out and "work on things" We had sex a few times in the beginning, then went a month, tried again last week and he couldn't finish. After a month...he couldn't finish!!

Now today, Christmas eve, he sent me horrible texts this morning accusing me of cheating(he had the flu and I stayed home last night), said he's just sick of me, told me to go be with whoever, and that he would as well.. The day before Christmas!!!!!!!!!! I sent him a text asking if we could talk. His response: No more talk. Go be with whoever makes you happy. I will as well. Take care. That was around noon. I sent 3 more texts pleading for him to tell me what's going on and Nothing, seven hrs later. I have a gut feeling he is with someone, I just don't know how to prove it.

All I ever wanted was a stable happy healthy marriage for my kids. I thought he wanted the same. I am attractive, educated, have a decent job (although it's not good enough for him). I feel like after all I have been through, I don't even want to go on. It's a small town. People talk. My kids friend's parents LOVE him (typical charmer..if anyone has seen the Drew Peterson story..that's him) and everyone will judge me if I D again. What am I showing my kids?? How are they ever going to believe in love. I never will again. I am struggling financially, as he is not helping at all and left me with some huge bills and a drained account when I checked today. I can't even afford a lawyer. This is like a game to him, to destroy women. I don't even want to go on. I feel like my kids are happier with their dad and his wife. I have no friends as he was controlling and ix-nayed any friends I had, male or female. I'm so ashamed.. how could he do this to me and on Christmas Eve??

hitbyatruck posted 12/24/2013 19:34 PM

I sent 3 more texts pleading for him to tell me what's going on and Nothing, seven hrs later. I have a gut feeling he is with someone, I just don't know how to prove it.

Stop pleading with him. You know how this goes. You are better than this. I think it would be a great example for your kids to divorce this "man". What kind of example are you setting staying with a man that calls you a whore?

Yes, the timing sucks. Also gives you a chance to start 2014 minus a jerk.

Hugs to you!!!!! You know you can and will recover from this.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

alienstookmyexH posted 12/24/2013 19:34 PM

I am so sorry! I wish I could give you a hug.

karmahappens posted 12/24/2013 19:41 PM

Stop pleading with him. You know how this goes. You are better than this. I think it would be a great example for your kids to divorce this "man". What kind of example are you setting staying with a man that calls you a whore?

Please, I rarely tell people to leave...but this man is sick.

Go, get yourself a lawyer and protect you.

Your kids do NOT deserve to witness this type of abuse.

He is sick and twisted.

I know it's Christmas, but really? WHat do you want to do have him come home and pretend things are great? You will not get a healthy, happy life with this man.

Please take care of you!!!

Girlietoo posted 12/24/2013 19:46 PM

You sure have had more than your fair share of crappy men, I'm sorry for that. I am on my 2nd relationship and understand your worry about being seen as a 2x loser in love. Why did he do this on Christmas Eve? Because he is a selfish ass without consideration for his family.

My only suggestion is that you consider therapy if you haven't already, it may help you identify any patterns that have led you into marriage with these jerks. If nothing else you will need to get strong, be ok with being on your own with your kids and take control of your own happiness. You can do it!

And my WS has the "kevorka" if you will, any woman he pays attention falls under his spell (it used to be cute, before he became a wayward). If we split people will certainly think I'm crazy but I really don't give two rips. No one knows what goes on inside our four walls and things are not always what they seem.

Hugs sister. I'll check in later in case you want to talk more.

PhoenixRisen posted 12/24/2013 20:02 PM

((((ally))))
I am so sorry.
At time like this I just tried to get through the morning...then the afternoon... then the night
then repeat
until you try to get through a whole day
then repeat
until a week has gone by! success!

All I ever wanted was a stable happy healthy marriage for my kids

This is a perfect wish... except change out the word marriage for family.
YOU can make that family.
You and your kids
You can still have it all.

cayc posted 12/24/2013 20:11 PM

All that stuff he is saying to you? He says it because he can't cope with knowing that you are better than him. He knows he's a dirtbag, he's just trying to deflect you from paying attention to it.

