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Harder than I thought

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badmedicine posted 12/24/2013 20:21 PM

I am struggling with this. I filed for divorce 11 days ago and he got served 6 days ago. Fortunately our state has a short waiting period so I actually have a good chance for default, especially with the holidays. The problem is that WH has been pulling out all the stops with texts, emails, and photos since he got served. He is pleading to talk to me, says he is a "changed man", that he wants to be the husband I deserve, to help me heal, etc. This is soooo hard. I'm trying my best not to engage but it is really difficult. Plus I need him to sign my papers. I waited 5 months to see if we could R and it wasn't working...he abandoned me even more and showed that even without OW in the picture he wasn't going to change or think of anyone besides himself. I knew there would be a final effort when I actually filed but I didn't expect this much. He almost sounds crazy, like unstable, in some of the emails. I'm going home tomorrow and I can already feel myself weakening. Like I'm letting my mind wander to ideas that he could mean it this time and that maybe he really does love me. UGH. WTF. It is sooo hard. I didn't realize how much he had gotten to me, how little I stood up for myself. I still love him and I still wish we could R but it would literally take a miracle. Trying to stay strong but so scared. Merry Christmas to everyone out there. Thanks for listening.

[This message edited by badmedicine at 8:22 PM, December 24th (Tuesday)]

inconnu posted 12/24/2013 20:50 PM

((badmedicine)) Please remember, actions speak so much louder than words. What is he doing to back up what he's saying?

I not only loved my ex, but I was still in love with him when I filed for divorce. It was one of the most painful things I've ever had to do, but it was the right thing to do. I know it's hard now, but it does get better. Truly, it does.

Gajit posted 12/24/2013 20:51 PM

I feel that tug too. Don't give in. It really is a fantasy.

Peace be with you and sending you strength!

Gemini71 posted 12/24/2013 21:18 PM

Badmedicine, I completely understand. DD was just dropped off by STBXH and walks in the door with Cinabon Cinnamon Rolls (his traditional christmas gift to me). And it HURTS!!

I don't think STBXH meant to hurt me. I know he's sorry and wants to R, but it's just not possible in our case. They just don't understand that it's too little too late.


SOME THINGS SORRY DOESN'T FIX. ((hugs))

IrishLass518 posted 12/24/2013 21:27 PM

I not only loved my ex, but I was still in love with him when I filed for divorce. It was one of the most painful things I've ever had to do, but it was the right thing to do. I know it's hard now, but it does get better. Truly, it does.

^^^THIS^^^

We all know that this is hard and no one deserves to have it made even harder by the person who did this to us in the first place. (((BadMedicne)))

PurpleRose posted 12/24/2013 22:06 PM

Ditto. I never wanted to D. He sure did though!

But I was the one who kicked him out (twice!) and filed, put the d on hold, then opened it up again.

Stay strong. It is so damn hard... but you will get to the other side. Merry Christmas to you!

badmedicine posted 12/24/2013 23:49 PM

Thank you everyone. My only friends who are divorced had stopped being in love by the time they filed (natural relationship death vs. infidelity cancerous death) so no one IRL gets it. What if he really did change? He didn't, I'm almost sure of it. This will be the longest waiting period ever. I don't want to get divorced but I can't have my heart trampled like this. Ouch.

careerlady posted 12/25/2013 01:47 AM

OMG my heart goes put to you. It's hard enough with my remorseless STBX trying to get me to fall in line. I can't imagine if he were actually acting sorry. I agree with the others, he has to put something solid on the table. Go to counseling, something. And you still have the right to say no. Because chances are he's ready to do it again. Just keep running through the possible scenarios. Figure out exactly what it would take for you to R in terms of his behavior and if he isn't hitting on every single thing don't even consider it

rainagain posted 12/25/2013 19:40 PM

((((Badmedicine)))) and wishing you peace today. Put yourself first now. Strength.

Vulcanized posted 12/25/2013 20:05 PM

(((BM)))

If he mans the hell up, you'll know. You can pause the D, or even go thru w/it if he isn't doing what you want/need him to do. Take care of you first.

I still loved my XH as I was pushing the D along, but he didn't man up, after 3+ years, so it was time for me to bounce. It hurts, but it hurts less & less as time passes.