No one will fault you for a D. They'll see that you are ex-wife #3. That's all that needs to be said because people know. Just because they don't say anything, doesn't mean they don't know.

I'm by myself tonight too. And I'm by myself for the same reason, I chose badly and let it isolate me. Tonight it's me and my dog. We'll get through tonight and tomorrow. And then we have the new year to make those changes that we need to reclaim our lives. And we will. You will. I promise!

((((allyk2014))))

Greenfrog posted 12/24/2013 20:51 PM

I am so sorry!
I am new here also.
Please leave him.
His problems are about HIM not you.
Not you at all !!
Most abusive men change after a big
commitment. Like and engagement.
Marriage, a child. Anything that makes them
feel safe like your not going anywhere.
Then they become who they really are.
The book. " why does he do that "
By Lundy Bancroft. Is excellent!! And
helped me enormously. Also his book
Should I stay or should I leave.
But I would doggedly the first one before the second.
I would get it right now digitally. And start reading
You do not deserve this at all. What you will do
For your children by leaving him, is teach them
That being bullied is NOT ok.
Do not plead with him about what's going on.
Your just give him more power.
People WILL see the truth! I promise you.
Most abusers are charming and no one would
Guess what their really like.

kra127 posted 12/24/2013 21:35 PM

Funny how my WH got random topless/nude pics from his female "friends" also. He also says he doesnt know why they send the pictures to him.
The others have already given you good advice. You have to be the one to make the moves to leave. Please get yourself some legal advice and stop pleading with him.

allyk2014 posted 12/24/2013 21:35 PM

I know I need to be strong for my kids. My D from their dad killed me. He fought for 50/50 custody to get out of child support. I can't even begin to explain the hurt of not only losing your H to your friend, but having them take the kids 50% of the time. THAT destroyed me, losing my kids, my world. I feel like I am being punished for what he did.

I didn't think I'd trust anyone after that. When I met my current H, he said I deserved a good guy like him who would never cheat. He actually told me his exs cheated on him and he could never put anyone through that hurt..I believed him and actually felt sorry for him. When he proposed, he promised my parents he would take care of me and treat me good. I feel like he played us all. We all believed he was amazing.

I met him in 2010 when he was recruited to our area by his job. He's not from around here, so no one knows about his previous marriages and with his 6 figure (although it must go in a secret account because I've never seen it) high profile job, he instantly became friends with every attorney, bank president, business owner,(even chief of police) in the area... he is mr. wonderful in our community and everyone loves him.

wontdefineme posted 12/24/2013 21:42 PM

Can you say narcissist. Read everything g you can and empower yourself. Go to NPD thread in I can relate. Sorry you are hurting, but better to go on by yourself than with someone who would leave anyway.

wanttogoforward posted 12/24/2013 22:28 PM

Honey.....
you absolutely cannot worry or care what others think of you.... your job is to put your safety and well-being and that of the children first.
DO that by taking care of you! This man needs to go... get your ducks in a row. It does not matter how wonderful other people think he is. The truth comes out eventually in all cases.
Do protect yourself by recording any conversations for your protection. Keep all text messages- print them and keep them safe. Get any records of anything you can- marriage, bank, etc. Realize you are legally responsible for the financial things he may be doing. If he is hiding something a good attorney may find it. Go see an attorney asap.... retain one that is known as the best in your town.

And stop crying tonight.... he is simply not worth your tears. Loving yourself means holding your head high no matter what else happens. No matter if he spreads rumors the truth will always come out eventually.... care only about those who care about you. There will always be a few true friends.

i recently found out a dear friend of mine is also divorcing- no abuse or anything... but she is worried about what others like her family and coworkers will think. My advice? Do not care about what they think- family will always support you in the end even if they cannot see what is going on... true friends will be there.... and the others? who cares! It's not like we all don't have skeletons in the closet somewhere... some are just better at keeping the closet door closed so they aren't seen. If anyone says something hold your head up and tell them to keep their closet doors tight shut so their own skeletons don't fall out! That would shut any nosy people up quick- cause they won't know what YOU know about them!

MakingLemonade posted 12/24/2013 22:37 PM

(((allyk2014)))

I'm so sorry your WS (wayward spouse) is being an exceptional a**. There's a saying around here, No Contact (NC) = no new hurts. The only way he can't hurt you directly is if you don't have contact with him. He has proved himself to be a ruthless, hateful, hurtful person, not just in your life, but you now know in others. Believe him! And act accordingly. Hard, I know. You want answers. You want compassion. You want understanding. I promise you, he will not give it to you! He will only inflict more pain. Walk away. Early on, I had to literally hand my cell over to my teen to keep me from making contact when I was overwhelmed with the need to vent or get answers. So whatever it takes, do it.

Has anyone directed you to 180 yet? (Healing Library, BS FAQ, #11)

What you will be showing your kids if you walk away? Not to endure abuse. Important lesson for them to learn.

[This message edited by MakingLemonade at 10:40 PM, December 24th (Tuesday)]

LifeIsBroken posted 12/24/2013 23:55 PM

You've been married just under a year.... Any way you could have the M annulled rather than have to go through a D? Seems like annulment would be somewhat easier than D. You need to do something quickly as whatever money he spends is 50% your debt, too, until something legal has been filed with the court.

And, honestly ? I wouldn't worry about what people will think of YOU. I would be SURE to tell anyone who expresses an interest that you didn't like his girlfriend, or three in a marriage doesn't work and you won't live like that. I wouldn't take the blame for his actions, that's for certain. He isn't who you thought so cut your losses and run as fast as you can. Hugs to you....

mefirst posted 12/25/2013 00:13 AM

(((ally))) hugs to you, but I want you to think about something. Clearly you need to move on from this guy, but it sounds a bit like history is repeating itself. I'm worried that we're too busy pointing fingers at these a_holes, and not spending enough time looking in the mirror. I worry that you went from 1 self-centered son of a beep to another, in sheep's clothing. Let's look at why we're attracting men that are not available, why is that enough(?). Consider moving on and getting healthy - focus on you, your behaviours, your interests. It may take a long time to heal; I'm worried that running from #1 to #2 so quickly didn't give you the time you needed to understand how you contribute to the situation. I'm not saying that you helped him to cheat, but there's a repeat pattern here that would help to digest a bit. I resemble this situation in my past, and I know that only I can fix who I spend time with, who is worth my attention. I have learned much about myself.

allyk2014 posted 12/25/2013 08:52 AM

Thank you all. It's Christmas morning, still waiting for my kids to return. Haven't heard a word from wh. I read up on the 180. I have been so miserable up and down the last couple of months, actually when I think about it, since I married him. I can't focus at work or on anything.

I realize he can not provide a happy family that I wanted. He has sworn multiple times over the last couple of months that he will get counseling (usually when I'm done, had enough, and tell him I'm filing for D), only to suck me back in and go right back to his ways after a week. I just keep thinking "he did this to three wives, he will eventually "get it" or "if he will just try counseling, maybe they can help him see he is the problem and give him the help he needs. He's almost 43, how can he not get it's a pattern. How can he keep going through marriage after marriage doing the same thing and expecting different results. How can someone feel good about himself when he cheated, abused both mentally and physically all three wives, conflict so much pain, laugh when I'm hurting, be co cruel, hot/cold, and enraged when I say anything to make him feel the least bit rejected, yet blame all of us. How does he sleep at night."

As far as falling for this type of man.. his exs and I have discussed this. We are all educated professionals, owning a home, who had met him shortly after going through a D. They fell under his prince charming spell as well. He destroyed them and took them for everything. It took one of them three yrs of counseling to work through the years of abuse and affairs.

He already drained me financially and came into my house while I was at work, taking every document he could get his hands on just incase I were to file. Always thinking of himself. He went out and spoiled himself with a new king sized bed.. he took ours, even though I was left without, sold it, and bought a new one, along with a new 70" tv since his 55" wasn't big enough, and so many other things, stating it would all be mine too when if work it out. Now, tells me to take care. He spent all of our money on these things and tells me to take care.