Merry Christmas.

badmedicine posted 12/26/2013 10:32 AM

It's still happening. Texts, emails, etc. every day since he got served. "Please talk to me! You'll see I've changed. I want to be married now and I know what I have to do to help you heal from this". etc. blah blah. He said some of this same stuff right after D-day, but some of it is different. He sounds focused on himself, but not entirely. *this* is what I was most afraid of when I filed for divorce and now it is happening. I don't know what he gets out of being married to me; we have basically been separated for the last 1.5 years (lived apart anyway) and he has doubted whether he wants to be married or not since our honeymoon. I am still in love with him and I know there is a part of me that wishes this were true, that we could move forward and reconcile. BUT I also know where my head was when I filed for divorce and it is easy to remind myself of the shit he has dragged me through even in the past 1 month. Should I listen to what he has to say or keep avoiding him? I was home with my family for Christmas but now I'm back and it will be harder to stay away from him. When I got home last night there was a bottle of wine and some chocolate outside my door and then texts later that evening. I hate feeling week. I hate that I still love him and that makes me weak. I hate that this is probably just him over-promising because he is scared of being alone and that he still doesn't get it and he definitely doesn't understand what true love is. I felt so much better about this a week ago. UGH.

GingerAle posted 12/26/2013 10:54 AM

I understand what you're feeling, badmedicine. Even now, when my mind is firmly made up, I have moments of wishing it could still work. My WH can always say the right things and over promise, too. He is such a smooth talker. Be he NEVER backs any of it up with actions. So when I have a weak moment, I start to make a list in my head of the MANY things he has done to get me to the point of wanting to D, and I only have to get to about numbers 3 or 4 before I can assure myself I am doing the right thing. Try doing that, or maybe keep a written list you can look at when you doubt yourself.

((((badmedicine))))

badmedicine posted 12/29/2013 16:05 PM

I decided to grant him a conversation. My plan is to hear what he has to say and ask questions that I have but not to rehash how I feel. I'm not going to make any offers to stop the D process. So far he doesn't have an attorney and we are on day 12/30 for the waiting period. Yeah, it's short. I'm nervous and I want to be cold and unconcerned. I don't want to cry. I'm going to bring my new retail therapy purchase to remind me that I need to keep my mouth shut. Hopefully this will be his usual BS about how he's so lonely and sad and then some ridiculous promises about getting better instantly and listening to my needs. I made a list of what I thought it would take for us to R (similar to previous list I made after DDay) and it is tough. I also put it on a timeline so I could say "This should be happening by 6 months", etc. Looking at it showed me two things. 1) If he had truly been trying to R this time I would see progress by now based on my time estimates and 2) I still want to give him a chance to do this. I know that #2 is a dumb idea and I think I have enough safe guards in place to prevent myself from offering. I know if I cave on the D or even slow it down that he will have all the power back. Right now it's all I've got and I need to hang on to it.

Hoping my new blue bag can keep me strong!!

careerlady posted 12/29/2013 18:15 PM

Best of luck. Do you know the status of his relationship with OW for sure? Be careful!

careerlady posted 12/29/2013 18:17 PM

Do you know the status of his relationship with OW for sure? What has he done over the last year plus you've been separated to show he wants to be with you? Keep us updated and be careful!

momentintime posted 12/30/2013 01:42 AM

Don't trust his words and his "I now get it" act. It is the challenge to see if he can get you back. It is his losing control. Once you give in, well his behavior will revert back to his normal crap. Go through with the D. Then see if he continues to pursue and do right by you. Bet that doesn't happen. He wants instant gratification. If you stay the course, once the D is final, IMHO, he will stop making an effort to woo you. Again, it is the challenge and an ego boost for him if he prevails.

[This message edited by momentintime at 1:43 AM, December 30th (Monday)]

hummingbird8 posted 12/30/2013 03:47 AM

I think if there is any part of you that wants to stay married to him, find out if you can pause the divorce. I did this with my ex. Then SEE what he is really willing to do. Not talk about it but true actions.

My ex said all the right things but was still too selfish to do what I needed. So I continued divorce. You already know you are strong enough to divorce so nothing says you can't pause and then finish it.

I had to make sure I gave my marriage every chance there was. Still one of the hardest things I have done because I loved my ex still and it was so hard on him.

badmedicine posted 12/30/2013 09:36 AM

Thanks everyone. Talk wasn't too bad but he didn't say anything too earth-shattering. I agree, it's about pursuit and he feels he is losing something. But he's already had 5 months to R and here we are. I'm keeping the D on track for now. I told him to get on SI and post in the wayward forum. Maybe some 2x4s will help him. I can always marry him again in a year if anything changes. I think his motives are still selfish and I don't think he fully gets it yet. Closer than before but not there yet. Our dday was forced by OW so he was foggy and depressed and grasping at straws. Not my problem. I didn't cry or give him any ego boost yesterday so I feel ok about it. Thanks everyone.

Kajem posted 12/30/2013 09:52 AM

"Please talk to me! You'll see I've changed. I want to be married now and I know what I have to do to help you heal from this". etc. blah blah.

^^^^^^^ This stood out to me-he knows what he has to do!

Is he doing it? No words just actions.

Hugs,
K

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