Maybe my question should be how to divorce a narcissist when they have manipulated every attorney in the area believing theyre mr. wonderful. He actually admitted it's my word against his and that he had his ex W, a wonderful woman I have gotten to know well, deemed mentally unstable in court. He is THAT manipulative. I am scared of him.

[This message edited by allyk2014 at 10:49 AM, December 25th (Wednesday)]

JerseyCowgirl posted 12/25/2013 11:46 AM

Your life is the mirror image of mine and I won'tbother you with the details. He said to you "my word against yours". Remember those words because they work both ways. Close out all joint accounts. Change the locks...your word against his...he threatens your children. Use an attorney who one of his other ex's used. Get the book Verbal Judo and get prepared. If you think he will be nasty call all your accounts and ask for a required password on them since he took the documents. Be prepared.My ex called
my banks and reported me as deceased. He just did it again a year after our Divorce. I had the worst roller coaster ride you can imagine. Plan for the worst just in case.

NotFixable posted 12/25/2013 14:18 PM

Don't automatically assume he has manipulated everyone in town. I live in a small town and felt the same way, but I have found out that couldn't be further from the truth. My WH isn't nearly as liked in this town as I thought and definitely not as well as he seems to think. His lying, manipulative ways are finally catching up to him. I can't believe the support I've received from people I thought would be on "his side". Talk to a lawyer ASAP. Take care of you. (((hugs)))

womaninflux posted 12/25/2013 14:46 PM

I agree with everyone else who has said you have to put yourself first and not wonder what everyone thinks of you.

The most important thing is - what do YOU think of yourself? It doesn't sound like you are too happy in the situation you are in. It sounds like you have been through enough. Only YOU can make things different. Yes, it will be hard, but it will be harder to stay involved with anyone who treats you badly. You can't put a price on your mental health. What will your life be like if you stay in this relationship for 10 years? I have contemplated divorce and the consistent thing my older friends said was that they wish they had gotten out sooner and that it's better to be divorced at 40 than at 50 (or 50 vs. 60). In other words, don't let a chance at happiness pass you by.

I also live in a small town. My experience has been such that people quickly move on to the next topic of discussion. Also, no one else has to live in your shoes except YOU. So do what YOU need to do to fix this.

Please get some counseling, too, if you are not doing so already. You some professional help to get through this. Otherwise, you are doomed to carry this over to your next relationship. I'm not saying you are in any way to blame for this happening in your first or second marriages, but I am saying that we all bring things into our relationships that have an impact on the dynamic.

PhoenixRisen posted 12/25/2013 15:19 PM

my question should be how to divorce a narcissist

Come over to the I can relate board and the NPD thread. You will get a lot of advice and support from other women who are divorcing narcissistic.
The best book I read was Narcissistic lovers
you can read a few chapters online
http://www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-Lovers-Cope-Recover-Move/dp/0882822837

The one consistent piece of advice is to RUN.
You are right, he is like Drew Peterson... and look what happened to his wife. (I compare my ex to Scott Peterson and I'm SO LUCKY I didn't wind up like Lacy). To outsiders they look like perfect upstanding spouses. Privately they belittle, insult, sabotage, and abuse their spouses.

Your H sounds exactly like my ex (most charming man in the man in the world until we married, then he bacome controlling & abusive, and an addiction to women's (and young men's) attention. I have had to witness inappropriate texts, him staying out til 4am, getting an STD, cheating, etc etc
You are not alone.

Narcissistic will never change and he will most likely try to suck you back in only to repeat the abuse then abandonment in a few months. Dont let him!

You are stronger!

The best tip I have it that whatever he accuses you of (cheating, stealing money, etc): he is guilty of. So stay quiet and just listen to what he says.

Lawyer up asap (Try to get back the money he took)
Get tested for STDs)
Drink lots of water (crying dehydrates)

Remember you are not alone. My ex isolated me from family and then friends too, so I felt really alone... but others have similar experiences. We are here for you.

(((HUGS)))